UPJOKE

I Lost My Job Jokes

So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Me: Hey Siri, I lost my Job.

Siri: That's bad, do you want me to tell a joke to cheer you up?
Me: Sure, go ahead.
Siri: What's the difference between a You and Large Pizza?
Me: Idk
Siri: A large pizza can feed a family.

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.

She sniffed, and said "more volume."

#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

I lost my job as a wine taster.

I was fired for not drinking on the job.

I lost my job as a Zookeeper

I don't think that was fair ... There were signs all over saying "Do not feed the animals"

So I didn't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job and was forced to become a sex worker

Now I have to rub Peter to pay Paul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I lost my job

Boss “Why the fuck did you sleep with her”

Me “Well she was just lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?”

Boss “A fucking autopsy”

Me “Oh right”

Boss “You are never welcome in this fucking vet again!”

Me “oh fuck you”

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

I lost my job at the keyboard factory last week.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I lost my job as an electrician.

They said that I re-fused too much work.

I lost my job...

I prayed to God for a lottery win.
I got behind on my rent,
I pleaded to God for a lottery win.
I got evicted,
I went to church and begged God for a lottery win.
Suddenly, in the church, God appeared to me.
He said, Dave! Meet me half way and buy a bloody ticket.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

I lost my job because I kept eating directly from the fridge

Don’t they know how hard it is to find a Morgue currently hiring?

I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I lost my job, my wife, my apartment. But I didn't care.

I just kept on skipping through the meadows, cavorting in the fields. My gamboling addiction was out of control.

I lost my job performing circumcisions

I just couldn't cut it.

I lost my job at the M&M factory.

I kept throwing out the w's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my job as a teacher for swearing.

People need to understand that's it a common thing to do during sex.

I lost my job as an event planner at a nursing home today...

Apparently “Get down before being put down” is not an acceptable name for a dance event.

I’m not sure why I lost my job as a CIA interrogator.

Didn’t think to ask.

I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

I lost my job as a waiter

Apparently, I had insulted an infamous mafia boss by taking away his plate.

He told me he was Don

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##

## I don't want to make a scene.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend...

I do miss him.

A man was having a bad day...

A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.

A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.

The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.

The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

I used to say 'Only the sky is the limit'

Guess that's why I lost my job at NASA.

I saw a woman waving at me yesterday, but I wasn’t too sure.

Anyways, onto more tragic news, I lost my job as a lifeguard.

Today was a bad day

My ex got hit by a car and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Kindness

A blind old lady gets on a bus. All the seats are taken. An old man sees how nobody is willing to give up their seat for her. After a bit of hesitation, he gets up, takes her by the hand, and brings her to his seat. As she sits, he looks at the crowd and scowls as the bus leaves the stop.

Lat...

Have you ever eaten something even though you weren’t hungry?

On another note, I lost my job as a Gynecologist today…

A high school music instructor walks into a bar

A high school music instructor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I lost my job today. The superintendent said that I was too controversial," he tells the bartender. "He heard I was making the students read band books."

Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was having sex with a girl from work...

She wasn't really into it, and then to make matters worse my boss walked in on us.

Long story short, I lost my job at the morgue.

Despite removing all the stains....

I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

Yesterday I saw a man about to jump

I said to him "Don't do it"

He responded with "You don't understand I lost my job a few days ago and because of it now everyone hates me"

I said "Don't say such horrible things, We'd hate you even if you were still president"

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

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