UPJOKE

Introduce Myself Jokes

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Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

When I introduce myself, no one takes me seriously.

I don't understand why. The only thing I say is, "Hi, I'm Joe King."

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

Whenever I introduce myself, I always bring up the titantic.

It's just such a good ice breaker!

Karl: Thanks to Duolingo, I can ask people if they are a horse, but I can't introduce myself in french.

Mark: Ask me if I'm a horse

Karl: Tu es un Cheval?

Mark: Nay.

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I overheard a lady talking about penis sizes.

She was saying she seen in a magazine it said American Indians had the largest penis size and Mexicans had a penis with the largest diameter.

I walked up and said let me introduce myself. My name is Tonto Rodriguez.

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

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A Guy Has Just Bought a New House in a new neighbourhood.

A guy purchased a new property in an area where he didn't know anyone. So he thought we would go to the neighbours and introduce himself.

He went next door, and was greeted by a gentleman telling him to FUCK OFF!

He was taken aback, and replied with, "I have just bought the house next...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

Horse walks into a bar...

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says “why the long face”.

The horse looks disappointed, and says “that’s a shame that I come into this bar expecting to relax but instead get treated with disrespect and stereotyped for my looks in the assumption that I don’t have feelings”.

The barma...

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

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An attractive woman explains to a young man:

"I can do anything, except sex with a total stranger".

"Madam, let me introduce myself".

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and starte...

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

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A German ugly man, a ravishing blonde and an ultra-hot brunette are sitting in a train on its way through the Alps.

The hotties are talking and at some point the man listens to this:

Blonde: "I heard Native Americans have not only nice dicks but they are also very long!"

Brunette "Yes, I've heard of that. The weird thing is that Polish men also have very nice penises but they are also very thick!"...

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The story of Turner Brown (language sorta NSFW)

This short, tiny guy is riding in an elevator. Elevator stops and this big, tall, burly sumbitch gets in.

Big guy looks down at the little guy and says "Six foot eight, 280 pounds, twenty inch dick, ten pound left ball, ten pound right ball. Turner Brown" and sticks out his hand.

Littl...

Do you give head to strangers?

Or should I introduce myself?

Date night

This couple who will be celebrating their 20th anniversary this Friday were talking over dinner tonight.

Wife: honey, our 20th anniversary is this Friday. Why don't we do something to help spice up our marriage a bit.

Husband: like What?

Wife: well, why don't we go to a bar and...

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A valuable life lesson.

So, be me. A cowardly 6/10. Move into a new neighborhood and have 1+1-2=0 friends. Mowing the lawn when a dog runs up to me. Girl comes after dog, easily a 9/10. Help her get her dog back, introduce myself. Become good friends. Begin dating.

New girl moves in, around a 7/10. Introduce self to...

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Why I changed my name

Well, for my story to make any sense, I need to clarify that I'm somewhat of a celebrity in my country. I think even internationally people have heard about me, though I'm not too sure about it (fortunately the people who know about me also tend to be technologically a bit behind the curve, so you d...

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Not part of the retirement plans.

A man takes early retirement and leaves the big
city for a crofter’s cottage in the Scottish
Highlands. After a month of isolation he hears a
knock on his door. He answers it and sees an
enormous Scottish farmer standing outside. ‘I
hear you’re new around here,’ says the farmer,
‘Y...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

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