UPJOKE

I Say Jokes

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do I say now?

One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.



The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some religious stories.”



“Well, come on in,” says the homeowner. He takes the stranger to...

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

Wife: You only listen to half of what I say.

Husband: I have tinnitus. Half of what I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The other half is tinnitus



note: she begrudgingly laughed at this one and we are still together.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

When I’m in front of Hispanic people I say “mucho”

It means a lot to them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Even when I fuck up, I never say I'm sorry.

I say that I'm safe instead. I've heard it's better.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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