UPJOKE

In The Jungle Jokes

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
<...

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

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One day in the jungle...

Jane and Tarzan are getting to know each other and she's trying to teach him the different things about her culture. Finally she gets around to talking about sex and asks Tarzan what he does for sex. He shakes his head and says, "Tarzan no do sex." Jane asked what he does about it when he gets overw...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

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These pride of lions is walking down a path in the jungle when one lion licks the

Licks the ass of the lion in front of him. The lion in front says. Hay. What's the deal with licking my ass ? And the second lion says. I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

What should you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise

What's the scariest plant in the jungle?

It's bamBOO!

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

Why can't you use a computer in the jungle?

There are too many bugs

Why are divorce rates so high in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

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A Lion is chasing a Monkey in the Jungle

The lion was chasing the monkey then suddenly a fairy appeared and stopped both of them.
The fairy said that she’ll give both the lion and the monkey 3 wishes each if the lion stops chasing the monkey.
The lion agrees and states his first wish “ I wish all the lions in this jungle become lione...

A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle

Rescue attempts are being hampered

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Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

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Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle

A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.

After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit ag...

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How do elephants camouflage themselves in the jungle?

They paint their balls pink and hide up cherry tree's.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?


Giraffes eating the berries.

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3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.

Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:

“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”

The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their way...

I was walking in the jungle…

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes

I turn to the local tribesman and said “That lizard is really funny.”

The tribesman replied “That’s not a lizard…

He’s a stand up chameleon…”

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

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A fox got lost in the jungle.

A fox got lost in the jungle.

The fox noticed that a leopard stalking it. The fox grabbed the bone from the ground, turned his back to the Leopard and just as the leopard was attacking,
the fox spat the bone out of his mouth and said: "Agh, it was a bad-tasting leopard I just killed."...

Once deep in the jungle

The only white man was called in front of the Tribe leader
"My daughter just delivered a white baby , you are the only white man here , how do you defend yourself ??"
The white man tried to save his life , " see this goats all white except this one black , what do you think about that "
T...

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

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A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

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A guy is lost in the jungle

...and is trying to find his way out. While he's wandering, he suddenly hears footsteps and cries behind him. He turns around and sees a group of savage tribesmen running towards him with spears in their hands.

The guy absolutely freaks out and starts running through any gap he sees between t...

A lizard in the jungle is trying to get high...

So he walks around looking for some pot. Suddenly he catches a whiff of some dank. So he follows the smell to a tree where he sees a monkey getting stoned.

He shouts "Hey monkey, you mind if I smoke some of your weed with you?"

Monkey says "sure come on up lizard I'll smoke you out"...

Guy goes traveling to a small village in the jungle...

when he arrives he hears drums coming from the mountain behind the village. He asks the driver what the deal is with the drums. Driver says, "Oh. Drums stop very bad." Huh.
Well next he's walking around the village checking it out and he asks one of the villagers about the drums and the vil...

In the jungles of Brazil I met young, beautiful indigenous women named 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.

They were in their Amazon Prime.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in the jungle.

Suddenly they're captured by cannibals, dragged off and tied to a tree. Shortly the Englishman is untied and brought before the chief of the cannibal tribe. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to m...

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Plane crash survivor - in the jungle

A plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. Only one man survives. Members of a jungle tribe find the man and take him to their village. After a few weeks the survivor gets back on his feet only to realize that he is too far away to ever get back to a civilized part of the world. He starts to live ...

Why shouldn't you gamble in the jungle?

There's too many CHEETAHS!

(Source: My Dad)

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the paracetamol.

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

I hate playing poker in the jungle...

They're all a bunch of cheetahs.

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

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Three scientists are arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

The first scientist says, "The meanest animal in the jungle is the the King of the Jungle himself, the lion. He wouldn't be the king if he wasn't the meanest bastard in there."

The second scientist says, "The lion may be king, but the meanest animal is actually the water buffalo. Even a lion ...

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A lion was sleeping in the jungle..

The lion woke up one morning with an overbearing desire to remind his fellow creatures that he was king of the jungle. So he marched over to a monkey and roared: "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" 
       
    
  "You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering. "Don't you forget it!...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat them all

Two cannibals waylaid a man in the jungle.

