Just wondering, do you think it's ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible teacher?

Which people in school fart the most?

The tutors.

Three kids are discussing the smoking skills of their parents in school.

One of them says “my dad can blow the smoke through the nose” and the other two ask “wow, have you seen it?” to what he replies “yes he does it all the time”.
The second one says “well, my dad can blow the smoke through the ears”, the other too ask again “wow! Have you seen it???” to what he repl...

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

What’s a wizard’s favorite class in school?

Spelling

How are Flaming Hot Cheetos and a Gun the same in school?

Everyone will suddenly start acting like your best friend.

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

I have no idea how those quiet kids in school are doing now

I haven’t heard from them at all

What happens when you lose you attention span in school

You gain your detention span

So I took a programming elective in school

My final grade was C+

I failed math so many times in school

I can't even count.

Little Johnny is in school and they have show and tell.

The teacher asks the class to tell about something that happened in their family recently. When it is Johnny's turn. he walks to the board and draws two periods ". ." The teacher asks him to explain. He says"My sister missed these and my parents are real upset."

I asked out my crush in school today

Now I gotta look for a new job

In school, you learn about spies

In soviet Russia, spies learn about you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

Why don’t pirates do very well in school?

They’re only used to high C’s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in school, my mate got caught having a wank in the showers.

Really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Timmy why he has a cat in school.

Timmy, while crying, said," Because I heard my daddy say to my mummy "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave", so I'm saving him."

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

Why did the headless man study in school?

Because he wanted to get ahead!

I hate being a pirate in school.

In my report card I always get seven seas.

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

I told a mitosis joke in school once

I thought it was hilarious, but the class was divided.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Have you ever heard of a kidnapping in school?

Took him about an hour to wake up!

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

In school

Teacher: What's 5x2?

Little Ahmed: 10.

Teacher: Very good. And what is 5x3?

Little Ahmed: 9

Teacher: No, try again.

Little Ahmed: 8

Teacher: RUN!

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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My chemistry teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school

One day he surprised his teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were doing sex ed in school today.

I asked my teacher why I need this. He said you'll need it later in life. I told him I'm a redditor. I was excused from the class...

I always tell my kids to stay in school..,,

But they keep on coming back.

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

When Jefferson Davis was in school, his teacher told him

"You're great at division"

In school we had a friend named Gustavo.

He was a blast to be with, but he had an odor. If I had to describe it, fun Gus had a musky scent.

Dirty Ernie was in school and the teacher says “let’s do description and guessing, Tammy, reach in this bag and describe what you feel” Tammy reaches inside and says “ it’s round and

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink ti...

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

When I was in school my teacher took my mood ring and never gave it back.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

The other day, I read that 40 percent of teens have tried drugs in school...

That was a hard pill to swallow.

If procrastination was a class offered in school

I’d get an “i” for “Incomplete”

My grades in school were underwater...

Below C level.

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

I asked my friend if they taught bukkake in school...

I could see it all over her face that they did.

Jack and Molly in school...

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next d...

In school the teacher asks Joshua what he did during the break.

Joshua answers "I was playing with Thomas in the sand box". The teacher replies "Then come to the front, write sand on the blackboard and if you write it correctly you can go home."
After that the teacher asks Thomas what he did during the break and Thomas replies "I was in the sand box playing ...

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

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Why don’t you ever see donkeys in school?

Because nobody likes a smart ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is sitting in school and the teacher starts teaching the class about coronavirus.

She says “It’s important to know that coronavirus is very contagious”. One of the students puts up his hand and asks what contagious means. The teacher says ”Try to work it out from another example. Who knows a sentence with the word contagious?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teac...

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

Who gives the best BJ’s in school?

The Headmaster

When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry

And an F in Physics

I had the meanest math teacher in school.

They were so average.

Why don't kids play fortnite in school?

It's hard to make out where the gunshots are actually coming from

A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.

A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.

Teacher: What are your son’s names?

Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.

Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
...

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind"...

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

They should have a class in school focused on getting a good night sleep.

Rest Ed

Little johnny is in school one day...

Mrs teacher: Class hand in your homework.

Little johnny: *Can't find homework in his bag*

Mrs teacher: Detention for you little johnny!

Little johnny: Impossible!!!

The kid who used to bully me in school still takes my money..

On the plus side, he makes a pretty decent Subway sandwich.

Facebook is where you find people who studied with you in school

Twitter is where you find people you wish you studied with in school.

I wasn’t doing great in school, I was stressed out and acting up, so the school tried this new technique on me.

It’s called a de-tension.

What do cars get when they’re bad in school?

Suspension.

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A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

What's the most important lesson a which learns in school?

