UPJOKE

I Am Jokes

I am selling my username.

It’s just under a buck.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I am so broke…

That people break into my house and leave me food.

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

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I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

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I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong

I am giving up. Drinking for a month

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

How old do you think I am?

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you thin...

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”Hello. My name is Paul, and I am a sex addict.“

Group leader: ”Hello Paul. Nice to meet you. But I have to tell you that the sex addicts meet three rooms further down the hall. This is the group for single moms.“

Paul: ”I know.“

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%...

Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

I am convinced that all junk drawers are connected.

For every person saying "What's this?", there's someone saying "I'm sure it was in here..."

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A stomach said to the brain, “I am more clever than you are.” “How so?,” brain inquired.

I can tell when I am empty, you can’t.

Arabic Joke

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

Today I was told I am developing schizophrenia

I guess I'll finally have a social life

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

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I am no longer a 28 year old virgin!

I am a 29 year old virgin.

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I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.

On the upside, it’s buttered.

On the downside, it isn’t.

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I am reading a horror story in Braille

Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.

WHY I AM SO TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work...

Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober.

So I’m going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER”

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

At the office, I am known as "The Computer".

Not because I am smart. But if you leave me unattended for 30 minutes, I go to sleep.

With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.

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My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit....wrong thread.

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

I am suicide bomber AMA

Wow this blew up fast.

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I am trying to overcome procrastination...

That's the setup. I'll do the punchline tomorrow.

If I am ever on life support, unplug me ...

... then plug me back in. See if that works.

"I am sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing

Except at a funeral

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man...

I am trans-fat.

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

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Me and my wife agree that I am having some erectile disfunction issues.

Our approaches, however, are different. She bought me a pack of Viagra. I bought her a gym membership.

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I hate it when I am singing a song...

And the artits gets the words wrong, felt like it was being revised.

My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

I am going to travel to Prague.

Gotta Czech it out.

I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

“I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon.”

“Neil before me.”

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

I am developing a fear of German sausage...

I fear the wurst

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Do you know who i am?

Boy: Our principal is so stupid.

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No

Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No

Boy: Good (*walks away)

Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters

Doc: You Are?

Me: *screams*

Doc: Oh I See...

Me: *screaming intesifies*

I am so far on the spectrum...

...they call me visible light.

I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.

I am so addicted to junk food...

...it's heartbreaking!

I am on a seafood diet…

But I am blind so I am starving as a consequence of this.

My cat passed away but I am not sad

She will live on forever in my online passwords.

the cannibal said in his trial - “If I am what I eat..."

"Then I'm an innocent man"

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

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Wife: I am leaving you

Husband : is it because I speak so quietly

Wife: you asshole you could at least say something

Tomorrow I am having a brain transplant

Change my mind

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

I am sure this has been posted before...

In a bar, an attractive woman calls the bartender over and asks to speak to the manager.

He explains that the manager is not in this evening but he will be happy to help her.

The woman leans across the bar and pulls the bartender in close, running her fingers through his hair.

"...

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Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I am a social vegan

I avoid meet.

Ba dum tiss

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about ‘how childish I am’

But she didn’t know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn’t get in.

I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. ...

I am driving through England, and my next stop is Greenwich.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

I Am Coming

Johnny walked into class with a black eye.

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: My house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed.Every night, my dad asks, "Johnny are you sleeping?" Then I say No and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.

Teacher: Tonight when y...

I am dreading the time when Mr. Musk's scandal come out.

I just know Elon-gate will keep stretching on.

I am very racist...

...horse races are far superior to all other races

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my doctor told me I am very sick

He won't take porn recommendations from me ever again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am not a "Grammar Nazi"...

I prefer the term "Alt-Write".

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I am always exaggerating…

I exaggerate 10,000 times a day!

Doc : Sir, I am afraid that your DNA is backwards

Me : and?

Girl, I am no weatherman

But tonight you can expect up to three inches

I am smarter than George Jetson

Because unlike him, I wasn't born yesterday

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said,...

I asked siri why i am single.

Then it turned the front camera on

I wouldn't be the man I am today, if it wasn't for my father.

He refused to pay for my abortion.

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

I am Vengeance!!

Batman:- Robin, check the battery
Robin:- What's a Terry??

I am a 100 days sober!

...
Not in a row or anything, just total.

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

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I am morbidly a beast

Or what ever the fuck my doctor said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I am going bananas

That is what i say to my bananas every time i leave the house.

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I am opening a bar that only serves milk stouts

I am calling it Brew Dairymore

I am afraid of bumps

I'm slowly getting over it.

[First Date] Her: I am really enjoying our conversation. Let’s get a drink and see where it goes.

Me: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

I live alone, so I am ironing my own clothes

Oh, the irony.

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