UPJOKE

I'm Leaving Jokes

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."

"I'm leaving you!..."

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her: I'm leaving you because you're too cocky.

Him: Close the door on your way back in.

If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,

If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.

This has nothing to do with politics.

I just really want to travel.

My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."

I said,"please don't,I can change."

Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .

Me : Wait . I can change .

My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.

But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

Husband: I'm leaving you for another woman.

Wife: Who is she??

Husband: That's what I can't wait to find out.

GF: I'm leaving you!

Me: Is it because I create gf nicknames out of names of kitchen appliances?

GF: No, it's because you're always making fun of my height

Me: You know I love you microbabe!

This is why I'm leaving /r/jokes:

I have a dentist appointment. I'll be back in an hour.

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

My friends don't understand why I'm leaving my wife for another one.

They say it should at least be a two or three.

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I kno...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

The wife left a note by the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving"

I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it stupid cow!

There are rumours that the reason I'm leaving the company is because I was fired for breaking the windshield of my boss's Honda car...

the truth is... It's of my own Accord

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

The all-knowing man

Jenna: I'm leaving you!

Ben: Is it because I act like i know everything?

Jenna: Yes

Ben: I knew it!

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