UPJOKE

I Bought A Jokes

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle.
But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle.
Now I can w...

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My wife is furious I bought a 12-year-old whiskey.

And the kid's mother tried to get me arrested.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

I bought a chainsaw 10 years ago

it stihl works

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

I bought a new thesaurus today and it’s terrible

Not only is it terrible but it’s also terrible!

I bought a chicken and an egg off Amazon

I'll let you know.

I bought a little bag of air today…

The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

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I bought a fleshlight today

My masturbation has gotten out of hand

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I bought a Russian advent calendar.

Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

I bought a bunch of oranges and spelled "hi" with them.

I was then told that was *not* how you say "HI" in Mandarin....

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I bought an alphabet from a shop, but I only recieved 23 letters.

So I went up asking why and was told that I didn't pay for the dlc.

I bought a horse recently, and I called him mayo.

Mayo neighs.

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I struggled with winter until I bought a snow blower.

It has made my life a thousand times easier. I load it in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says "What the fuck is that"? and that is where I spend the winter.

I bought a speaker and it said “built in bluetooth”…

Where the heck is Bluetooth?

I bought a thesaurus but when I got home I discovered that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

I bought a straight jacket the other day, and I'm starting to regret it.

I thought it would be a good look, but I just can't pull it off.

I bought a £600 wallet

Now I have no use for it

I bought a brand new car and put a cow in it

Yes I beefed it up.

I bought a mayfly's biography.

Chapter 1: The end.

I bought a pair of nunchucks today.

Highly recommended; they've already chucked two annoying nuns away from me.

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

I bought a new "Smart TV"...

>Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother. It will only let me watch Neil deGrasse Tyson space documentaries.

I bought a universal remote the other day

and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. M...

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.


(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

I bought a piano from Connecticut last week but I had to return it.

The middle C was silent.

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I bought a fitbit...

I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today.

I bought a boomerang on Amazon...

...but only because of their 100% return policy.

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I tried explaining to people why I bought a leg of ham through the mail.

But they weren't interested in my post-hock justifications.

I bought a bottle of whiskey at the shops today

I tied it to my bike to take it home, but on the way I realised if i fell off my bike, the bottle would smash. So I stopped, drank the whole bottle and carried on my way.

It’s a good thing I did - I ended up falling off my bike several times!

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I bought a car after reading a review that said, "This car sucks dick."

I was diassapointed to find out it doesn't

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.

It doesn’t. It shits on the floor, after it crosses the road.

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav

Total waste of money, all it ever does it tell me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

I bought a car so old…

People on the street offer to help me cross the road.

I bought a CD at a yard sale for 5 cents...

I listened to it at home and it sucked.


I went back to the yard sale and I said "Give me my nickel back!". They said, "We already did."

I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake

They gave me a sham rock

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

I bought a book called 2,023 Lighthouses

Huge ripoff— there were only 12 in there.

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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

I bought a talking mirror

And I asked "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

And the mirror answers "Move your ass, fatso, I can't see a thing!"

Now I gotta deal with 7 years of bad luck.

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I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swe...

I bought a racehorse today, I called it “My Face”

I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want a bunch of people shouting “Come on my face”

I bought a new boat and it's the best, except it's shaped like a centaur.

Great horsemanship.

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset

I bought a new toilet brush recently…

…long story short, I’m switching back to toilet paper

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I bought a jar of extra virgin olive oil...

Now it's just olive oil.

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

I bought a book on "How to Stop Procrastinating".

I'll read it later.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

I bought a book on the sunk cost fallacy.

It's not very good but I'm halfway through, so I thought I might as well finish it.

I bought a Roomba...

and now it does nothing but sits there and collect dust.

I bought a perfume that has no fragrance.

It makes no scents.

I bought a push up bra today...

It didn't work, I can still only do 2...

I bought a car that grants wishes

It's a Lamborgenie

I bought a 2nd hand car

I bought a 2nd hand car from a dodgy garage and when i drove it i couldn't hear a thing.
Apparently I'd bought a deaf trap.

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I bought a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar today.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

I bought a Johnny Cash voice for my GPS...

...I thought it'd be a good deal because it's been everywhere, man, but it just keeps telling me to walk the line.

On the other hand, I also got a Blink-182 voice pack, and it's great. As soon as I switch it on, it turns the lights off and carries me home.

I bought a great power saw two years ago. I can't wait to use it.

The owner's manual said *Warning: Do not use this tool until you read and understand the entire instruction manual!*

But half of it is in Chinese! I'm getting there.

I bought a shabby little place in Bangkok above a nice restaurant.

It was a bad Thai pad, but good pad Thai

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

I bought a book about decorating for Christmas.

just a little light reading.

I bought a pedometer and tested it with a quick walk around the neighborhood.

I'm moving away as soon as possible.

Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.

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I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

I bought a book

I bought a book entitled "an exorcist explains the demonic".

I don't know what possessed me !

I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks

It's to help him do his business.

I bought a bag of bird seed almost 2 months ago.

Anyone know how long it takes for the bird to grow?

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