UPJOKE

I Hope Jokes

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me.

Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

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I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me.


Edit 1: Thank you so much for the silver!!

Edit 2: 1500+ upvotes holy crap!!!

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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I was walking my dog this morning when this guy shouted at me "I hope you're gonna pick that shit up!"

I just pulled up my pants and ran

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandmother.

And not screaming like the passengers on her bus.

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I hope this isn't a repost:

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together

again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) resp...

I hope that when Bob Barker passes into the great beyond the voice he hears isn't saying...

Come on down

I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.

The Blonde’s father said “I hope you’re not planning to be alone at your boyfriend’s place.”

She said, “Don’t’ be silly. He’ll be there.”

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don’t want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

I hope Prince Charles is okay

Ever since King Charles came into town, I haven’t heard from the Prince at all

My daughter just said," I hope you're going to shave off that mustache before the holiday, it's embarrassing."

I was shocked, as that's the bravest thing anyone has ever said........ TO MY WIFE!!!!.

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

When I get old and become a grandfather, I hope my family calls me pee-paw

Not because I would be grouchy, but because of my urinary incontinence

I hope the guy who invented autocorrect

Burns in Hello.

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Funny joke (i hope so)

Patient: hey doc i take shit every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

i hope it wasnt here already

Putin asks a fairy: Where will I be in april?

The fairy answers: I see you in a limo driving through kiev, the war between Russia and Ukraine has ended, everyone is cheering.

Putin: Am I waving to them?

Fairy: No, the coffin is closed.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing..

... but it's a slippery slope

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I'm sure this is a repost I hope from not too recent

A blonde was shopping and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's ...

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

I hope to be a millionaire, just like my dad.

He hopes to be one too. What did you think?

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

A handsome duck walks into a bar [OC I hope]

The bartender takes one look at the duck and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

The duck asks “Why not?”

“Because you have an outstanding bill.”

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

I hope someone remembers

To wake Billie Joe Armstrong up today

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people

Like I am now

(Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts)

Here's a joke I translated from Polish. I hope it works in English too.

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

I hope this translate well from Spanish

Why do police cars have a bathtub on the top?

So they can carry the sirens.




.
Sorry

Sorry, mom. I hope dad would feel the same way

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file

cuz I wanna mount you.

I hope someone comes across this distress signal

Damn it, I used the wrong flare

I hope Dr. Dre is doing okay.

I would hate it if he thought that we forgot about him.

I hope you die slowly

And live a long, happy life. :)

I hope that one day, I can turbocharge my car

But that’s just an aspiration

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

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I hope coronavirus can't spread through sex...

I would be lonely to be the only person on the earth...

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So I modified an old joke to make a new one. I hope this wasn't made before.

Wife: What happened? Why do you look so worried?

Husband: My boss fired me.

Wife: Why? Didn't you visit his house to hand him some important files?

Husband: Yeah, I went to his home, and he fired me because he caught me putting my dick in the dishwasher.

Wife: (laughingl...

I hope this Pandemic never ends

I've been getting so many more dates recently with this mask.

I hope Donald Trump has a foot fetish.

He has to get used to the taste of defeet.

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

I hope no one comes to my party

This way I can have my cake... and eat it too!

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it

Naked and screaming in the back of a Trans Am

I told my son, "Son, I'm so proud of you and everything you have accomplished. I hope some day you will have children of your own." ... to which he replied:

"I hope you will too dad"

I hope you understand this

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak.

Con-

Okay now you say control freak who

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

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I hope Jeb Bush wins the primaries

Then takes Dick Cheney as his running mate. There campaign slogan would be "same dick, new bush."

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I hope your butt has a license

Because just looking at it is driving me nuts

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

I hope I remember everything that happens next year

So that in 2021, I can say that hindsight is 2020!

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I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have sex all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with t...

I hope you're into BDSM

Cuz my humor is pure pun-ishment

I hope this virus doesn't spread to Antarctica...

I heard the local populous couldn't fly out of there even if they wanted to.

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I smoked my first pork shoulder this weekend. I hope I'm saying that right.

"I finally popped my butt cherry" means something else, apparently.

Every New Year: I hope you change.

Every birthday: I hope you never change.

*internal confusion intensifies*

I hope Terry Fox's cross country treks in the Marathon of Hope was an inspiration to all

not to skip-leg day.

I made up the joke so I hope it’s original!

I asked the local clown, in front of my wife,if he’s been sleeping with all the women on my street.
He pointed at her and said “Jester”
Didn’t know my wife was a clown too.

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I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

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I hope I die alone.

I mean, you'd have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

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I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...

"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I hope that blew your minds.

I hope Planet Fitness really is a judgement free zone

Gonna be taking my dumps there for the next couple weeks.

I hope y'all have a beautiful morning

wood

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

I hope college lives up to the hype

All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun

I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

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I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one.

Hey did you hear about Jim?

No, Why?

I heard his septic burst.

Oh I see...

Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen...

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

This is my favourite joke I made, I hope no-one else has thought about it

Q. How do you get an old English woman to say "f**k"


A. Get someone else to shout "bingo!"


Some will get it, some will be offended. Most won't get it

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal because...

Everyone who searches for actual news on Elongate will only get 50 pages of a reposted joke from Reddit.

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

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I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

I hope I never go to jail.

I haven’t memorised a phone number since 1999.

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

I hope this is a good place for my (admiralble) monstrosity.

I was once an admiral, but only fleetingly. One of my captains only stayed at the back of his ship, he was so stern. Another decorated the front of his with bow-ties. The ship of the third somehow shrunk to his size and cap-sized. Eventually they a-mast some followers and threw me overboard - a rudd...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

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