UPJOKE

I Asked My Wife Jokes

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I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

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I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said a divorce.

I said "you can fuck right off, I'm not spending that much"

I asked my wife, “How do you spell invulnerable?”

She said, “I-N-V-U..”

I said, “Everyone does, because I’m awesome!”

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I asked my wife “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She said “I don’t like calling you at work.”

I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Without hesitation, she sighed and said, “The Rooster did. The rooster always comes first.”

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

I asked my wife if I could play doctor

I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms. [NSFW]

She told me she doesn’t want to bother me while I’m at work.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday

She replied „nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.“


So, I bought her nothing.

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work

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I asked my wife...

"What's your opinion on the state of English football?"

"Its fucking shit," she replied, "absolute crap."

"More than likely," I said,

"but let's hear it anyway."

I asked my wife, "when I die, will you remarry?"

She said, "not at all, I'm going to live with my sister." Then she asked me when she dies, would I remarry. I replied, "of course not, I'm going to live with your sister."

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I asked my wife the age old question. Is the cup half full, or half empty?

She replied;
"Stop wearing my fucking bra!!!!!"

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I asked my wife for some head

I asked my wife for some head.
She replied, “sure, I’m guessing you want some bootie with that too?”
I nodded excitedly but then felt a harsh impact to my head and fell to the floor in a flash of pain.
“Why did you do that?” I asked angrily.
She replied, “headbutt.”

I asked my wife what the score on the hockey game was.

I was stuck in traffic. Called home she said it was 2-1 in the third quarter. I said it's not the third quarter it's the third period. She said, oh, that explains all the blood.

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I asked my wife..

"what would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replied, " I would take half and leave you." I said, "good I won $12. Here's $6, now fuck off."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife "If I was an inanimate object, what would I be?"

She said "a window"

I thought about it for a minute and then said "Is that because I'm transparent, I let the sunshine into your life and shield you from the rain?"

She looked up slowly, smiled and said "No it's because you're a fucking pane"

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

For our anniversary I asked my wife if she'd mind spicing things up by wearing a catsuit and trying something new.

So if anyone wants to know what it's like to be pegged by Tony the Tiger, ask away.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

She said: "Try walking around the house naked."

I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"

She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...

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I asked my wife: "Honey, what is the difference between a boy and a man?"

She said, "A man has his own opinion, his own walk. He is not afraid of other men, no matter their size, no matter how intimidating they might be. But most importantly, a man...a man has a massive cock."

I smiled and nodded confidently, and said, "Well, I suppose that makes me a man, then."...

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words and she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect...

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I asked my wife if she would get "Nitrogen" or "Dioxide" tattooed on her backside.

She said NO2 both

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "All I want is a nice card..."

"...with a $100,000 limit".

"I asked my wife how many men she slept with...

She said "only you Babe, all the others kept me up all night" "
(credit : Al Snow)

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I asked my wife to rate the last orgasm I gave her.

She said, "Sure, have you got a time machine?"

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister.

She said her schedule was flexible enough

I asked my wife for a handjob

She said “okay there are some dishes you can wash”

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I asked my wife wether she would want to try something new in bed tonight

Sex

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I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new sex position called the 68.

I asked if she wanted to try the 68.

Wife: What's a 68?

Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one.

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I asked my wife to talk to her doctor about a treatment that would make her more interested in sex...

...she came home and dropped a prescription bottle of diet pills on my lap with MY name on it.

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play tonight.

She could be the Capitol building, and I’d be a Trump protester.

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