UPJOKE

In The Hospital Jokes

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

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The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies

The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincide...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried:
"So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” ...

My Dad was in the hospital from being electrocuted

When he left he was discharged

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident

He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'h...

How did John Travolta end up in the hospital.?

He slipped in Grease.

I almost got switched at birth in the hospital

But then my mother got caught by the nurse

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

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The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "private area", a slight amount of brain activity on the monitor.

The senior nurse goes out to talk to the husband, "Mr. Smith, we have an unorthodox request for you. My staff has noticed that your wif...

A mad man in the hospital

Told his doctor that he was seeing rats playing basketball outside.

The doctor said “take these tablets to help you sleep.”

The mad man replied, “NO Sah! Tonight is the finals!”

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...

Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.

His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.

A man woke up in the hospital...

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.

Me why?

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What do they announce overhead when a patient poops in the bed in the hospital?

I Heard they call a Code Amber.

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital….

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

A sick kid in the hospital

Kid : will you visit me when I get out

Doctor : don’t be stupid, I hate graveyards

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

A guy visited his friend with a broken foot in the hospital

He asked him what happened and the guy recounts his story.

He said that he was in the pet shop when he saw a parrot he liked. He asked the owner about it and the owner said that the parrot could do karate.

The way this worked was when one said "Parrot karate [object]", the parrot wou...

An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

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Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.

One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"

The other woman says: "That's nice."

The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"

The other woman again says: "That's nice"

The first woman looking...

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A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

A doctor is checking on his patient after she’s spent the night in the hospital and asks how her breakfast was.

“Well, doctor,” the old woman says, “the eggs were fine. The toast was fine. But the nurse left a tube of that Kentucky Jelly in here and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

I parked up in the hospital car park this morning and this official looking bloke says that space is reserved for badge holders only.

I said I have got a bad shoulder.

My brother is in the hospital guys, doctors aren't giving much hope.

Doctors say that he's incapable to stand for the next 8 months, he's extremely weak now. I can barely bear the noises, he's crying so much I feel very bad for him going through this. Anyway, on a positive note, I'm a big brother now!

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

The last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rationa...

Who's the coolest man in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy.

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

Hillbillies in the hospital

A hillbilly was visiting the hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthethic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He...

Hillary Clinton is in the hospital...

She is being treated for third degree Berns.

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

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A jew is in the hospital with Coronavirus

Moishe was put into a hospital with a confirmed case of Coronavirus, and so, is obviously quarantined.

The doctor came in and Moishe asked “Doctor, what can I be treated with?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “from today, you’ll be on a strict Matzah diet.”

“Matzah diet?”

“Yeah...

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

Two 5 year old boys are in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. The first boy asks the other, "What are having done?"

"I'm having my tonsils taken out."

"Oh you're going to love it. I had that done last year and I got to eat ice cream for a week. Best week ever."

The second boy asks, "What about you?"

"Circumcision," the first boy replies.

The second boy responds, "I had that done when ...

A man’s in the hospital bed

When the doctor came in, so he asks:
“Doctor, how did my tests went? I’m dying of curiosity”
Which he answers:
“Well, not just of curiosity”

I saw mike tyson in the hospital...

Not gonna lie he looks kinda thick today

I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self".

Johnny was in the hospital.

Johnny was in the hospital, sitting on the bench. Johnny was here for an appointment.

As he waited he saw Alex come out crying.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I just had a blood test.
Johnny: So, were you scared?
Alex: No. But they cut my finger.

Upon hearing this, Johnn...

Where should Spongebob fans go in the hospital?

The Squid-ward

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In the hospital

After the accident I called my wife from the hospital.

Wife: "Hello?"

Me: "Honey, I was in an accident. I’m in insensitive care."

Wife: "Don’t you mean intensive care?"

Just then the nurse walked into my room. “What are you complaining about now, ya crybaby bitch?”

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at t...

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.

The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But bef...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Indian man were in the hospital.

Their wives had just given birth and the three new fathers were waiting to see their newborn sons. A doctor came and ushered them into the newborn nursery. When they got there a worried-looking nurse said, "There's a problem. We forgot to put wristbands on the babies, and now we don't know which ...

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A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

The guy is in the hospital on the verge of death,

full of tubes to keep him alive as long as possible. The family calls the priest to give him the final rites. When the priest sits at the head of the dying man, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly, and he frantically gestures for something to write. The priest gives him a pad and a pen, and t...

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A couple is in the hospital after the wife just had a baby.

The doctor comes up to them with a concerned expression. "Your son is perfectly healthy, but I'm afraid he doesn't have eyelids. What we can do is graft a pair with the skin left after we circumcise him"

The dad asks "But won't be end up cock-eyed?".

The doctor says" Oh, no. If anythi...

What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?

Paramedic

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Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt?

His condition is stable.

When I woke in the hospital, I was told they'd had to use a defibrillator on me.

It was quite a shock to the system.

A man, his wife and the doctor are in the hospital while the wife gives birth

Husband: are you ok?

Wife: I am ok, I’m really not, this feels great, this is the worst pain of my life

Husband: what does this mean?

Doctor: don’t worry, those are just the contradictions

As she glared at me as we sat in the hospital,

It occurred to me that we probably should've changed our safe word from "pineapple" when we started experimenting with produce.

John Cena wakes up in the hospital...

He asked the nurse, "Where am I?"
The nurse replied, "ICU."
He looks at her and says, "No you can't..."

Why is there airconditioning in the hospitals?

To keep vegetables cool and fresh.

Did you hear about that Formula 1 Driver that died in the hospital?

After seeing his family, he took a turn for the worst

A man visits his friend in the hospital after the Chernobyl accident

He says, "You look taller." His friend says, "Yeah. I grew a couple feet."

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied ...

The biker gang is visiting one of their members in the hospital after his accident.

"How did you even crash?!"

"Well, it was late at night, and I was a bit buzzed, and I saw a pair of idiots riding on either side of the road. Thought I would just slip past between them and be fine."

"And?"

"It was a car."

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The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?

Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.

Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?

Nurse: Don’t worr...

When my little brother was born, he was named Ugliest Baby In The Hospital

I don't know why my parents would name him that. We call him Ubith for short.

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A woman is in the hospital in a coma

and her husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline a...

What ward does Sauron visit in the hospital?

ICU

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.

&nbsp;


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle ave...

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I co...

A lady is giving birth in the hospital...

A lady is giving birth in the hospital. Her husband is sitting next to the doctor across the room from her. Suddenly a look of distress comes across her face and she begins screaming: "CAN'T!.." "WON'T!.." "COULDN'T!.." "SHOULDN'T!..". Her husband begins to feel deeply worried and turns to the docto...

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