UPJOKE

I Accidentally Jokes

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex;

fortunately they didn't see me for almost a half hour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives

I will start a religious movement anytime now

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor saw it happen, and realized it was an accident. He just yelled "Oh God please put him out of his misery!"

He got really mad when I tried to tell him I'd have to do it eight more times.

I accidentally put diesel in the escort.

She’s dead now.

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I’ll never hear the end of it

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes

Now I'm brined.

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

I accidentally mixed up a bottle of alcohol with a magic lamp

Now I'm sipping on jinn & juice.

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

I accidentally combined Fahrenheit and milliliters

FmL

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally showed a friend some porn

hope he didnt have any hard feelings.

I accidentally slept with my third cousin.

The first two were better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally called my mom an asshole

and now i feel like a piece of shit.

I accidentally went to a bread and breakfast

>!My sleep was horrible, too much crust.!<

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

I accidentally joined an organization...

I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.

When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.

I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.

I confessed to my girlfriend that I accidentally gave her eyebrow relaxing cream.

She didn’t seem to care that much.

I accidentally had a jar of invisible ink

I'm now at the hospital waiting to be seen

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

I accidentally sat on a bag of dried fruit the other day

Guess I *have* been on a date this year!

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.

I think I dyed a little inside.

I used to hate when I accidentally ate seeds

But recently, they've been growing on me.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it’s not your son, it’s arson.

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs.

Now I want to break three.

I accidentally sat on some broken glass

It was a real pane in the ass

I accidentally dialed the emergency services from my phone last night

So I set my house on fire so I didn't look stupid.

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning

I feel like a good boy.

I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.

It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.

I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”

Thankfully it was just a virus.

Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally pooped my pants in an elevator

I am taking this shit to a whole new level

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

I accidentally spilled a coconut milk based curry on my patella, but just a small amount.

It was only a Thai knee issue.

I accidentally ate a Pb&J for lunch today.

I ended up with lead poisoning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally turned off the basement lights while my wife was still down there.

I thought she’d be really upset, but turns out she was delighted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom.

I'm pissed.

I accidentally called a presentation a "slide deck"

Now everyone on the Zoom meeting knows I'm actually 40

I accidentally jumped out of a plane without a parachute

But dont worry i got the rest of my life to figure out how to survive it

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

I accidentally stole Luis Fonsi’s seat

He came up to me and said, “Das my seato”

I accidentally started a worldwide terrorist organization.

I just didn’t expect it to blow up so much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I accidentally ate some styrofoam...

This morning I didn’t feel too good... I was packing shit!

I accidentally called my gynecologist thinking it was my dentist

The person on the other end was horrified when I asked about my routine cleaning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally overdosed on Viagra...

... and discovered a completely new way to pick my nose.

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

Help! I accidentally swallowed a mint!

Never mind, I'm cool now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally sent my essay to a 3D printer

It came out as a pile of shit.

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