UPJOKE

My girlfriend got pregnant, so I've been thinking about a name for over two weeks

I chose Carlos and escaped to Mexico

I've been thinking about starting a community outreach program to teach inmates about literature...

I'm still considering all of the prose and cons.

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I called my wife from work and said "Honey, I've been thinking about our sex life and I'm getting excited!"

She said "Who IS this?!"

(Rodney Dangerfield)

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I've been thinking about suicide a lot

But then again, I've thought about having sex aswell a lot and I'm still not doing it

I've been thinking about all this time I spend on Reddit

I hope I don't regreddit.

I've been thinking about investing in marijuana groweries.

I hear it's a budding industry.

I've been thinking of this all month...

Does skeletons scale-a-ton?

I've been thinking about learning sign language.

I've heard it's pretty handy.

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I've been thinking about getting a penis enlargement.

I have a lot riding on this.

I've been thinking of getting into the warehousing business...

I've heard it's blowing up in China

I've been thinking about Oscar Pistorious's case...

I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

I've been thinking recently that unfaithful women are condemned way beyond proportion.

Begone, thought.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

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A policeman is at the roadside, looking at passing cars.

Suddenly he sees one approaching. Without warning, he whistles, signals for it to stop,then pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the air.

At once, the car stops. The policeman approaches it. Inside, a snow-pale driver is sitting.

\- What... officer... what did I do? I could swear I've...

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Been trying to find the best way to describe my penis...

...I've been thinking long and hard.

Credit: Gary Delaney

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

When does the next sunrise come?

I've been thinking about when will the next sunrise come...
Then it dawned on me.

My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.

Guy goes to a doctor...

A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, "I've been thinking about this a long time. I want to be castrated. This is important to me, and don't try to talk me out of it. I don't want any discussion. Just do it."

The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day.
...

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The prizefighter and the texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

Condoms & Dramamine

Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs do...

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A grandpa and his grandson were driving down the road

Grandson: You know grandpa, our president is a real idiot.
Grandpa: You know what they say; takes one to know one.

*Silence*

Grandson: I've been thinking about joining the family business, but uncle Joe is kind of a jerk.
Grandpa: You know what they say; takes one to know one....

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