UPJOKE

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I WON! I WON!

man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife:
"honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!"
the wife says:
"oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?"
the man replies:
"i don't care, just get the fuck out!"

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won a dick measuring competition.

I measured more dicks than everyone!

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i asked my girlfriend what she would do if i won the lottery

She said: i would take half of it and run away
Then i replied: ok i won 10 dollars here's 5 now get the fuck out

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

I won a scentific reward today!

I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!


I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

My wife died and I won the lottery.

The genie says I have one wish left.

I’m not usually good at carnival games, but I won a stuffed knight at the county fair.

It was a Sir Prize

I won an Iphone 13 in a race

The other two competitors are: the owner of the phone and police officers

Why I won’t take the Covid Vaccine

The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.

Why I won’t be voting for Trump or Biden

I’m Indian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

I won’t vaccinate my kids.

I’ll leave that to a professional.

I won a 1v5 fight today

Man we creamed that guy!

I won a lifetime supply of canned pineapple.

I'm looking forward to living on the Dole.

One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.

I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition

Once I won.....

Once I won the game, I threw the ball into the crowd, but apparently that's frowned upon when playing bowling.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

I won the first place in the Politically correct quiz contest

To be fair, so did the rest of them

I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

I won’t make friends with anti-vaxxer’s

I don’t want to get too attached

I won a Minecraft game without cheating

I did it fair and cube.

I won my first cage fight today

Stupid bird never knew what hit it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won the masturbation competition

Single-handedly.

I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

I'm thinking I'm going into labor. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't've.

My contractions are getting closer together.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

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Honey I won the Lottery.

Overly exuberant husband came home. "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" Wife; "Where are we going?". Husband; "We are not going anywhere - get the fuck out!"

I had a staring contest with the sun and I won!

The sun must’ve blinked since there doesn’t seem to be any light anymore!

I won the first place in the Political Correctness Quiz contest..

To be fair,so did everyone else...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

I won a math debate.

Say it out loud. ^

I’m pretty sure I won’t get COVID-19...

I mean, I haven’t even seen the first one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

I won a local area network from Australia

It’s a LAN down under

I ask my girlfriend what lottery I won to deserve her.

Her(self deprecating as always): the dollar scratch off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said, “I’m working late tonight so I won’t be home until about midnight”

My wife said, “That’s the fifth time this week. Are you cheating on me?”


I said, “Er .. no .. why would you think that?”


She said, “Because you’re a fucking milkman”

I Won a fight, 3 against 1

To be fair, having two guys help you out makes it a really easy fight.

Today I won a car by picking a lock.

It also came with a dog and a baby inside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won a trip to a Party in Space.

The food and beer was good.

The atmosphere was Crap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today

Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

I won a swordfight

I couldn't be rapier now

I won a math debate today.

... but I gueth that thould be kepth private.

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

There was a competition of hiding potatoes and I won.

because my carbo-hide-rate was good.

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

I won a fight against 1, 2, 3, 5 and 7

It was tough, they were in their prime.

I won a tutu in a charity draw at my daughter's ballet school. My Mexican friend entered as well.

Juan won one tutu too.

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

This year I won’t be making any more mistakes...

Because hindsight is 2020

I won the Most Unreliable Employee award.

I'll collect it when I can be bothered to go back in.

I went to get a vasectomy and the doctor said I won’t have children anymore

When I went back home they were still there

I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guess I won’t even be a prostitute one day...

Shouldn’t have dropped out of fucking school

If no one else is eating Indian flatbread, I won’t either.

I guess you can say I’m a Naan conformist.

I won a duel using a block of cheese last week. How you might ask?

It was extra sharp.

I won a bike race when no-one thought I could

Apart from Siri, she was routing for me throughout the whole journey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my nudes the same way I won the presidency

Black male.

I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called me and said, “We are going live in a few seconds, I’m going to ask you what you’re going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.”
“Okay” I replied.
He said, “3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the ...

I won’t go anywhere near foot hygiene tools...

I hear some of them are pedi files

I won a nearly impossible fight where the odds were six against one.

But once I joined, we beat him up in five minutes.

today i won a raffle.

received a life supply of marmite, one whole jar.

I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hotdog.

I'm on a roll.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

I used to be a flat earther, until I won the lottery...

After all, money makes the world go round!

I won a swimsuit contest the other day

I ate 57 swimsuits

I won my poker tournament last night with the five of clubs and the five of spades.

Black fives matter.

I won the lottery a week ago and I haven't stopped crying.

I guess I'm not financially stable.

I won a contest to name our zoo’s new Elephant. So in the spirit of Bob Seger, I named him Rock and Roll.

Because Rock and Roll never forgets.

My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Just you wait!”

I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...

I'm at Wal-mart.

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won a fight that was five against one in Baltimore today.

We totally kicked the shit out of that guy.

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