UPJOKE

I Wouldn't Jokes

The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."

Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day ...

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

I wouldn't have guessed Bob Barker was 99 years old when he died.

I would have guessed he was 1 years old and hope all the other guesses were over.

I wouldn't say I'm a big drinker, I usually just have a glass of whiskey before bed

Last night I went to bed 8 times

I wouldn't be the man I am today, if it wasn't for my father.

He refused to pay for my abortion.

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

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All I said was that I wouldn't like Santa very much if he was gay.

Now everyone thinks I'm hohohomophobic.

I wouldn't say my house has the best ceiling in the world.

But it's definitely up there!

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

I wouldn't be too worried about Stan Lee dying...

Marvel will just resurrect him in a few issues

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't suck a dick for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

I let my boss know I wouldn't be in because I had a case of Corona.

Technically I wasn't lying because I did drink like 10 of the 12.

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

If it wasn't for my wife I wouldn't be where I am today.

In a psychiatric ward.

I moved to Compton so I wouldn't get ED.

Cuz The Boyz In the Hood are always hard.

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

They told me I wouldn't be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

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Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw,

my premature ejaculation is certainly a shortcominng.

I wouldn't say my wife was fat.......

.....but she wore a white dress to the cinema last night and they showed the film on her back!

What did the jar say when I put a lid on it after telling it I wouldn't do that

I feel lid on

I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding commitment . . .

but I wouldn't say that I'm not.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a

Necropheliac.

I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk

But I will say it's the healthiest way to prepare punk

I wouldn't get a job at that mattress store if I were you...

I heard they have a high turnover rate.

*joke brought to you by lack of sleep

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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

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I wouldn't call my marriage a sexual marriage

But I'd certainly call it asexual marriage.

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

I wouldn't say I never exercise...

Occasionally, my nose runs.

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People often complain I wouldn't appreciate their opinion.

If you ask me, this is always bullshit.

I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Two rednecks were sitting on a porch.
A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. The one readneck looks to other and says, "man, I sure wish I could do that"
The other redneck says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..that dog will bite you"

Well, I wouldn't say the easiest.

What's the easiest way to get gum out of your hair?


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Cancer

I wouldn't say I was going bald, but....

When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, "which one?"

I wouldn't want to take the ring to Mordor.

But Elijah Wood.

My Chinese wife kicked me out because I wouldn't get off my Chinese phone.

She said it's Mai Wei or the Huawei.

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My wife said to me that she wished I wouldn't drop the F-bomb in front of the kids.

What the fuck is the F-bomb?

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

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Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

My wife let me name our daughter, convinced I wouldn't give her a stupid name.

But I called her Bluff.

What happened when I wouldn't get our lawn mower fixed.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

Wh...

My husband told me he'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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Another Blonde joke that is definitely not a repost. Honest. I wouldn't kid you.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.


The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”


“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”


“Not for me. I'll be spe...

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I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire.

But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will.

Everybody thought I wouldn't do a good job of being an usher at my brother's wedding.

I guess I put a lot of people in their place.

I wouldn't create a palindrome for a Klondike Bar. But I'd...

Murder for a jar of red rum.

As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.

It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

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If a stripper wiggled her butt in my face i wouldn't give her a dollar.

I don't give money to bums.

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Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a...

Mom always said that I wouldn't always be able to pick and choose...

Years later, I found this to be true when I was living in Russia and election time rolled around.

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I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy...

but it's definitely up there.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't stop quoting Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I wouldn't say I do a lot of psychedelics...

But my couch has seatbelts.

The Dragonborn is mad because I wouldn't teach him the first part of Unrelenting Force.

I don't see what all the fus is about.

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

My girlfriend got mad that I wouldn't do the Titanic pose with her the other day.

I told her we can't do that in a two person canoe.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

It may not be politically correct, but I wouldn't ever date someone who was born with deformed feet.

You could say I'm lack-toes intolerant.

They said due to my dyslexia, I wouldn't stand a chance in a spelling bee.

You should've seen the look on their faces when I proved them grown.

I met a beautiful, strong willed woman.

When I introduced myself as Frank she said "I wouldn't have pegged you as a Frank."

So I asked "What if my name was Joe?"

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When I was 14, my mom caught me smoking. She made me smoke 40 cigarettes so I wouldn't want to smoke again.

I'm just happy she didn't catch me masturbating!

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I got into a fight with a girl and she said she bets I have a tiny penis

I responded with "what difference does it make to you? You're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 1.5 inch pole"

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

I wouldn't shed a tear if you cancelled MS America, nor lose sleep if you cancelled MS Universe

But please don't you dare cancel MS Paint :*(

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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