UPJOKE

I Need Your Help Jokes

Jokes i need your help

I'm on a road trip with a co-worker who hates corny, punny, cheesy and one liner type jokes. I love telling him those sorts of jokes trying to get him to laugh.

I had an idea. If you fine people hit me with some of your favorites, I'll spend the next two days telling him jokes and tell you wh...

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Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: How‘s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife,

she told me that I'm right,

what do I do next?

Joke tellers, I need your help! Writing a salutatorian speech, and I want it to be kind of funny.

I'm not entirely humorous, but I do only have a limited amount of time to do this in. I need some jokes about graduation that will get the crowd laughing somewhat. Nothing too dirty, etc., but humor is necessary. Sorry if this isn't the right place for this, thank you!

My cat went missing, so I photocopied a bunch of pictures of her, and I need your help

I've been told r/jokes is the best sub for posting copies.

Boy: *calls 911* "Hello? I need your help!" 911: "Alright, What is it?"

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

My dog ran away, and I made a bunch of flyers I need to post. I need your help r/jokes

I've been told no one reposts more than you guys.

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

"Doc I need your help! My brother's crazy he thinks he's a chicken!"

Shocked, the doctor says "Why don't you turn him in?"

"I would but I need the eggs!"

A man runs into a doctor's office, shouting "Doc, I need your help!"

The doctor asks what's wrong, the guy says "I think I'm a moth".

The doctor says "Sir, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

On a mission from my grandma and I need your help!

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t...

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One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom" The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So what did the doctor...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

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/r/jokes, I need your help to win a woman, please! (sorry this isn't a joke post)

I am going on a first date with a girl whom I ***really*** like and she loves humor and to laugh, and I NEED TO KNOW some serious gut buster jokes. I don't care if they're dirty or sexual or furthermore offensive in nature. Please, just lay your best stuff on me in the comments.

Not looking ...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

Hey girl are you proficient in Excel?

Cause I need your help spreadin’ some sheets.

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

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Shit, Fuck and Manners were walking down the road

Shit falls down a hole.

Fuck runs to get help.

Eventually finds a policeman.

Fuck: I need your help quick!

Officer: Calm down, what’s your name?

Fuck: Fuck

Officer: Where are your manners?!

Fuck: Down the road picking shit up...

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After a night at a singles bar, a man in his late 60's chats up two girls in their 20's, and talks them into a three way at his place the following evening (NSFW)

The next day, the pressure of satisfying two, substantially younger women begins to weigh on him. He goes to local pharmacy, and after some discussion, the old playboy heads home with a box of viagra.



The next day, he returns.

"I think I need your help again" he says to the ph...

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A young inexperienced man goes to work on a farm…

…first day the farmer is showing him around the farm and explains his duties and a special job to do today.
“Go out to the chicken coop and get me a male and a female “ says the farmer. The boy goes and brings back two chickens. “I got a chicken and the rooster” says the boy.
The farmer corr...

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A guy call the reception desk at the hotel where he is staying.

The receptionist answer and the man calmly says: please I need your help, my wife wants to jump out the window from the 10th floor. The receptionist says: It is late in the night sir and There is only me and a maintenance guy in the building, no one can help you. Besides it is a personal matter, I t...

A blonde calls her husband who is at work

"Honey, I need your help. I just bought a puzzle at walmart and I really don't know how to solve it. It's so hard that I can't even combine two pieces."

"That's annoying my love. Does the box say how many pieces it has?"

"No, it doesn't say."

"Is there at least a picture of the ...

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A man calls his lawyer.

Man: "I need your help. My wife noticed something on my penis and suggested I call you."

Lawyer: "I think you meant to call your doctor."

Man: "It was my secretary."

A fierce tornado rips through the field

A man runs for his life but gets to the edge of a river. He sees another man standing on the other side.

He shouts to the other man "I need your help to get to the other side, buddy!"

The other man looks around and responds, "You are on the other side, friend!"

The tornado catch...

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty

The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!"

The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?"

The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key."

The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out t...

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