In Soviet Russia Jokes - 72 Hilarious In Soviet Russia Jokes

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

In Soviet Russia, a man calls the police.

"Comrade commissar, I want to report that my parrot escaped."

"Comrade, we have more important things to do than look for your parrot!" answers the policeman.

"I am not expecting you to find him, comrade, I just want you to know that I don't share his opinions!"

Three men are in prison in Soviet Russia...

... And they start explaining how they wound up in prison.

The first man says, "I was five minutes late to work, so I was arrested for sabotaging Soviet productivity."

The second man says, "I was five minutes early so I was arrested for espionage, spying on Russian industrial secrets."...

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...

in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

Stalin is trying to seduce a girl in Soviet Russia

Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you..

Girl: I want you to open the borders.

Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..

Back in Soviet Russia...

...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew living in Soviet Russia writes a letter to his relative in America.

*Roza, food is so expensive here, you won't believe it. A chicken costs 5 rubles. Can you imagine? 5 rubles for a chicken.*

The next day, he gets a visit from the KGB. The KGB officer tells him, "you must rewrite the letter. Tell them food is cheaper and of better quality than in America"
...

A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia.

He asks the clerk, "You don't have any meat?"

The clerk replies, "No, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is across the street."

In soviet Russia...

The President of Soviet Russia visited the U.S. After a long day of negotiations at the White House, the U.S. President asks his soviet colleague, what he would like for dinner. The Soviet President replied, that he would love to try the brains of an American.

A couple month later, the U....

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

The big day...

In Soviet Russia we also have a Snoop Dogg.

But he just regular dog who work for KGB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is permanent in Soviet Russia?

Temporary circumstances.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:

*This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.

In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia and asks for a room. The receptionist tells him that they only place left is in a shared room with four beds, the bathroom is on corridor and the other 3 beds are already occupied. He accepts it, goes to his room and tries to fall asleep but the other 3 gues...

A man walks down the street in Soviet Russia and says to himself: “life here is so miserable”.

Two KGB agents come running yelling: “you are under arrest, we heard you”.
The man: "no no, you misunderstood me.. I said that life in America is miserable."
KGB Agents: "shut up, we know where life is miserable."

A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia

A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"

The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.

He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."

A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."

The old Jew ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

In Soviet Russia healthcare is free

And you get what you pay for

--Yakov Smirnov

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Soviet Russia.

Everyone's standing in line for bread, waiting for hours. Finally a baker

comes out and says "Comrades! Unfortunately we won't have enough bread

for everybody. Will everyone who's Jewish please leave the line?" A few people leave. After an hour, he comes out and says "Comrade...

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

They were afraid of Stalin.

In Soviet Russia a teacher asks the pupils who is their favourite hero

In Soviet Russia a teacher asks the pupils who is their favourite hero. Vovochka raises his hand and replies "Lenin!". He gets rewarded with highest mark but mutters under his breath "sorry Winnetou but business is business.".

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

In Soviet Russia

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.

The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author."

Roses are red, violets are blue, in Soviet Russia,

Year celebrates you.

A man is standing in a breadline in Soviet Russia.

The line stretches for several blocks long. Finally losing his patience, he says. "You know what, this is ridiculous. I'm going to go and kill Stalin". With that, he leaves the line. An hour later he comes back and rejoins the line.

"So, did you kill Stalin?" the woman behind him asks.
...

Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia?

Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

In Soviet Russia...

...you die for Jesus's sins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking home from the doctor's office in soviet Russia

He is stopped by a solider, who says "comrade, let me see your papers."

He begins looking but can't find them.

"Show me your papers now or I will assume you are an American spy." The soldier cocks his rifle.

Reaching into his inside pocket, he finds some papers, and throws th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging...

It was close to curfew in Soviet Russia, two policemen see a man running

One of the the policemen shoots the running man dead.

"Why did you do that? It isn't past curfew yet!" the other policeman asks

The other replies:

"I know where he lives, he wasn't gonna make it"

A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.

Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.

"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."

"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.

The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia?

Because it's the destruction of government property.

In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"...

Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

In Soviet Russia, Chicken feed, YOU!

