UPJOKE

I D Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

I’d tell you to go to hell

but I work there and I don’t wanna see you everyday.

I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three college kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ Steak, and eggs," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks her middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ steak, and eggs for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks her youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a hooker if she’d give me free sex.

She said “I don’t give a fuck.”

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
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My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

I’d tell you some tax jokes.

But I doubt you’d depreciate it.

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