UPJOKE

I'm Not Jokes

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I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch
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A driver picks up a hitchhiker.

Hitchhiker: "Thanks for picking me up. Most people won't. How do you know I'm not a serial killer?

Driver: "What are the odds... Two serial killers in the same car?"
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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

Jack's sitting on the bus

Sitting opposite him is a man trying to bite into an apple.
"What's the matter?" asks Jack.
"I left my false teeth at home", the man replies.
Jack puts his hand in his pocket, "Here, try these", and hands him a set of false teeth.
"Thanks, but they're too big".
Jack hands him another...
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How many anorexics does it take to change a shower head?

I'm not sure - they keep slipping down the drain
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trying to calm down a co-worker

i´m from Portugal and i'd like to share a story involving a former co-worker a few years ago.

One day, during the lunch break, I noticed that he was very apprehensive and asked him if everything was okay. He replies:

"I'm not very well! I lost my Smartphone!"

Every day there are...
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A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife hostage..

At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs. Suddenly, the man yells at th...
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oc

my roommate said the neighbors across the street were calling me inwards... I'll agree I'm not that outgoing, just a black dude that likes watching TV and playing video games...
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A new patient has been interned in a mental asylum.

One of the doctors ask him:

- What is your name?

- John F Kennedy, sir.

- Great, another president...

- No sir! I'm not the president, I'm the airport!
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My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person
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I'm not fatphobic.

Except for when I'm on a plane. And there's an empty seat next to me. And people are still boarding.
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Second Date.

I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.

So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

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A man meets a shaman

Having been down on his luck for quite a number of years, the man figured it wouldn't hurt any more to consult him.

After hearing his numerous misfortunes in life, the shaman tells him: "I have seen countless souls turn cruel and uncaring when their fortunes change drastically for the better,...

An old man talks with a friend

\- You know, I think my wife is beginning to become deaf, but I'm not sure. Are there tests that can be done before going to the doctor?
\- Yes there is, says his friend. You could measure the maximum distance at which she can hear you.

The man goes home and find his wife in the k...
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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

A salesman drove into a small town...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Ita...
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Man needs help with his boner.

A man needs helps with his boner because its too large and it hurts his wife when having intercourse. So his friend suggests he go to this special doctor for a remedy.

The doctor says 'I can't help you, not my area, but there is someone who can. Its a frog in the desert"

Man laughs and...

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My mother said she was disappointed when I came out.

I said, "I'm not gay, mum."

"I was referring to your birth," she replied.

Looking for jokes

I'm looking for jokes in the same vein as the follows

"I'm jealous of his glasses because they sit on his face and I don't."

"I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping inside you and I'm not."
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A guy asks his girlfriend for a blowjob.

"Listen," she answers, "I'm sorry, but I'm not very good at that, let's do it another time."

"I don't get it," he answers. "Where the heck are you going to learn by then?!"

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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

No? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

[Long] A man was playing golf one sunny afternoon when he hit his ball into a pond.

As he approached the water to retrieve his ball, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad.
To his surprise, the frog spoke up and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm not actually a frog. I'm a beautiful princess under a curse. If you kiss me, I'll transform back into my true form, and I'll be for...
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ah auto correct!

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

block quote
"I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and I have to confess.”

I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I hope yo...
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Of Harleys and Horses (a joke that reads like a fable)

One day, it rained mighty fierce down on the farm. And when the weather let up, all the barn animals decided to come out and play. As they did so, Mr. Horse decided he wanted to go take a romp out in Mr. Farmers field, and splash in all the muck puddles.

After a while, however, Mr. Horse foun...

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
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"Hey, Ryo, it's been a while! How have you been? Wow, you've really changed your look. I'm surprised you dyed your hair blonde! And it looks like you've grown taller too, haven't you?"

"Huh? But I'm not Ryo..."

"What!? Your name changed too?"
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A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.  