They ate their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.

After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"

"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.

"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

I came across a lion in the jungle

I quickly cleaned him up and then ran off

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?

Because parrots-eat-em-all!

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So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"

A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up...

Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

In the Jungle

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle and came upon two men. One was sitting in a tree, reading a book; and the other was on the ground pounding away at his laptop. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writ...

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A man goes in the jungle..

Suddenly he comes across a tiger. The tiger looks at the man and tells him," I'm hungry and I am going to eat you whole. But I am going to give you a chance to survive. I'm going to ask you a riddle. If you can answer this question,I'll let you go.

"When the day after tomorrow is yesterday, t...

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Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'....

A tourist in the jungle finds himself the captive of a tribe of cannibals.

They've tied him to a pole. One of the cannibals walks up to the man and asks: "What's your name?"

Tourist: "Why do you want to know my name?"

The cannibal answers: "We need to print the menu."

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

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The loudest noise in the jungle

Why do monkeys paint their balls red?

So they can hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen a monkey in a cherry tree? No?

That's how good it works!

How can you tell if a giraffe was in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter!

And what is the loudest noise in the jungle...

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Tarzan swang back into the tree house after a day in the jungle

He sees Jane in the kitchen with a couple of pot in the stove.
Tarzan: what's for dinner
Jane : Look in the pots
Tarzan opens the first and it's a pot full of monkey pieces. He open the second and it's full of little birds cooking.
Tarzan: oh no not finch and chimps again.

A man comes across a sleeping elephant in the jungle...

Apologises and wipes it off.

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Explorer in the jungle (NSFW language)

One day an explorer was deep in the jungle where headhunters were known to be more a danger than the abundant wildlife. He happened to be thinking about what to do if he encountered them when, as luck would have it, he came to a clearing where a tribe of about 70 of them were as surprised as he was...

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Three kids were arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

First kid: It's a lion! He'll come over and bite your head off if he catches you checking out his lady lion.

Second kid: Nope, it's a piranha! They will eat an entire cow if it just takes a sip of water from their river.

Third kid: You're both wrong. It's a crocogator.

First Kid...

3 explorers are lost deep in the jungle.

After days of desperate wandering they stumble upon a tribal village, where they are quickly captured and brought before the Chief.
The Chief adresses the first explorer and demands, "you! Death, or bobo?"
The first explorer, longing for his young wife, says, "I promised my wife I would re...

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A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

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A mouse walks up to the watering hole in the jungle,

He shouts at the "hippo you get the fuck out of the water"

the hippo gets out and the mouse says "fine you can get back in"

He shouts at the elephant "you fatso get out the water"

the elephant gets out, the mouse says "ok you can get back in"

he then does this to the...

A Cannibal is walking in the jungle toward his village.

Soon, a second cannibal joins him on the road. The first cannibal says to the second, “Hi, How’re you doing?”

The second cannibal says, “Not so good. My stomach has been upset for the past few days.”

The first cannibal replies, “Well, what’ve you been eating?”

The second canniba...

Why did all the animals in the jungle made fun of Mowgli ?

Because his tail was In the front not the back.

Who's the best rapper in the jungle?

Kendrick Lemur

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A small plane crashes in the jungle...

After a while the pilot awakes, finding the crashed plane surrounded by fierce looking tribal warriors. Upon seening that he's still alive, the warriors seize him, and bring him to their chieftain. The pilot thinks to himself: "Damned, I'm fucked!"

Suddenly, he hears a heavenly voice: "No, yo...

Never talk to an animal that can talk in the jungle

They be lion

Do you know why there isn't paracetamol in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat'em all.

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bungle in the jungle

a lady journalist tracks down Tarzan , he consents to give her an interview. After a while she spots that he has a hardon. She asks him what he does for sex. He points to a hole in a nearby tree and explains that this is what he uses for sex. She took of her clothes and told him he was in for a trea...

What do you call it when you make asian food in the jungle?

Taking a Wok on the wild side.

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Three men were walking in the jungle.

They had been walking for days, and it was becoming apparent that they were lost.

Just when they were about to give up, a group of natives from a jungle tribe captured them and took them to their village.

The three men were thrown into a cage in the middle of the village, for all the ...

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