UPJOKE

I Feel Bad Jokes

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for chefs.

They work so hard but everything they make turns to shit.

I feel bad for people who have to take drugs to go crazy.

Whenever I wanna go crazy I just stop taking mine.

If you're having tuning problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

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I feel bad for porn stars…

They don’t get AC, only fans

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday

He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
“F*ck me”

I feel bad for tests

They are always cheated on

I feel bad for Schrodinger's cat

But at the same time I don't

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain.

I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"


He said it was actually a mes.

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

Sometimes, when Mother’s Day comes around, I feel bad for all those test tube babies

…who didn’t have a mother.

But then I remember they got a womb with a view.

I feel bad for boiling water

It will be Mist.

I feel bad for the jokers that don't get this reference.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apitydef

Apitydef who?

Ok there, Mr. T.

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

I feel bad for Anne Frank

She had her diary published for all the world to read, which is every girl's worst nightmare!

And she didn't get paid for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.

I feel bad for eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers that were in the fridge...

but it's hard to quit cold turkey.

I feel bad for blonde people

There are tons of jokes about blonde people being idiots. And they're too stupid to get how hilarious they are

I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.

These days she just goes through the motions.

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I feel bad for the dog

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using a new medical computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem an...

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I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water..

And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for that guy from Dirty Jobs

He’s got a Mike Rowe penis

I feel bad for people who have asthma

Because out of all the things you could be bad at, you suck at breathing.

I feel bad for Sacha Baron Cohen. People rave about his performances in Borat and Da Ali G Show…

… but We Don’t Talk About Bruno.

I feel bad for eggs.

They only get laid once, they only get smashed once and the only chick who ever sits on their face is their mother.

I feel bad for the guy with a stutter who died in prison...

He didn’t even finish his sentence

I feel bad for all the kids of anti-vaxxers...

They just won’t have a shot in life.

I feel bad for highways that have to go through mountains

Many of them suffer from carpool tunnel syndrome.

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

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I feel bad for Kylie Jenner...

It must be rough knowing your dad has a tighter pussy than you.

I feel bad for sick apple trees

Cause doctors can't go anywhere near them

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

I feel bad for the people who had a bread making business is Rome back then...

Because now their business is toast

I feel bad for my mail man and hope he finds a boyfriend soon

He doesn't seem too picky or anything, he's just looking for any outgoing male.

I feel bad for all the home burglars that are losing their jobs this month

Everyone is home

I feel bad for all the people eating Tide pods.

They haven't figured out that Cascade actionpacs taste way better.

I feel bad for old buildings that are about to get torn down.

They’re working asbestos they can :(

I hit Chewbacca with my car, and killed him. I feel bad, but I didn't want the meat to go to waste, so I cooked it.

It was chewy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for men with erectile disfunction, but they all seem to be handling it well.

It's like all of them literally can't give a fuck.

On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand

...well that hand is busy.

My girlfriend of 2 years just told me her ex used to beat her really badly, and she never told me b/c it's really painful for her to talk about. I feel bad I didn't figure it out sooner.

I always thought she just really hated high fives.

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Gran...

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