UPJOKE

I've Got Jokes

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

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I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.

Happy Father's day

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

I've got a friend who is a structural engineer.

He's always complaining about stress at work.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

I've got a small car in me groin area.

It's drivin' me nuts.

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A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises."

The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?"

**"Like a glove."**

I've got my doctorate in palindromes.

I'm now addressed as Dr.Awkward

I've got a friend whose 1/2 Indian.

Ian.

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I've got an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses...

Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

The doctor says to me, "I've got bad news and worse news"

Me: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live.

Me: Then what's the worse news!?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday

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I always tell women that I've got the golden touch.

It's easier than saying I never wash my hands after a piss.

I've got a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

I've got a fetish for geometry.

Sorry, I'm getting off on a tangent right now.

I've got a joke about what happens if you shoot an archduke...

...but it's a bit over the top lads.

I've got 99 problems...

Please help me.

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

I've got a great idea for tax evasion

Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing free food and a roommate

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Personally, I've got a dog's philosophy.

If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it.

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

I've got a new rule where I never drink in front of my son.

I don't want him to think I gamble irresponsibily.

I've got good news and bad news...

The bad news is, I've got no good news.
But the good news is, I've got no bad news

I've got a friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid

But he says he can stop whenever he wants!

To all the people who say 'JIF', I've got two words for you:

Jraphics Interchange Format

I've got my own private jet...

...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

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Me: "I've got a fear of the Backstreet Boys"

Therapist: "Tell me why."

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I've got a conspiracy that NASCAR fucking sucks...

It's my critical race theory.

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing

Serves him right

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

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You've got a donkey, I've got a rooster. Your donkey bit the leg off my rooster...

Now you've got a foot of my cock in your ass.

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you...

I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?

I've got a horrible memory.

I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I've got to stop murdering elderly nuns.

Old habits die hard.

I've got a friend with ADHD and, interestingly, he seems to be sharper than most people.

I guess that he's got AD4K.

I've got a GREAT joke about construction...

but I'm still working on it.

I've got a fantastic joke about Amnesia

I always forget it for some reason, tho

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A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

I've got a lot of puns about people with crooked teeth

You'd better brace yourself

I've got some new jokes which I can only do in sign language...

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

I've got a kid

in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

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I realized I've got a problem with road rage.

When my five year old Daughter shouted.

"Pick a fucking lane you dickhead!"

That's the last time I take her to the grocery store....

I've got conjunctivitis!

I know because I researched it on the internet, it was a site for sore eyes.

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem." John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning." But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John’', tell me. What's wrong?" J...

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.'

The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

HEY! I've got a joke. Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

I've got everything I need

A Married Couple Is Driving Down The Highway Doing 80km/h. The Husband Is Behind The Wheel.

His Wife Looks Over At Him And Says: “Honey, I Know We’ve Been Married For 15 Years, But, I Want A Divorce”

The Husband Says Nothing But Slowly Increases Speed To 100km/h.

Wife Then Says:...

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I've got an E.T..

Not the alien, an extra testicle..

I've got a medical condition where I can't go three minutes without mentioning a motown group..

Four Tops...

The doctor comes in the room and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

The bad news is you've got "HAGS".



"HAGS? What's that?"



"That's what we call it when you have herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis all at the same time.



"Doc, that's horrible, what's the good news?"



"There is a special treatment regime for...

Baby, I've got to give you a speech

because I'm imagining you naked

I've got the worlds greatest wife

For our anniversary, she got me a life insurance policy and a trip to China.

I've got loads of jokes about undelivered letters.

But people just don't get them.

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I've got a plan to make everyone in the world simultaneously ejaculate.

It's all coming together.

I've got CDO.

It's basically OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order. as they should be.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

I've got a dog called Curiosity. .......

..... I no longer have a cat.

Sorry, I've got some bad news!

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."

I've got a mate who weighs 110kg and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

I've got a French rifle for sale.

It's never been fired, but it was dropped once.

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I've got to stop masturbating in the shower...

Everytime it rains I get a hard on.

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

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I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.

So Kim runs an undergarment, loungewear and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!

I've got no luck with the ladies

One time a girl texted me come on over there's nobody home. I went over and there was nobody home.

I think I've got a summary fetish...

...I can't stop coming to conclusions.

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Doctor, I've got a problem

Doc: What is that?

Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep pooping everyday at 8 am sharp.

Doc: How is that a problem?

Gramps: I wake up at 9am.

I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my brothers got diarrhoea.

Runs in the family.

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

I've got an addiction to cheddar cheese.

Its only mild though.

Dad I've got something to tell you..

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

I've got a good socialist joke for you...

But we've got to tell it together.

I've got two jokes for you.

1) Why did the chicken cross the road? - to get to the idiot's house.

2) knock knock...

Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.

Doctor: any other symptoms?

Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before

Doctor: French mustard?

Me: yes, why?

Doctor: It's dijon view

I've got a foot fetish, but they have to have all ten toes...

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

A woman goes to the doctor, and says "I've got a strawberry stuck in my ass".

The doctor says "I can give you some cream for that".

I've got a wonderful doctor

If you can't afford the operation she touches up the x-rays.

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Doctor tells me I've got to stop masturbating! I ask why?

He says "I'm trying to read your blood pressure".

I've got two little boys, six and four.

I was never any good at naming things

So I got a call from a lady from a recruiting firm and she said "Well, I've got 3 openings..."

I said " obviously,you are a woman ".

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I've got a joke for the car lovers of Reddit

What do you get if you have sex in a Subaru dealership

A WRX STI

Doctor to patient: I've got bad news & worse news...

Patient: Give me the bad first.

Dr: Ok. Your diagnosis told us you only have 48 hours to live.

P: Oh god! What could be worse news than that?

Dr: I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning.

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.

It keeps the kids from it.

And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.

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My wife and I are a perfect match....I've got a 9-inch penis.....

And she doesn't know which end of the tape measure to hold.

Look, dumbass, I've got your phone!

Owner looks at iPhone, iPhone unlocks, thief runs off with it.

I've got a trophy girlfriend.

I keep her locked in one of my cabinets.

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

Doc, I've got a problem with my left ear

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm definite

I've got a hot date tonight.

I burned my hand at work today.

I've got a really good dad joke.

My girlfriend's pregnant and she thinks I'm going to stick around.

I've got really bad insomnia.

It's been keeping me asleep all night.

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Oh man, I've got the runs.

Same day, different shit.

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got the swine flu."

"Here's an oinkment to make it better."

I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

I've got a prosthetic leg.

I just hope it's previous owner got home okay.

I've been told I've got terrible body odor.

I suppose I do need to bury the corpses sometime.

I've got a friend who's a female private investigator.

Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.

I've got an ADHD joke that I wanted to post for a long time

I forgot what it was

I've got my mother's eyes and my father's nose

I think my brother got the better deal, he got left their house and money.

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I've got a lying fetish.

I call my penis "Pinocchio".

Doctor: I've got some good news & bad news sir

Artist: Ok. What's the good?
D: Someone just bought every one of your paintings.
Artist: Alright! Whats the bad news?
Doctor: That someone was me.

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