UPJOKE

I'm Coming Jokes

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

"Are you coming over?" "Yes, I'm coming over."

"We should probably stop talking using the radios, over."

I'm coming out of retirement to build tiny houses.

I just need a little structure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to my wife, "I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going !"

She said, "By the look on your face you're going.
Because when you're coming, you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle."

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "please stop using that walkie talkie in bed..... Over..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The devil whispered "I'm coming for you." And I whispered back.

"That's gay"

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man o...

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again,I'm coming to live with you."

Mom replied, no no my daughter, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedro...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

The Viper

A woman's sitting at home watching the TV. Her phone rings, she answers. She hears a strange man's voice.

"I'm the VIPER! I'm coming next month!"

She hangs up, thinking it was a prank, and forgets about it. A few weeks go by and she gets another call:

"I'm the VIPER! I'll be the...

Mars: I'm wet...

NASA: I'm coming!

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