UPJOKE

I Can't Even Jokes

Today my wife said to me, "I can't even".

I said "That's odd".

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

A middle-aged married couple live in a small house on the beach. One afternoon they get into a huge fight. The woman says to the man, "I'm so angry I can't even stand to look at you right now," and hands him a large bucket.

"Go down to the beach and fill that bucket up with snails for tonight's dinner," The woman tells her husband, "and once you've done that maybe I'll be able to stand being around you again."

The man reluctantly agrees and heads down to the beach with the bucket. It takes him several hours, bu...

I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.

Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed.

It's hard to keep track.

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Me: I'm so fat I can't even see my dick

Gf: Then I must be fat too!

I can't even work here anymore after what my boss said today. I'm in disbelief and I'm outraged.

He said I'm fired.

Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...

No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."

OJ got out of jail recently and it sickens me. But I can't even imagine how he feels...

The man that killed his wife is running free

I cant stand this politically correct society much longer. I can't even order coffee anymore.

I used to go to the store and just say "I'll take my coffee black." Now I have to say "I'll take my coffee jeniqua."

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I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

Things have become so politically correct, I can't even fat shame myself without looking over my shoulder.

Which i cant.

I hate hotel towels

So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase

The reason I check my hair and my general appearance so often, is because of this one bad day. I can't even say I remember it, but I am told my hair was a mess, I was covered with unspeakable fluids, had trouble breathing, couldn't even stand, and I cried in front of everyone.

I'm still trying to live down the day I was born.

I'm so down on my luck right now, that I can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out...

Things don't look so bright

Is Google a woman?

I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

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A 25 y.o. goes to her therapist...

Patient: "Doctor, I feel so bad lately, since I got my first raise at work, I can't stop taking cash outta my bank account and then go buy a bunch of useless stuff...

Doctor: "Hmm, can you describe more precisely how you are feeling?"

Patient: "Well, I get such a high when I take the m...

Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

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Guy goes to the doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't even think about getting out of bed without making love to my wife. I pick up my secretary up for a ride to work and she gives me a BJ on the way.

Doc says "Ok."

Guy says, " Around 10 or so, I'll take one of the receptionists into Xerox room and we'll d...

Someone told me I might have Aphantasia.

*Bro, I can't even imagine.*

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

I have such a great memory.

I can't even remember the last time I forgot something.

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I haven't had sex in so long...

I can't even remember who gets tied up.

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

The bear the moose and the wolf.

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"...

Jesus walked on water...

And I can't even stand up on good bourbon.

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.

They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it ...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

Two dyslexics a car

One says to the other "can you smell petrol"? other says "smell it, I can't even smell my own name"

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they say make-up sex is the best sex

But I can't even get my dick in the fucking mascara bottle

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Three pensioners are sitting on a park bench.

Says the first: "Yes, old age! I used to love reading the newspaper, and now I can't even decipher the headlines!
Yes, my eyes, my eyes...!"


Says the second: "And I used to love listening to the radio; now I can't even understand a word at full volume!
Yes, my ears, my ears!“
<...

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Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a youtuber pulled me aside.

He said,

"If you can walk round the park and back to me, I'll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded"

I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly. I replied,

"It was just a ...

Two dyslexic kids

Two dyslexic kids were sitting on a sofa. One asks the other "can you smell gas?" The other replies "Seriously dude? I can't even smell my own name".

I failed math so many times in school

I can't even count.

Self-deprecating humour is the lowest form of entertainment.

And I can't even get *that* right.

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A friend asked me: Do you remember the first time you ever masturbated?

I said "Hell no, I can't even remember the first time I masturbated TODAY"

Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.

Apparently it's my "daughter."

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