UPJOKE

In The Dark Jokes

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty Euros," she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the cop....

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What has two butts and kills in the dark?

Assassin

My children are my light in the darkness

...that they caused.

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One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...

...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because h...

What did one gargoyle say to the other in the dark?

Statue?

In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

You’re not scared of being alone in the dark.

You’re scared of not being alone in the dark.

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Sex in the dark

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw...

In the dark of night, I fear vampires, but, when the first light of day breaks, I wonder why I had ever been afraid

It's hard to take vampires seriously after Twilight.

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What do you call a shit you take in the dark?

A spookie dookie

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

What drink can help you see in the dark?

Coke light

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

What's flat, black and glows in the dark?

Iran if they keep it up

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

Pubic hair that glows in the dark

Is easier to get out of your teeth

Children in the dark make accidents...

But accidents in the dark make children.

We work in the dark to serve the light. What are we?

Electricians

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I like to poop in the dark....

Scare the shit out of myself.

Two cannibals find a missionary in the dark....

Since it was dark and they didn't want to run into each other while they ate him, one started at the head and the other at the feet.

After a while the one who started at the top said, "Hey how you doin' down there?"

Cannibal replied, "Man, I'm havin' a ball!"

First one said, "H...

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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark...

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

Son-Dad, can you write in the dark?

Dad-I think so. What is it you want me to write?

Son-your name on this report card.

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Why can't the Avengers fight Thanos in the dark?

Their Vision's fucking useless.

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Apparently, in the Dark Ages, having sex with corpses was pretty popular

But now, necrophilia is fucking dead.

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

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A prostitute walks into a church...

She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask,

"What troubles you, my child?"

The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."

The priest sighs and sa...

How do two Marines find eachother in the dark?

Very satisfying

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Ba-dum-tss

I can't see very well in the dark

but on the bright side, I see just fine.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

Every night I have the same horrible dream about getting attacked by a horse while walking home in the dark

It's one terrifying night mare

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

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TIL ninjas only have sex in the dark...

That way you can't see them coming.

How do you find King Arthur in the dark?

With a knight light....

A devout peasant in the dark ages...

Has a starving family, so goes to the church to pray. "Oh, please lord, oh great one, in your benevolence provide my family with sustenance".A lump of meat falls from the heavens and lands at his feet. The next week they are starving again, so the peasant goes back to the church, kneels and bows his...

Scientists have invented an alcohol that glows in the dark.

In other words, you can now get drunk and enlightened at the same time.

What do you call it when you have a dream about a horse in the dark?

A nightmare

What do you call poultry that glows in the dark?

Chicken Kiev

With the citywide blackout, I couldn't tell if I was in front of my school or not. But I took a shot in the dark.

Yep, this is my school.

Why Weren't There Many Jokes in the Dark Ages?

No one could perform the execution well enough.

Late at night I jabbed my wife in the dark and said, " You're it."

I nearly fell out of bed when I woke up next to a scary clown in the morning.

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Finally left my partner because she always wanted to have sex in the dark. Never wanted it to end this way, but I had to for my penis...

She never saw it coming

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in th...

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My wife told me she can only have sex with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.

Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.

Cop sees several cars parked in the dark, rocking side to side.

He goes up to the 1st car and knocks on the window. A brunette rolls down the window and says: "It's ok officer, we are just doing the Samba."
Cop goes to the 2nd car and knocks, a redhead rolls down the window and says: "It's ok officer, we are just doing the Mambo.
Cop goes on to the 3...

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

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How do you find an obese woman's vagina in the dark?

Go through the folds of fat until you smell shit, then go back one.

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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