UPJOKE

I Don't Know Jokes

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

I don't know what HD is,

But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

My friend told me I don't know what irony is...

Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

I don't know much about psychology or sociology

But I reckon I can explain the Dunning-Kruger effect better than anyone else.

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

I don't know why people say that quiting smoking is hard.

I've must have done it a few dozen times by now.

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

I don't know why people are afraid of flying

Most crashes happen at ground level

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I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

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I don't know why people think homosexuality is contagious

If it was I'd definitely have caught it by now, after having sex with so many men

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I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

I don't know what "procrastinate" means.

I think I'll look it up later.

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My therapist told me that it takes strength to say "I don't know".

My wife didn't think I was very strong when she asked me where our son was in the park...

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I don't know why more people weren't suspicious of the Nazi Party from the beginning.

They literally had so many red flags.

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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president.

But at least there won't be a world war 3.

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It's not that I don't know how to juggle

I just don't have the balls to do it

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak

They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.

I don't know about you guys...

But having typo blood feels like a mistake.

I don't know how my wife figured out I was into some kinky stuff...

But she had me pegged from the start.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

There are two letters of the alphabet that I don't know

I don't know u and I don't know y

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I don't know who Lana is...

But I borrowed her thermometer and it tastes like shit.

I don't know if liqour is the answer

But it's worth a shot

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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I don't know why I was fired at the Viagra factory

The surveillance video showed me hard at work.

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So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex...

Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart.

Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So, what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with...

I don't know if this has been posted before or not but it's my favorite joke.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

I don't know what to do with all my extra counter space in my bathroom!

Guess I'll go get a girlfriend.

I don't know why I love bad puns so much.

It's just how eye roll.

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I don't know why everyone got so upset today when a bird stole my sandwich.

All I said was, "Fuck you, crane!"

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control.

Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard

I don't know why the burqa gets such a bad rep.



I've never seen a woman wearing one before.

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I don't know why people keep asking if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is gay.

They have a strict "Don't Ask Donatello" policy

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"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of...

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

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I said to my wife, "I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going !"

She said, "By the look on your face you're going.
Because when you're coming, you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle."

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.

I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

I don't know which is scarier....

A clown who rummages through the garbage cans at 3am or my neighbor who watches me doing it.

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

Me: Tell me something that I don't know.

Sister: A few years ago, an adoption agency said that you will be a smart kid.

Me: well, I am smart.

(After a few minutes) me: wait... what?

I don't know.

So, there are three people living in a forest. There's a smart person, a person with average smarts, and an idiot. The smart person goes out and brings back a bear. The others ask him how he did it. He replies back with, "I find the tracks. I follow the tracks. I kill the bear." The next day, the pe...

I don't know why people hate Communism; In fact, I wrote a nice poem about it!

*H*appiness all around
*E*veryone is free
*L*ove fills the air
*P*eople are unbound

*M*aybe you should consider
*E*quality for All

If you want to know more, just send a letter to me. If I don't reply soon, I might be away *intermittent*ly on a nice *camp*ing trip ...

I don't know about ya'll...

But I think that incest is best kept in the family.

If you're offended by this joke, I understand. It's a touchy subject.

It also gives a new meaning to "family fun time."

I'm sure that wasn't what dad meant when he said "come here, son."

My sister told me I'm better i...

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

I don't know how to act my age

I've never been this old before.

I don't know why everybody is mad at Cyberpunk2077

The release date has always been in the title....

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I don't know how to feel about elevator jokes

They really push my buttons...

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

I don't know why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

I don't know why people doubt the Pfizer vaccine...

...their magic blue pills work!

...so I've heard...

I have a joke and I don't know if it translates well in all cultures, so let me break it down into bits.

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Tell me something I don't know.

My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight."

Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are ta...

I keep hearing about Occam's razor, but i don't know what it is.

Most likely, it's a razor owned by someone named Occam.

I don't know why people don't like the mummy movies...

I think they get a bad wrap

I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work

The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.

It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

I don't know who Cole is..

But he's my favorite law maker.

I just watched groundhog day for the first time but I don't know how I feel about it.

The story felt very repetitive

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

I don't know why they say cancer is so hard to beat.

I'm already on Stage 4.

If this doesn't make you groan I don't know what will...

With 2nd lockdown looming in the UK, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying

I don't know who needs to hear this

but I'm not going to read it out loud

I don't know what to

I can't see an end.

I have no control and I don't think there's any escape

I don't even have a home anymore.


Definitely time for a new keyboard.

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

I don't know man, seems like you should just die

All my life: Be productive or die

Life right now: Be unproductive or die

Me: What to do?

Government: I don't know man, seems like you should just die

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

I don't know who won the battle of the bands but I know who lost

The audience

I hate when people say I don't know any good movies.

Of course I dont, did you meet any?

I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

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I don't know what trickle down economics is...

But I know when I'm getting pissed on.

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

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This happened in a country town, I don't know which state, but it was a very traditional community.

There were two boys, friends Johnny and Jesus, walking through the little town when they spotted a guava tree near the church. Johnny decided to climb the tree to get some guavas, and left his slipper with Jesus to make sure that no adult came. After about 10 minutes, Jesus remembered that he had an...

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you"

Like they never heard of money.

I don't know who started the Notre Dame fire

But I've got a hunch.

I don't know why my painting career never took off

Doctors always told me I was on the artistic spectrum.

I don't know why people are surprised when I tell them my Grandfather Made it out of Auschwitz.

Most of the German officers did.

I just got fired from the calendar factory and I don't know why...

All I did was take a day off

I don't know if I should believe the reports that Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

It might be fake news.

I don't know about the rest of you, but to me the word "exclusive"...

...means only one thing.

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I don't know what's involved in the training for the Paralympics

But it looks fucking dangerous

I don't know about you guys but I would like a nudist as president,

He clearly has nothing to hide.

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain

but it hurt like hail.

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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

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One liner (maybe nsfw and a repost i don't know)

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

I don't know about you.

But I think satanists can go to hell.

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I don't know what to say.

A beautiful young woman from the countryside wanted to visit the big city but had no way of going there. She spots a young man on a cart being pulled by a donkey and asks for his help.



"I'm sorry, ma'am. The city is just too far away and I can't take you there for free.", he replies.<...

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I don't know why they call them man boobs

I prefer to call mine obesititties

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