"I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping.  What's the problem, doc?"

The doctor thoroughly examined the drunk and remarked, "I can't find anything wrong with you.  It must be the drinking." ...
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I asked the person at the bookstore if they have that new book for men who have a very small penis. She said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I said, "Yeah, that's the one."

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."
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Pope Innocent XII died and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, an angel asks him if he's Pope Innocent XI. He replies:

"I'm not. That. Innocent!"
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Farmer Dave

Farmer Dave went to see his neighbor Dan one day and when he pulled up he was was suprised to not see Dan out in the field working.

So he looked around a bit and found Dan in the barn with some Rr&B playing and a candlelit dinner set out by the John Deere.

Dave asked what was going...

I was told to take the bus if I've been drinking.

As it turns out, I'm not fit to drive those either when I'm drunk.
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I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is golf like sex?

I enjoy both even though I'm not very good.

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I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.

"Morning", he says respectfully.

"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."
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A lion walks into a bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a tiger walks into the bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a skunk walks into the bar. Who leaves first?

Everybody else.
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Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...
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Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...
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I'm not good with science jokes

I would make a science joke but.. Ion know..

I could try physics, but I don't wanna force it

Maybe chemistry? ...Na

Or biology, but those jokes don't cell well, and I don't like denature

I'd ask my teacher for help with jokes but he's not a very fungi
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One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.

Guy: But I'm not ready!

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy: Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?

Death: All right.

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell...
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I have a joke about time travel

but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
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Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...
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Well, I'm in the emergency room.

I'm not sure how many bones are broken so today is not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding. Something I haven't done in many many years !!!. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fas...
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A gorilla walks into the local pub

The gorilla sits down, grunts softly and points to a picture of a pint of beer on the menu.

The barman pours the beer, hands it to the gorilla, who again grunts softly and nods. The gorilla slaps a $100 bill down on the counter and slides it toward the barman.

The barman, figuring the ...
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A drunk man with a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom

Where his wife is in bed. He says "this is the pig I have sex with when I'm not with you"
His wife hardly looks up and says "you daft twat, that's a sheep"
"I know," says the man, "I was talking to the sheep..."

Saw Mill Accident

Two coworkers at the saw mill witness a horrible accident that claims the life of their friend Earl. They decide their first course of action would be to inform Earl's wife, who neither of them have ever met. Ultimately, the first worker says he'll go.

About ten minutes later, he returns with...
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I'm not a necrophile...

I'm just morbidly curious.
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Chatting with a Russian Nationalist

Russian: Mark my words the glorious Russian army will be marching into Lviv by December.

Me: Anything's possible I guess, marching will definitely be the course of action I don't think Russia has any tanks left, but I'm not sure if they have any POW camps in Lviv.
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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat."

"The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"
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I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...

But when I drive, my sat nav doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.
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My wife woke up with a big smile on her face...

I'm not allowed to bring Sharpies to bed any longer.
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I yelled to my neighbor keep it down

He yelled back, I'm not making any noise.

I mean keep your blinds down.. or at least put some pants on.
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I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.
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During a psychiatric patient's evaluation, he's given an inkblot test.

Psychiatrist: Look at that inkblot and tell me what you see.

Patient (studies the inkblot for a minute): I'm not sure, doctor, but to me, it looks like Rorschach Inkblot Series 12, card #7.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I'm not sure if I can get hard, I was just laid this morning.
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"I'm not serving you," said the bartender. "Too drunk."

"Sober up then you idiot," I slurred.
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I dreamed I was invisible and I married an invisible woman

I'm not sure what we saw in each other
 
 
 
 
Our kids were nothing to look at either
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What's the worst thing a woman can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.
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A man in a mental health facility was having an argument.

A man in a mental health facility was arguing with a hazelnut. "I'm not crazy! You're crazy!" He says.

The squirrel chimed in and said, "You're both nuts!"
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An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...
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Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.
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