UPJOKE

I Was Thinking Jokes

I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

I was thinking about starting my own bakery...

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

I was thinking about creating glass coffins… will they be popular?

Remains to be seen……

I was thinking that the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

It turned out to be the refrigerator!

I was thinking of dressing up as a Band-Aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.

It would be really hard to pull off.

I was thinking

I was thinking about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

Dad I was thinking

Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning.

I was thinking of making a chemistry joke

But I was unable to find a base

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was thinking about getting a mule

But I’ve heard they do a half ass job

I was thinking of making a Groundhog Day style movie with Keanu Reeves as a teenager

Working title is john constant teen

I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…

… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.

I was thinking about buying a blindfold, but decided not to

I just couldn't see myself wearing it

I was thinking about procrastinating today.

But I think I’ll do it tomorrow

I was thinking of telling you my best pizza joke...

But it's way too cheesy.

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I was lying in bed, gazing up at the stars and I was thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?!

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

I was thinking about having some kids

But I’ll probably just order a pizza

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was thinking the other day, why don't they just put advertisements on the Hulk?

Essentially hes just a giant Banner.

I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

I told my psychologist I was thinking about killing myself.

He said, "How can I help?"

I was thinking of becoming a banker ...

But I lost interest

I was thinking of running a marathon

But I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

I told my wife I was thinking about getting a side-piece.

She slapped me before hearing me out.

She calmed down when I told her that a side piece of land was available and I was thinking about buying that.

And then I am planning to move my mistress to that place.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die...

Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?

I was thinking about watching a romantic movie with my girlfriend tonight,

can anybody suggest me a good girlfriend? :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me two mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

I was thinking of making puns about grain...

But most people can *barley* stand it.



Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry

I was thinking of having a poltergeist as a pet..

Now it's one of my worst Pet Peeves


(Harry Potter reference)

I was thinking about going to get a haircut after everything dies down.

But I don’t know anymore...

It’s growing on me

I was thinking about the man who invented the hand sanitizer gel

He must be rubbing his hands together.

I was thinking about getting flame tattoos on my wrists, going up.

Then I realized I could never be a teacher.




No firearms allowed in school.

I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

I was thinking about you today...

Just wondering where I'm going to hide your body.

I was thinking of opening up a new business...

For teenage abortions called:
Little miss conceptions

I was thinking of writing a time travel story about some who....

...travels into the future to read tomorrow's funniest joke then travels back two days to post it first!

Then I realised its not so much a story as a documentary.

I was thinking of getting a brain transplant

I changed my mind

I was thinking of you today. I even made a sculpture of you.....

Then I flushed the toilet.

I was thinking of buying the black iPad mini..

Apparently, it runs faster.

I was thinking about getting into the business of homeopathy.

But the market was too diluted.

I was thinking about getting rid of my schizophrenia...

...but now I'm having second thoughts.

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

You know I was thinking about not getting fat,

But I really had a lot on my plate at the time..

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

I was thinking of getting myself Cryogenically frozen

but now I have cold feet

I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor...

Then I thought of all the training.

I was thinking of inventing some chilli flavoured sun cream.

But for now I've put it on the back burner.

I was thinking about donating some money to my local hospital...

But then I realized they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

I was thinking about Billy Mays the other day...

I decided he's in heaven partying like it's nineteen ninety-nine ^(plus shipping and handling.)

For the upcoming holiday season, I was thinking of making my parents the same thing I do every year.

I make them disappointed.

I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She’s an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she’s a little out of my league.

I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ...

... but that's so much work.

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.