UPJOKE

I Used To Be Jokes

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.

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I used to be a traveling salesman.

One day when I solicited a home a young child answered the door. He was wearing pantyhose, a far too big housecoat, and nothing else. He held a lit cigarette in one hand and I could see an open bottle of whiskey on the table of the foyer.
I asked him "Are your parents home?"
After a long drag ...

Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

I used to be addicted to soap....

I'm clean now.

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I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

I used to be a baker...

...but I couldn't make enough dough.

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

I used to be an executioner at the gallows but I got fired

I could never get the hang of it

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

I used to be in a reggae band once. I played the triangle.

I ended up leaving though, it was just one ting after another.

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I used to be addicted to Viagra…

… hardest time of my life!

I used to be a TERRIBLE procrastinator

Now I'm great at it, I get zero things done.

I used to be a theatrical electrician

We had a joke that went:

How tall is an electrician?
Beats me, I never saw one stand up.

I used to be a forklift operator

…but there were way too many ups and downs for me.

So I got a job for a while resurfacing ice rinks, although I never really warmed to it.

I got some work fixing clocks that were running slowly, but I found the hours were just too long.

And when I tried my hand at being a baker...

I used to be a programmer for autocorrect

They fried me for no raisin

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But then I turned myself around

I used to be a banker...

But I lost interest.

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

I used to be in a band called Pangea…

but then we drifted apart and split up

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I used to be a boob doctor (yes that is the technical term)…

There were a lot of good times and a lot of bad times


A lot of ups and downs



But over all, I’m thankful for all the mammaries

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I used to be a necrophiliac

but the rotten bitch split on me.

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For t...

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

I used to be in a band called The Prevention

We were better then The Cure, but nobody came to see us.

"I used to be a Christian"

The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?"
The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"

My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian"

"That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me"

"Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina"

I used to be a millionaire

But i learned money laundering isn't putting all your money in the laundry machine.

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

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I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be scared of pedophiles

Then I grew up.

I used to be against organ transplants.

But then I had a change of heart.

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

I used to be a dyslexic insomniac agnostic...

I lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be addicted to masturbating

I overcame so much

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

I used to be sober

worst hour of my life

I used to be constantly chased by women.

Then I stopped stealing purses.

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

I used to be shallow and only go for 8's and 9's

But then my friend told me they should at least be 18

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be an asshole but I've moved forward.

Now I'm a cunt.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies…

now i’m a human body in a separate cell

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

I used to be young and stupid.

But now I got older.

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

I used to be a spacecraft engineer.

My efforts were all for naut.

I used to be embarrassed by my geology fetish.

I started off stroking gravel but now I'm feeling a little boulder.

I used to be good at improvisation...

But now I just make it up as I go along.

I used to be worried about 2020, but now I'm worried about 2022

Because 2022 is 2020 too

I used to be a ventriloquist, until I lost my dummy.

Now I'm just a schizophrenic.

I used to be a geologist

It was a boring job

I used to be a tile guy......

It was a lot of trowel and error.

I used to be a halogen

Then I took a proton to the Ne.

I used to be an anti-vaxxer...

I changed my mind after mommy and daddy helped me overcome my fear of needles

I used to be a arrogant narcissist

Now I'm just perfect.

I used to be a French cheese nut

But now I camembert it any longer

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

I used to be a painter but I could never stop crying...

The work was just so emulsional

I used to be New Age....

....now I'm just old age

(There's a joke there somewhere- I just need to write it)

I used to be an Indian giver...

I take that back, I still am.

I used to be good at operating a boomerang.

It was difficult to re-learn a childhood hobby...

*but then it came back*

I used to be an adventurer until I went to Antarctica

Thats when things went south

I used to be a personal driver in France

But now I have nothing to chauffeur it...

I used to be in a band named "fizzy tablet"

But we dissolved pretty quickly.

I used to be depressed and miserable...

But this year I think I really turned my life around and now I am miserable and depressed

I used to be a rubbish collector.

Now I'm pretty good.

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

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