UPJOKE

I Saw Jokes

I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

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I saw a butt plug on the street today..

Some asshole must've dropped it.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

I saw my son smoking a cigarette.

I said, "What are you doing, lad?"

He said, "I'm smoking, of course. What does it look like?"

"One cigarette takes seven minutes off your life," I informed him.

"Yeah. And what!?" he asked arrogantly.

"Here," I added, "have my packet."

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it

Now he lives in a flat

I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall

It was a little condescending

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

I saw a robbery happen at the Apple store.

I was an iWitness

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

I saw a elderly woman in Walmart crying

She told me she had lost all her money for groceries. I felt bad for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found laying in the parking lot.

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the newspaper.

So I entered my sister.

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

I saw an ad selling Russian rifles online.

Never been fired and only dropped once!

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

I saw a sketchy looking guy walking on the street with six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

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Great Vampire joke I saw on here before.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.



The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "...

I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

I came, I saw, I died

or as we say in Latin:

Veni, Vidi, Avicii.

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote

I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I saw this poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself.

I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than $1.50 in her wallet.

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I tried to share a hot dog with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me, “Fuck off! Get your own.”

When I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone wanted to be my friend.

Then I saw the next two letters.

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Beware of the idiot that's behind me."

I decided to follow him until I could figure out who the idiot was!

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

I saw a man chased by a dog.

They were running around a big fountain. I told the man to hurry up because the dog is very close.

The man replied confidently: "Don't worry, I'm 2 laps ahead"

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

I saw a group of cows playing poker and smoking Marijuana

It was really high steaks

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fig...

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

I saw a woman driving with her hazards on.

And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

I saw this cute homeless girl on the street..

..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

I saw Han Solo crying while eating his beef.

Later I asked why. He said it was chewy.

I saw an adopted kid on the street

I walk up to him and ask him "Are you adopted?"
He replies "Yes, I am what gave me away"
I responded "Your parents"

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

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As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree

He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”.

I replied “Fuck Off!” and took a swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

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I Saw a Scarecrow Trying To Have a Wank

Turns out he was just clutching at straws.

I saw a woman crying on a bench.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "Sit next to me, and I'll tell you." So I sat, and she said, "This bench was just painted."

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My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger’s cat

It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.

I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread!

[cetacean kneaded]

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

I saw a lizard

and it became a spotted lizard

I saw Missy Elliott running a yellow vegetable stand. But I think she was struggling for customers.

She kept yelling "Get your free corn!"

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

Today I saw someone waving but I ...

Today I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I'm a terrible lifeguard.

___


xpost- r/sickipedia

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

I saw a posting for a local scat group and decided to check them out

It was clear the moment I walked in the door I had made a mistake, but never being one against new experiences I pulled out a stool and joined them

I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device.

So I modem down.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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I saw a pirate on the street the other day

"Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?"

"Aye, I be a pirate."

"Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?"

"It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off."

"Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?"

"During the mutiny...

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.

That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel.

He came around slowly.

i saw a guy today who looked sort of hot, but when i got closer i realized he was homeless and i was turned off

i never knew i was such a bigot, but in that moment, i realized i'm nohomophobic.

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The other day I saw Denzel Washington walking down the street.

I shouted to him ,"Hey Denzel!" He responded, "Does every black man look like Denzel Washington to you?"

Classic Denzel.

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding some birds

I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

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