UPJOKE

It's Like Jokes

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

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My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

I'm not afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it's like being famous.

You don't recognize anybody, but everybody recognizes you.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I asked my friend in Greenland, what it's like living there.

He told me it's so great, he's on top of the World.

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."

"...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

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Someone asked me what it's like to have a penis

I told them it's hard sometimes

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

It's like pulling teeth...

trying to get people to tell me why they don't like going to the dentist.

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

A guy was wondering what it's like being a suicide bomber.

I said "C4 yourself"

It's like the weather saw a state trooper

It went from 90 to 45 real quick

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Getting a blowjob it's like getting pizza

no matter if it's not done exactly right, it's always worth it.

When I make love it's like a misquito bite

You don't feel anything until the itching starts.

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

It's like my Klingon hairdresser said:

It's a good day to dye.

Do you know what it's like to be a fish?

I don't, but Alaska Salmon.

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Fishing... It's like sex.

The less you get the more you lie.

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If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

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You know, it's like my dad always said...

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

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