UPJOKE

I Wish Jokes

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes

Me: But you said 3

Genie: Sue me.

I wish I hadn’t downloaded Reddit.

I regreddit.

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

I said to my friend: "I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad..."

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"


I said "no, he also wished he was..."

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I told my genie I wish not to die a virgin

He granted me immortality.

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

I wish I could throw a pool party.

Because that would mean I had a pool and a bunch of friends.

"I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl.."

"Ok, that's three," interrupted the genie.

I wish I could find out what happened to my neighbor who couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, for closure.

I wish I could be socially awkward for a day

Because being it every day is getting kinda old

I wish I'd listened to what my parents told me when I was young...

other person: What did they tell you?



Me: I don't know, I didn't listen

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase...

...so I could unzip your genes.

I wish I could be your cactus...

So I could stick something in you every time you touch me.

I told my wife, "I love you. I wish you were happy all the time." To which she responded, "I wish you didn't make me mad all the time."

"That sounds like what I said, but more complicated..."

I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.

I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.

Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.

...

Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.

I wish I could donate blood, but last time there were so many questions.

"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Was the bucket sanitized first?"

"I wish..."

"I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.

Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:

"Rare coin worth millions found in well"

I wish I was stupid.

Y'all seem so happy.

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

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I wish girls had 12 boobs

Sounds great dozentit

I wish orange was a common color option for android phones

Would make it easier to compare them to Apples.

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes

"Wish granted," says the Genie.

"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.

The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.

"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"

The Genie smirks and responds "I sa...

Genie: you have 3 wishes. What is your first?

Guy: I wish for more wishes

Genie: you can wish for anything but more wishes

Guy: damn. I wish I could

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie.

The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish.

First, the English man makes his wish.

"Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to m...

I wish I were rich

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

I wish Corona could have started in Las Vegas...

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Genie: What’s your first wish?

Toby: I wish I was Rich.

Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

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I wish I knew who was off

Because people keep suggesting that's who I should fuck

I wish I could be your derivative...

So I could lie tangent to your curves

I wish my clothes were suicidal.

So they would hang themselves.

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me

I wish I were better at self deprecating jokes

Unfortunately I'm far too insecure about myself to make them

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

I wish my grass was emo

So it would cut its self

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

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Introducing a new joke style: I wish all the ladies

This was a thing we used to do on my sea scout ship after competition. It's a rhyming couplet in the general style of

"I wish all the ladies
Were [XXXX]
And I'd be [YYYY]
And [sex pun]"

A few examples:

I wish all the ladies
Were winds on the sea
And I'd be the sa...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

I wish my wife was more like reddit.

It goes down so often.

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

When I was in high school I wished that could be invisible so that I could sneak in the girls locker room.

Now I’m married And a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front me and pretends I’m invisible every day!

I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast.

But Life is often disappointing.

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

I wish I lasted longer in bed

Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!" Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend keeps moaning about how little room there is in the wardrobe and I wish she'd shut the fuck up.

The wife might find her.

I wish I could make jokes on socialsm.

Everyone would get it.

I wish I was Hugh Hefner.

Not because of all the money and girls. Because he died last week.

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight....

I wish these two tailors would get on with their fight.

They've been sizing each other up for hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

I wished everyone a Happy Memorial Day..

None of them responded

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was watching a spider building a web. He thought, “I wish I could build a home out of my ass!”

But his results just turned out like shit.

I wish my vision was as good as it was 2 years ago...

I guess hindsight is 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish I had a Google brain...

Instead of a Microsoft penis.

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I wish for more..

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor–

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

A man finds a magic lantern on the beach

A genie comes out and says "I will grand you three wishes, but I'm a different type of genie, I need you to know whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

The guy is kind of amazed the genie knows about his ex-wife, but he goes ahead and starts making wishes.

"I wish I had ...

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I wish the Force was real.

If I'm gonna remain a virgin, might as well have cool powers and a laser sword.

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I wish I was more laid back....

But, I'm not that way inclined.

I wish I could do that

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals. The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”

The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

As a paraplegic I wish the wheelchair jokes would stop

I can't stand them

I wish I had an electric car like a Tesla...

...so I'm pretty Madagascar is all I can afford.

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person.

But then I laugh and continue my day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish people would be more appreciative of me making them breakfast in bed.

None of this “who the fuck are you” and “get out of my house” nonsense

What do I wish this sub had less of?

Bread.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall....

“I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’”

— Demetri Martin

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I wish my wife would use her hands a bit more whenever we have sex.

She wouldn't get so many carpet burns on her face.

I wish death was a woman

That way it doesn't come for me

I wish I had HIV

So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

Motivational speakers: Say "I will" instead of "I wish"

Me: I will my parents loved me

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women.

Women always offer a 0% interest rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

I wish i knew where i saw myself tomorrow

Sadly I’m completely blind

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