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Irish Man Jokes

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

None.

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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An Irish man walks into a pub.

The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender sa...

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

Why did the Irish man only put 239 beans in his soup?

If he put any more in, it'd be two farty!

Irish man in Dublin

An Irish man, enjoying a pint of Guiness in a pub in Dublin when he approaches a couple of very fat girls with british accent:

- Hi ladies! Are you from England?
- No! Wales!
- Hi whales! Are you from England?

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.

Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.

A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: “...

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman

After much deliberation,they named their son

Ravi O'Lee

What do you call an Irish man with a skin condition?

Dermot O'logical

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An Irish man,a British man and a Scotish man

An Irish man,an English man and a Scotish man were walking in the forest when they pass a clearing with a lake .
At the lake there's a man walking on water the three men are surprised the British man asked "are you Jesus"
To which the man replied yes
The Scottish man then said" if you are J...

An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"


No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.


The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who...

English man irish man and a scotsman

Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then.

The scots man said, BEER i want lots of beer to help me sleep at night to help w...

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar


Those were the days

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Irish man drunken toast

Paddy Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Ay...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thu...

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An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Sec...

An Irish man's dilemma...

Do I eat the potatoes now, or wait for it to ferment.

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man go to a church

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are walking down the street. The Irish man lights a cigarette, and just as he lights it the English man says "look there's a nice church over there, lets go in and see it". The Irish man annoyed says "fine lets go", puts out his cigarette and puts it i...

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man...

Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then...

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed

All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the ...

An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.

The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its fini...

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Irish Man walks into a pub.

Irish Man: How much is your Guinness.?

Barman: £2.00 for a pint or £7.00 for a Pitcher.

Irish Man: I'll just have a Pint, fuck the photo.

Irish Man

Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.


He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he...

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

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English Man, Irish Man and a Scotsman chatting.

English man says, in my local pub, you buy one drink you get 2 free.

Scotsman says, in my local pub you buy 2 drinks you get 5 free.

Irish man says that is nothing, in my local pub, you buy one drink and you are treated to free drink all night long, and afterwards you go to a room and ...

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Poor mermaid

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.Wel...

An Irish man walks out of a pub

Thanks for your upvote

An English man, Scottish man and Irish man go to the moon...

Once they get there the English man finds an apple, and the other two bet that he cannot throw it back to earth, he tries and completes his dare. When he gets back to earth he sees a little boy sitting on the side of the road crying. “Why are you crying little boy” asks the English man. “An apple ju...

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An English man, Irish man And Scottish man,

An English man, Irish man And Scottish man, are all walking to work one day when they see a couple throw a 50 Pence coin into a lake.

As they walk closer the Irish man asks the other men "Why'd She Doo that ?"


The English man Tells him "If you make a wish and throw in a 50p, you g...

An Irish man walks into a bar asks for three beers

An Irish man walks into a bar, asks for three beers, chugs them all and leaves. He does this every week for several weeks, until finally the bartender asks him the reason of his ritual.

The man looks at him and says he has two more brothers with whom he always got together weekly to have a be...

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

An Irish an English man and a Scottish man got sent to prison for ten years

They are given a ten year supply of anything the English man asks for ten years of tea the Scottish man asks for ten years of cigarettes and the Irish man asks for ten years of whiskey ten years later the guards let them out the English man is happily drinking tea the Irish man is smashed and when t...

An Irish man once walked out of a bar.

Yea, it’s actually possible.

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man dropped a knife off the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man. <...

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

An Irish Man is on a plane

An Irish man is on a plane and suddenly there's a loud bang.

The Pilot comes on an says "Ladies and gentlemen we have just lost one of our engines, but don't worry as we can still make it, however, there will be a slight delay of about 45 minutes.

A few moments pass and again, there is...

Irish man....

An Irish man and his wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife took ill and passed away. The man was informed by the undertaker that it would cost £5000 to repatriate his wife or £50 to be buried there. He says “send her home”. The under taker reply’s to the man “but wouldn’t it be better to b...

An English man, an Irish man and a German walks into a bar

They are arrested for breaking the quarantine

There was an English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man

They all went to a magical slide in which you would land in whatever you shouted while riding. The English man shouted

"Gold!" he landed in gold , took it and went home happily.

The Scottish man shouted

"Silver!" he landed in silver, took it and went home happily.

The Ir...

An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle

The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!”

The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!”

“Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man.

The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run o...

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Irish man walks into a cafe

Looks at the menu and it reads:
Cheese Roll 50p,
Ham Roll £1,
A Wank £10.
He then sees a beautiful young woman who works there, amazing body, huge tits,
He says do you give the wanks?
She says yes I do!
He says well wash your hands, I want 2 cheese rolls...

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An English Man, An Irish Man, and a Scots Man all go to the beach...

As they walk along the sand they see a Mermaid laid up on the rocks, the waves crashing around her. They are all struck by her beauty but are initially scared to approach. The English Man finally does and strikes up a conversation. As they talk he realises she is totally inexperienced with human int...

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An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.

"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.

"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?

It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

A Genie Grants an Irish Man Three Wishes.

The Genie inquires what his first wish will be.



"A bottle of Jameson!" the man declares.



The Genie snaps his fingers and a bottle of Jameson appears. The man quickly opens it and drinks the entire bottle of liquor. "What would you like for your second wish?" the Genie...

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An Irish man goes to the doctor...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor...

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bot...

An Irish man is walking his poodle

And his friend calls him and says they are giving away free beer for the next hour Inthe pub down the road.

