UPJOKE

I'm Gonna Be Jokes

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I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

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Guys, I'm gonna be posing nude for art class today!

Nobody asked me to. I think they're making ceramic cups. Wish me luck!

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For Halloween this year, I'm gonna be a dish.

Because bitches do dishes.

I'm gonna be a rapper

I'll name myself lay-z

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When I was a little kid my father told me that I'm gonna be like Isaac Newton

How the fuck did he know that I'm gonna die virgin?

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"?

Scotch tape.

I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

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A drunk man sitting at a bar starts to dry heave (long)

The bar patrons instinctively moved away from him, and sure enough, he vomits all over the bar and himself. The man immediately starts sobbing loudly.

The bartender approaches slowly to address the mess. He says to the man "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. You're not the first guy to throw up ...

Two old drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about for...

Don't know if this is known but I wanted to share

The wife said: "hey I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "are you cheating on me?"

Wife: "what?"

Husband: "say what you just said"

Wife: "I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "Exactly, my name is John"

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

For the sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the...

An old VW beetle broke down in the middle of a highway

"Looks like it's out of gas", said a rich guy who had stopped to help the Beetle driver. "I'll hook you up here in my Ferrari to the next gas station", he continued.
"Oh thank God for your mercy, can't thank you enough"
"No problemo! I'm not in a hurry anyway!"
"Oh, that sure would be a pro...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

Why did the hillbilly wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

He said,

"If I'm gonna be impotent,

I gotta look impotent.

What did the Christian say when he found out about all the corruption in the Church?

*"I think I'm gonna be Sikh."*

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

Step 1. Play the Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)

What? I'm laozi

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

What do you want to be when you grow up...

A teacher in front of her three students asks them about what they want to be once they grow up. She walks up to the first boy.

Teacher: so, John what do you want to be when you grow up?
John: A firefighter.
Teacher: you will grow up to be a strong brave man .

Teacher: and you Ma...

There were 3 kids in their mother's womb...

...The first one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a plumber because it's always wet in here." The second one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's always dark in here." The third one says, "When I get outta here I'm gonna be a hunter." "Why a hunter?" the oth...

If I keep making all these cheesy puns

I'm gonna be provalone forever!

Three fetuses were talking about their futures...

"I'm gonna be a doctor when I grow up, and bring babies into the world" said the first one.

"I'm gonna be a preacher, and baptize babies!" said the next.

"I'm gonna be a murderer!" said the last.

"A murderer!" exclaimed the first two. "Why?"

"I'm gonn...

Three vampires were chilling on a hill

The first vampire Steve says "I'm gonna be back in a minute" and transforms into a bat to fly off. After a while, he comes back with a little drop of blood on his lips. Their friends ask him what happened.

\+Do you see the yellow building over there?

\-Yes.

\+OK, do you see the ...

I used to hate school as a kid

My mother would always tell me: you should enjoy school. One day, you'll have to work for a living.

No I won't mom, I'm gonna be a comedian.

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I'm not happy with the quote to insure my colon...

I'm gonna be paying out the ass.

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Xmas shopping manners

I was in the ASDA today with 2 trollies of ale when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?” She said “yeah” I did the decent thing and said “if I were you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages”

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Two neighbours go to the doctors checkup for the obligatory militairy service

They both hoped to be rejected, but are perfectly fine man. As he was about to enter the room, one neighbour said to the other: wait me out, I'm gonna be rejected.

So 10 minutes later the guy came out and guess what. Rejected.

"Rejected? For what?"

"I just shoved 100 bucks up ...

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My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week...

And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

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My wife ran into the house...

"Guess what!" she said, "I got a new job down the street on the corner.''

''What!'' I replied, ''It better not be what I think it is!...You'll bring shame on the family!.. What will the neighbours say?"

''No, no, stop worrying'' she said reassuring me, ''Not in the Tescos!..... I'm gon...

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