UPJOKE

I Beg Your Pardon Jokes

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

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Cockpit duties

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could
visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first
what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his
responsibilities were.

She turned t...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

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A gentleman is wandering around the campus of a school looking for the library...

He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I'm sorry, sir. But at this school we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”

The ...

executioner: any last words?

prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your...

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Shopping Habits

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky...

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

A guy is walking into a bar...

Guy: " Give me a beer, you son of a b***".

Bartender: "Here's your beer, but next time be more polite or I will nail you to the wall up there."


On the next day. The guy walks into the same bar and politely asks "I beg your pardon, Sir. Do you have a hammer and some nails?"

B...

What did the turkey say to the US president on Thanksgiving?

I beg your pardon.

What did the innocent prisoner say to the partially deaf warden?

I beg your pardon(?)

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

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3 kids were skateboarding down the street.

[Long]
One was called Shut Up, one called Manners and the third called Dog Shit.

It was dog shits turn on the skateboard but he fell off and broke his arm. So Shut up ran off to get some help.

He saw 2 police officers walking down the street and ran up to them. One of the officers...

Since we’re doing limericks

There once was a woman from Arden

Who was blowing her man in her garden

He said “my dear Flo,

Where does it all go?

She said *gulp* “I beg your pardon?

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The Ferret...

Man walks into a bar with a small wooden box, places it on the bar and orders a drink.

The barman asks “what’s in the box?”

“A ferret” the man replies

“Sorry sir but you need to leave, he could get out and bite one of my customers!”

“No, no he’ll be fine, he’s very well ...

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An American was invited to a Royal dinner in England

He was placed to the left of a very old, very fat Grand Duchess, with an elderly English Baron sat on her right. During the soup course, the Duchess farted. The Englishman, taking chivalrous responsibility, said "I beg your pardon."

During the fish course, the Duchess farted again, louder tha...

A man get sent to jail on a high charge

With his one phone call, he calls his brother, who is a high up there politician.
He says to his brother "Listen, I know you can get me out of this, I know you have a way of dealing with these things."
The brother replies "Well... maybe if you ask me enough, I'll see what I can do."
The man...

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Two girls are moving into a college dorm...

Two girls are moving into a college dorm. One is from Georgia the others from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut is hanging curtains with her mother in the dorm.

The girl from Georgia walks in and says them "What beautiful curtains, where are y'all from?".

The girl from Connectic...

Heavenly Justice

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a...

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A nun goes fishing...

A nun goes fishing for the first time, and asks a local fisherman to help her out. Together they catch a large fish. "Take a look at that sonofabitch!" the local fisherman says. The nun responds, "Excuse me sir! You do not use that language in front of a woman of God." He replies, "I beg your ...

A string walks into a bar...

So a shoelace walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender looks at him and responds: "We don't serve shoelaces here, leave."

The shoelace, rather put out, exits the establishment, and proceeds to tie himself into a knot. He then returns to the bar and, again, orders a sco...

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Particularly nasty weather.

There's a guy at a bar who's trying to get lucky. He walks over to a beautiful brunette and says, very casually,

"Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman is shocked. "Excuse me?!"

The man responds without missing a beat, "Particularly nasty weather."

"Oh... yes, I supp...

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The Guy Who Only Ate Pool Balls (clean)

This guy walks into the doctor's office and complains he's been feeling weak and indisposed in general, without disposition to work, or even for leisure. He then proceeds to call the doctor's attention to the fact that he only eats pool balls.

-I beg your pardon? Interrupts the doctor.
...

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A man walks into a bar and hears the most beautiful music in the world (NSFW)

A business man walks into a bar. As he is sat down drinking his beer he notices a man playing the piano. After a few minutes he goes over .
“That tune was beautiful. I’ve never heard it before. What is it called?”
“You like to take it up the arse you filthy bitch” replied the pianist
I beg ...

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