Spelling

When I was in School this emo girl was caught jacking off her boyfriend. Whether it be in the lunchroom, the classroom, the bathroom, etc. She always was jacking him off.

Last I heard the girl got expelled and the guy got off.

The most important thing I learned in school is how to use math in my everyday life.

Damn, I meant to say meth, damn drugs been messing with my brain

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

Mom! Mom! In school they say am clueless!

Sorry kid, your home is across the street.

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of camp do Jewish kids go to when they can't focus in school?

Summer camp, just like every other kid you sick bastards!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

The only thing in school I ever was good at was nap time in Kindergarden...

...I got straight Z's.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect;

then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

How much did you learn in school today?

Not enough, they want me to go back tomorrow.

Batman in school

When Bruce was still a kid and was in school, one day a teacher announced  “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

When she...

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One great moment in school.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

I remember studying Pavlov in school and thinking, "Those stupid dogs."

and then the bell went and we all had lunch

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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his ass with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit.

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

(Recent) Justin Trudeau did pretty well in school...

...But as soon as he got to the "yes/no answers" section of the exams, he couldn't answer the questions and accidentally apologized to the indigenous people on behalf of someone else at a different period in time.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

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I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a lack of sex education being taught in school

Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

What book does every Mexican student read in school?

Tequila Mockingbird.

The vote for better slides in school playgrounds is on the ballot this year.

Unfortunately, I live in a swing state.

Why do we learn how to make bread in school?

It’s not like we knead it!

When I was in school every classroom had a chalkboard. Now every classroom has a whiteboard.

They are remarkable.

Back in school, I took an apple tart to Detroit, Flint, and St Louis

My teacher had asked me to take pi to three dismal places

Teacher in school asked a student for a sentence that used the word 'contagious'....

The student said "our neighbours are printing the house with a 2 inch brush ,and my dad said it would take the contagious".

I hated eating my greens in school when I was a kid

They always tasted worse than the other crayons

The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

A young kid misbehaves in school

He is forced to write “I will not misbehave in school” 1000 times. This makes his hand very sore. When he is picked up, he complains “ my hand is sore”. His 14 year old brother reply’s “ yeah, well, it will be even more sore when you’re a teenager”.

You can't even play "Hangman" in school any more because it's considered offensive

It's now "Hangperson"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to shit my pants in school

You can read all about it in my auto biography, *Diarrhea of a Wimpy Kid*.

What's the first thing an elf learns in school?

The elf-abet...

Why do so many American kids die in school shootings?

They're not allowed to run in the halls.

[-Jimmy Carr](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpxmKKtbw7w)

Why do we fall asleep in school...

Because it's where dream starts.

I was called to school because my 9 year old son vandalized a wall in school's bathroom with a permanent marker again

That's where he drew the line

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a man who has been married 25 years.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part”

Stay in school, kids.

One day, a kid comes home from school. He goes up to his mom and says "Momma, I was at school today, and Tommy could count all the way to 100! I can barely count to about 7 or 8!" The mom goes "That's ok sweetie, one day you'll be as smart as him.
Next day, the kid comes home again. He goes up to...

A catholic kid is in school and needs help

While the teacher was helping the student, he suddenly makes a mistake


Teacher: Oh, you need to erase that


Kid: I can't


Teacher: Why?


Kid: Because I didn't bring a rubber


Teacher: Why not?


Kid: Because my dad said it's a s...

Cocaine in school

One of the teachers at my local school for obese children, was fired today. He was fired for doing cocaine before going to work. He was ratted out by his large pupils.

My son drew something in school today which made people scream.

They stopped after he opened fire

What's common in school shooting jokes and school shooting victims?

They never get old.

I was bullied a lot in school.

Eventually I went on to musical success. Years down the line, I stopped in my hometown to do a show. It turned out the biggest of my bullies was hired to handle my displays.

I watched for a while as he tried to put up some cardboard cutouts of myself. Every time he would set one up, another o...

My Son Lied in School

Today I got a call from the school, saying he was lying about stealing from other students.

I don't have a son at school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Child skipping ahead in school

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"

Ms....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Samuel L Jackson Say When He Was Asked To Name the First Greek Myth He Was Taught in School.

Oedipus Was the First Motherfucker!

What was Kim Jong Un's favorite class in school?

Literature. He is a supreme reader after all.

In schools with no tolerance policies...

Do all the survivors go to jail after a school shooting?

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

What do you call a horse that was average in school?

A *C horse*

(Hah)

In school there was a show and tell event.

Teacher: Adeline what did you bring?

Adeline: A MP3!

Teacher: Nice! What about you Ben?

Ben: A MP4.

Teacher: Interesting. What about you Carl?

Carl: I brought my MP5. Dan brought his MP7, Eva brought her MP18 and Fritz brought his MP40.

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