UPJOKE

I Thought Jokes

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

I thought up this fibonacci joke ..

But it's worse than my last two combined

I thought of a joke about capitalism.

But not all of you would get it.

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First time I had sex I thought

'Mmm, this feels expensive'

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

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Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees tribute concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face.

Now I'm in Geneva.

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

I thought Oppenheimer was a theoretical physicist.

Turns out he actually existed.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

My brother compared religion to ghosts, which I thought was quite disrespectful.

Ghosts never started a war.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I thought my friends would be mad that I had a secret second wife.

Instead, they all said that it was big of me to do that.

(Thanks, Groucho.)

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

I thought I forgot how to use a boomerang

But it’s all coming back to me now.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought.....

“I can’t turn that down.”

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

I thought I was world's best lover

Until i found out my wife has asthma.

"Sam...I thought you were a little crazy when you said you invented Plexiglas underwear, but now that you're wearing them..."

"...I can clearly see your nuts..."

I thought I would never understand angles.

But then I did a complete 360.

I thought of an inflation joke the other day

It's not as funny today

When I was a kid I thought that being empty inside was a bad thing.

But then I grew up and learned about constipation!

My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

I thought that my pet alligator was going to eat me!

Turns out he was just pulling my leg

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

I thought digging tunnels would be exciting…

Turns out it’s boring

So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

As I rolled the bowling ball down the lane I thought to myself...

Please hit a few of those cyclists

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

I thought about posting this joke about mirrors

but I just can't see myself telling it

Lady: I thought you don't give tickets to pretty girls.

Cop: We don't. Sign here.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

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Saw a kid riding a bike today that I thought was mine

I checked my basement and sure enough he was still in there.

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you

I'd start thinking about you.

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

I thought i heard Bilbo speak to Frodo

Turns out they were just Tolkien

At first, I thought Chiropractors are a scam ...

but now, I stand corrected.

I thought I'd bought a couple wildebeests

But alas - fake gnus

I saw an add in the paper for a job at a mirror factory and I thought...

...now that's something I could see myself doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I had no interest in sex until I met a Canadian woman...

Turns out I'm Eh?sexual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I picked a mushroom that smelled like poop

Turns out it was just toad stool

My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok

Wookie mistake.

I thought life couldn’t get any worse after I hit rock bottom

Until rock bottom’s dad turned up and started hitting me back…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crappy joke I thought up.

What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?

Four old times sake.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

When he told me he was like Jesus in the sheets, I thought he was going to bring me to heaven...

Turns out it was more like "Behold, I come quickly"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I thought girls didn't poop

Now I realize they're all full of shit

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

I thought our family was a Dad-tatership…

My wife now informs me it is in fact a Mom-archy.

I thought about joining the Navy to be on a submarine...

But I changed my mind, I had a sinking feeling about that career path....

I took the shell off of my pet snail because I thought it would make him move faster

...if anything, it made him more sluggish

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

I thought I had a new joke about fencing

But it was a riposte

I was watching Jurassic Park yesterday when I thought.....

"not only does my son have a stupid name, he's also a terrible driver".

I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday

But it was only an optical Aleutian

Last night I thought I was being attacked by a shark

Don’t worry, it was only a bream

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners

>!But she just screamed after I opened the airplane door....!<

My whole life I thought grandpa was at D-Day

It turns out he just had a stutter.

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about my wife

I would probably think about her a lot more

I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

It’s really hard to pull it off.

The other day I thought, wow, the brain sure is a nifty organ!

Then I thought, hang on – which organ was it that put that thought into my mind again?

I thought about running for president

But I figured he should do his own exercise.

A joke I thought of this morning.

Q. What's the only vegetable you can inflate?


A. A Pump-kin

I thought I liked spheres

then I realized they're pointless.

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.

Turns out it was just another dad choke.

I got a boot on my car for what I thought were just average parking tickets.

As it turns out, they were outstanding.

My girlfriend just yelled at me: "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought,

"Wow. What a weird way to start a conversation."

I thought I missed my cake day

batter late than never!

All my life i thought air was free

Until i bought a bag of chips

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

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