UPJOKE

I Used To Date Jokes

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

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I used to date a twin

People would ask me alll the time, "how do you tell them apart?" And I'd reply, "Well it's simple you see, Jill would always paint her nails blue, and john had a cock."

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I used to date a girl called Sue Denim....

Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

I used to date a dentist.

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

I used to date this German woman named Vera

Now, I make a lot of puns, and Vera always hated them and sighed annoyedly at them. Every pun I made: sigh sigh sigh.

We used to get into fights about it. Big, trench-warfare fights: I wanted her to stop sighing in exasperation, and she wanted me to stop making bad puns.

Eventually we ...

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair

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I used to date a hoarder...

... and she broke up with me.
That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

I thought I was pretty lucky… I used to date two girls Kate & Edith at the same time.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It turns out you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.

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[NSFW] I used to date a German girl....

I used to date a German girl who liked to rate my sexual performance out of 10. Well one night I flipped her over and started to fuck her ass! She must have loved it because all the way through she was screaming nine nine nine!

I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

I used to date a tennis player...

But love meant nothing to her.

I used to date a dyslexic woman.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

I used to date someone from Albania, Viet Nam, Turkey, Morocco, Trinidad and Tobago, Russia, Tennessee, Tunisia, and China

Too many red flags

I used to date a baker

Had to bread up with her, she was too kneady and only in it for the dough.

I used to date Rick Astley.

I guess you could say that we’re no strangers to love.

I used to date an electrician...

Boy, she could really light up a room!

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

I used to date a homeless woman

It was great! After our date I could drop her off anywhere :)

I used to date a native Alaskan...

... but she didn't really seem to be that Inuit.

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I used to date a girl that had her breasts on her back.

She wasn’t much to look at, but she was really fun to slow dance with.

I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i'm with Clara.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

I used to date a girl named Miranda Wrights.

It seemed like everything I said to her, she would use it against me!

I used to date computer programs but that's over now

My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "

I used to date a periodicals librarian…

…but we broke up because she had too many issues.

I used to date this pirate chiropractor...

.. but I broke up with her because she was holding me back.

So I used to date this graphic designer...

We broke up because I caught her cheating. Writing hundreds of letters to some guy named Lorem Ipsum. What a creep, right?

I used to date a Bricklayers daughter..

Cement the world to me.

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I used to date a Möbius stripper...

...I broke up with her when I found out that she would never stop.

I used to date a hot 95 pound gymnast with ADD

I just realized she may be the best fidget spinner I'll ever get to play with...

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I used to date a twin a few years back. People would ask me how I could tell the difference between the two.

It was in fact quite easy. There were subtle but notable differences. For example my gf had a small birthmark right below her left ear on her neck and she always painted her nails a ruby shade.

Her brother Dave had a cock.

I used to date a girl that liked it in the ear.

Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she turned her head.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

I used to date a girl whose could text unbelievably fast. Her fingers moved like lightning! But then she ran away and stole my old Jaguar

I wish you could have seen my X Type

I used to date a girl obsessed with carpentry. Finally I said, “You have to choose. It’s me or the equipment!”

She chose the ladder.

I used to date a chick liked it when I made her angry while we were in bed.

She was into hardcore scorn.

The Age Factor

(Taken from Reader's Digest Year:1998)

Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognised the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I...

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In elderly man and his wife are on their way to Florida for vacation.

He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio"....

Short Math joke

I used to date a girl named hypotenuse, a while back. But then she dumped me for some dude named cosine. Now she's my x.

Dating Joke

I used to date a girl who wore a patch over her eye. One day when we were together, she said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twin jokes

I used to date an identical twin in college. The best part of it was that there were pretty much two of them due to the fact they looked exactly alike. My friends and family would joke and tease me all the time about how I can tell either of them apart. Never mind the beauty of my girlfriend at the ...

An old couple driving are pulled over by a state trooper...

The state trooper asks the old woman, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies, "what?"

The husband sitting next to her says , "he said do you have any idea how fast you were going?" to whi...

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