UPJOKE

In Russia Jokes

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

Netflix has ceased operation in Russia.

Now Russians have Nyetflix

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia?

50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it.

In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line.
The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”.
The man asks “In the morning o...

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

How do you say "No TV" in Russia?

Nietflix

In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"

At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be si...

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

How's life in Russia?

They can't complain

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his ...

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?...

I Was in Russia a few weeks ago

And I was watching a stand up comedian making jokes about Putin. To be honest I didnt really care for the jokes, but I liked the execution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?

Couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

Democracy in Russia

I bet you were expecting more.

"What will life in Russia be like in 2023?"

"It will be worse than 2022 but better than 2024"

A newspaper kiosk in Russia

Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.

This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"

"An obituary"

"But they are way back in the newspaper...

Help, someone in Russia is trying to hack my phone

Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.

2021 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in the world

2022 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Ukraine
2023 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Russia

It looks like the Russian Military is aiming for a record-breaking streak as the world's best 'second place'!

An american couple in Russia

An american couple was being shown around Red square in Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he s...

A young boy goes to his father in Russia

The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles"
Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in ...

In a hotel is Putin's Russia

3 Friends are in a Hotel room in Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks down...

You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia?

A wish.

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in Russia

when he shouts "I hate that stupid leader with his stupid mustache!"

A soldier, on hearing that, arrests the man and takes him straight to Stalin.

The soldier told Stalin what he heard and so Stalin asks the man what he meant when he said that.

The man replies "I was talking ab...

An American, Brit, and Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

“I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life in Russia.

A girl from a kolkhoz became a prostitute. Even worse, she became a "Dolarnaya prostitutka" (one sleeping with Western tourists for dollars). After few years she came back for a visit. Head of the kolkhoz gave her an emotional speech in front of all kamerades: "Look at you! We all work hard 12 hours...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that pornhub was shutdown in Russia over the weekend...

Guess you could say things are out of hand over there.

I heard New years is cancelled in Russia this year.

They got no rockets left.

In Russia its called corruption, in USA

we don't talk about it.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

Netflix is launching in Russia, but with a very limited catalogue.

They're calling it Nyetflix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Lockdown in Russia

Lockdown in Russia, the '50s. Interdiction to be out between 21:00 and 6:00. 2 military men see some guy sneaking. One of them takes out his gun and shoots him.
- Yuri, why did you shoot him? It's only 20:45.
- I knew the guy, he lives very far. He wouldn't have made it on time

I got attacked while vacationing in Russia

All I remember was seeing Tsars.

What is a wedding in russia called?

A soviet union.

How do you pay for coffee in Russia?

With tsar bucks.

In the US cops are called pigs, in Russia they call them goats.

A man shows up at a police station in Russia and says there is a dead goat on the road two blocks away. The cops are like There was no need to come here, call the city or whatever. The guy says Well, I thought when somebody dies the first thing they do is inform their relatives.

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

Watch out when drinking tea in Russia...

...you never know what they Putin it.

Why can’t Ed leave his place in Russia?

Because he’s Snowden.

Joke that has recently become popular in Russia in light of recent protests

- Dad, which concentration camp are we going to?
- Dunno, son, I’m not interested in politics.

What do you call 4 bucks in Russia?

Quadrubel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

What's the difference between alcohol and water in Russia?

Just a single letter.

What do you call a dirty cow in Russia?

MossCow

Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ?

Crimea River

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

Why was Edward stuck in Russia?

Because he got Snowden!

History class in Russia

During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, “OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?”

From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, “Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was...

The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

-It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..

said one of the orphans.

Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.

After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar stor...

CIA Agent arrested in Russia

A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent.
Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin thei...

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?

Because it's bad for microphones

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia...

I was in The Serviette Union.

I played a song to a tree in Russia

Now it's Dmitree

What do you call a multiple choice quiz in Russia?

An election.

Someone has their house be robbed in Russia

The house owner says "Damn you, this is MY property!" The robber responds "No. This is OUR property".

A boy in Russia asks his Grandpa...

Grandpa?” asked a little boy, “Is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Plant?”

“Yes, it’s true,” said the grandpa, and patted his grandson’s head.

“Is it also true that no one was harmed and there were no consequences whatsoever?”

“Yes, it’s true,” sai...

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

What happens to investigative journalists in Russia?

They're Putin jail

Come on, Trump has no ties in Russia.

His ties are made in China. His business loans are in Russia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English guy goes to prison in Russia.

An English guy goes to prison in Russia. His huge Russian cell mate tells him "I'm not going to lie, I'm going to fuck you, only question is, you want it with Vaseline, or without Vaseline?"
The English guy says "if you're going to fuck me, I think I'd prefer with Vaseline"
The Russian leans o...

The first case for COVID-19 has been confirmed in Russia

The patients name is Ivor Chestikov

The uploading in Russia is horrible...

But the inSTALIN is amazing!

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

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