UPJOKE

In Order To Jokes

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

Hulk Hogan had to overcome serious mental issues in order to be famous.

He had to..wrestle mania.

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

My friends were blocking highways in order to protest and were eventually arrested

For human trafficking

In order to know what a recursion is...

You must first know what a recursion is.

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the...

In order to get H2O from the ground

You have to know water well

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

Never thought one day I'll have to avoid going to the gym in order to stay healthy....

Courtesy: Covid

In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

How big does a bird have to be in order to be considered an outcast?

Ostrichsized

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it’s the ATM machine at my local bank.

I need glasses in order to see my family

Specifically two glasses of scotch

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(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:


God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

In order to put a bit of flavour in my vegan curry I put ginger in it

.

The neighbours bloody loved that cat but my curry was bang on!

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

I hate when people use "big words" they don't even know the meaning, in order to look samrt.

For me, they are completely photosynthetic.

In order to join our club, you must perform the dance

It's called 2 step verification

Why did the tiny robot need sodium nitrate in order to work?

It was a NaNObot.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

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What does a crazy caterpillar create in order to turn into a butterfly? [OC]

A cuckoo-n!

My drug dealer dressed up as a Jehovah’s Witness in order to be less suspicious

However, he got arrested after the cops saw me let him in

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

What do you have to allocate in order to crash a Minecraft server on purpose?

Premeditated Wam.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

In order to stop all the black lives matter protests

Just play the national anthem on repeat, they will all sit down or kneel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

In order to beat our opponent, we've gotta think like them.

Quick! Empty your minds!

What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star?

Wookie Leaks

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20.

You have to be able to C#.

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

Saudi-Arabia has developed teleportation technology in order to sustain their economy when oil is depleted.

First tests in their embassies are promising, but apparently there are still issues with the part that is supposed to make one reappear.

In order to write a good essay about trees..

..you'll need to write a good photosynThesis.

How many people do the cops need to kill in order to start a riot?

3/5ths

A panda once hid his food in order to get more.

The zookeepers were bamboozeled.

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

My brother felt down, so I tried telling him 10 puns in order to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

I put my name into a drawing in order to win a tiny broom used to clean beef.

I hope I win this sweep steaks

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

They say in order to help with bonding newborns take on characteristics of their fathers.

Sure enough, my son was born with large features, a furrowed brow, and complained about nerve damage from his knee surgery.

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

If I worked at an Indian restaurant I wouldn't ingratiate myself with the boss in order to influence menu choices.

I don't think it's right to curry favour for curry flavour.

Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

Did you know Beethoven wrote a song in order to pay his rent?

It was for a lease

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

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