So the Irish man runs with the dog to the pub as fast as he can.

When he gets there the door man says "sorry no pets."

The Irish man says "I'm blind this is my seeing eye ...

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

An English man, a French man and an Irish man find a lamp...

They give it a rub and a Genie pops out and grants each of them a wish.
With his superiority complex is overdrive, the English man asked that he be returned to his fair homeland at once and that a wall be built around it's border to keep the foreigners out. Pooof, his wish is granted and he's go...

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An Englishman, Scottish man And Irish man are being sent to prison for life

But the judge says as a small act of kindness you can each take one item to prison with you to make it a little more bearable.

In Prison they show each other what they got.

The Englishman “I got these fine cigars so I can spend the evening smoking and thinking”

The Scottish man...

An Englishman, Irish man and Scots man are trapped in a desert

The 3 are trapped in a massive desert, when they find a magic Genie. The Genie can grant each a wish to help them with their journey home

English man asks "I want a 20 litre bottle of water for each of us to carry on our way"

Scots man asks "I want a map and compass to guide us on our...

Irish man's first baseball game.

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish m...

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman escape from prison.

They have just finished climbing the wall when they hear police sirens so they decide to hide in the back of a nearby R.S.P.C.A van and each climbed into some old cloth sacks they find in there. Ten minuets later a police officer looks into the back of the van and sees the three filled sacks.
He ...

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An Irish man is walking home late one night when another man puts a gun to the back of his head...

The other man asks: “Are you Catholic, or Protestant?”

The Irish man thinks to himself. ‘If I say I am a Catholic and he is a Protestant, I’m dead. If I say I’m Protestant and he is a Catholic, I’m dead. What am I to say? Ah! I got it!’

“I am a Muslim.”

“I am the luckiest Jew on...

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were talking in a pub....

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we decide...

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An British man, an Irish man, and a Scottish man walk into a bar

They each order a pint and sit down. The British man was about to take a sip of his beer when a fly flies into it. The British man is disgusted and pushes his beer away. The Irish Man is about to take a sip when a fly flies into his beer. The Irish man plucks the fly from his beer and continues drin...

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Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator.........

looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'


The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

...

Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?

If he ate one more, it would be too farty!

An Irish man walks into a bar...

An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.

"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"

"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

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An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....

He's called to the chair.

'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.

'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.

Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

'How many men were...

Bed of ants

Three young men were traveling in the same car one day. The first man was an Englishman, the second was Irish, and the third was Scottish. It was late, so they went to a hotel to pass the night.

When they got to the hotel, the three men realized that the place was filled up, and only three be...

An English man, Irish man, and Scots man are in a sinking hot air balloon...

An English man, Irish man and Scots man are in a hot air balloon. It's starting to go down, and they decide they each have to throw 1 thing over board. The Irish man takes his pic-axe and throws it over, the scots man throw over a bottle of whiskey and the English man a grenade.

They finally ...

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Seamus, an Irish man, has a broken leg...

and asks his best friend Paddy sitting next to him to go upstairs and get his slippers because his feet are "fucking freezing".

On his way to get the slippers, Paddy walks past Seamus' eighteen year old twin daughter's bedroom when he suddenly has an idea. Going into the girl's room he says,...

An Irish Man is at a Bar

He's been at the bar all night. Eventually, around 2:00 AM, the bartender tells him he has to leave and go home. So the Irish man stands up. BOOM! He falls flat on his face. "I'm more drunk than I thought!" Said the Irish man to himself. "Maybe if I crawl outside and get some fresh air I'll be ok." ...

Who would win in a drinking contest, an Irish man or a German man?

The bartender.

An Irish man knocks on an old lady’s door.

He asks her, is there any work I can do for you?

She says yeah can you paint the porch

He agrees and she gets him some paint.

Some time later he comes back and says, “I’m finished, but It’s not a porch it’s a BMW

An American, an Irish man an a German walk into a bar.

The American orders a Bud Light. The Irish man orders a Guinness. The German orders a Coke. "Why don't you drink a beer?" the American asks the German. The German answers: "If you don't drink beer I won't either."

A French man and an Irish man walk into a bar.

The French guy asks his friend: "say, how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?".

The Irish replies: "how would I know? I'm neither an electrician nor an anthropologist!"

Two English men and an Irish man are in a bar.

The first English man says "I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician, I found a pair of pliers under our bed."

The second English man says "My wife is cheating on me with a plumber, I found a pipe under our bed."

The Irish man looks at both English men and says "Well my wi...

An Irish man, a Russian man and an English man all go to a magic park

At the park there is a magic slide and each man who goes down it will recive a pot of whatever they desire

The Irish man says "gold!" And he lands in a pot of gold.

The Russian man says "silver! " and he lands in a pot of silver.

The English man says "Weee! " and he lands in a p...

A South African, New Zealander, Barbadian and an Irish Man walk into a bar

and win the Cricket World Cup for England

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A young Irish man is going out with a woman.

He decides to introduce her to his parents over dinner. At their house, the boy's mother asks the girl what she does for a living. The girl hesitates. "I'm a prostitute," she eventually says. Suddenly the mother lets a scream out of her, and faints. After she regains consciousness and comes to her ...

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

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An Irish man walks out of the bar...

And he's staggering all over the place. He drops his trousers and starts pissing on the sidewalk. He walks up to his car and fumbles with his keys repeatedly, but eventually gets in and starts it and drives away swerving all over the place.

A police officer is watching this happen and turns...

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