One day, a farmer receives a knock on the door. He opens up and it's the KGB.

Man: Good morning, sirs.

KGB: utro sobirayetsya sosat'

Man: How can I help you, comrades?

KGB: We would like to know what you feed your chickens.

Man: Of course, comrades, I feed my chick...

On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia...

Turkey shoot you!

On a cold night in Soviet Russia...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve.

They feel a slight percipitation.

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, its snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask the communist officer here? Hes always right!" Exclaims the man

"Officer ...

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from ...

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

THEREFORE, YOU ARE NOTHING.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew in Soviet Russia

One day, an elderly Jew in Soviet Russia breaks out a holy book and begins reading it aloud to himself in Hebrew.
A Soviet officer takes notice of this and with an aggressive voice goes, "Insufferable Jew! What exactly do you think you're doing?" to which the old Jewish man responds, "Your excel...

three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia

Three prisoners meet in a Gulag in Soviet Russia.

They tell each other what are they there for.

The first one says: "In 1930, I made a negative review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The second one says: "In 1930, I made a positive review of comrade Ivanov's work."

The third o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is standing in a food line in Soviet Russia.

As she's walking home two hours later, a limo pulls up next to her and an Arab sheikh steps out.

"I am the king of one of the wealthiest countries of the world. I liked you the moment I laid eyes on you, and I would like you to join my harem." he says.

The woman replies. "The last thin...

In Soviet Russia, no one make comments on r/jokes

Because in Soviet Russia, real comment is always in joke

While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor.

"What happened to you?" He said.

"Migraine" i replied.

He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."

A man in Soviet Russia owns a rare talking parrot.

One day he comes home to find it missing.

Immediately, he goes to the KGB and asks if they have seen his parrot.

"This is not something we handle, Comrade. Go to the criminal police if you want your parrot back", the KGB officer replies.

"No, no, Comrade Major, I do ...

A man in Soviet Russia checks into a hotel for the night.

He goes up to his hotel room, which he has to share with three other men. He tries to get to sleep, but they're talking, drinking vodka and listening to music. He goes down to the receptionist and asks her to send up a cup of tea in ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, he knocks on the wall and sa...

In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava...

They play The Floor is Democracy

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day

He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The suspicious Soviet.

In the heat of the Cold war, the American C.I.A decides to send one of their best spy in Soviet Russia. The spy speak perfect Russians and learn the culture and history of the Russians.

Upon arrival in Moscow, the spies takes photography of nuclear implant, he follows Soviets politician throu...

One day in Soviet Russia, an officer is ordered to give a ticket to anyone speeding

Mikhail Gorbachev comes driving into Russia after a meeting in belgrade, he is with his chauffeur and must get to the Kremlin as fast as possible. He tells his chauffeur to get to the back and that he will drive. As Gorbachev is speeding, the officer sees the speeding car and pulls him over. At the ...

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

One day in Soviet Russia, dear comrade Stalin walks street when he see long line of people queuing up.

He thinks "Blyat! There must be something nice to be had at the end of that line". Being a dear comrade and equal to everyone, he dutifully goes to the end of the queue.

Now man next to him in line turns around and sees dear comrade Stalin. The very next moment, he leaves the queue!

Th...

When you tell a Soviet Russian joke

In other countries: people die laughing
In Soviet Russia : people laughing die

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

In school, you learn about spies

In soviet Russia, spies learn about you!

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

Why did Soviet miners work with their feet?

Because in Soviet Russia, the bomb disarms you!

Communism works!

In Soviet Russia, a citizen was standing in line to buy a car. When he finally reached the front of the line he specified the color he wanted and paid the full cost of the car.
The man at the counter took his money and asked him to come back in 5 years to pick up his car.
The citizen asked whe...

Russia has the lowest number of people who have caught covid. It's practically zero.

Unfortunately, it is because in Soviet Russia, covid catches you.

A sense of humor is like food...

...you're not allowed to have it in Soviet Russia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do communists stop breathing when they masturbate?

Because in Soviet Russia, chicken chokes YOU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russians search for My Little Pony porn 427% more than the worldwide average.

In Soviet Russia pony ride you.

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.