UPJOKE

I'm Allergic To Jokes

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

I just found out I'm allergic to legumes

Doctor says it's a lentil illness

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

Did I ever tell you I'm allergic to bacon?

It brings me out in rashers.

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

I'm allergic to Vodka, I can't drink it.

It makes me break out in handcuffs.

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

I forgot what I'm allergic to, I'm trying to remember...

..its on the tip of my tongue

I'm allergic to football fields

They send me into NFLactic shock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

A man and his wife went to a new restaurant...

A waiter soon comes up to their table.
Waiter: Good evening, what would you like to order?
Wife: I would like to have the salad, no nuts, please.
Waiter: Certainly, ma'am.

The man quickly leans over to his wife.
Man: But there isn't any mention of nuts in the menu de...

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "Because I'm allergic to peanuts."

I can't read Charlie Brown comics anymore...

Turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

Friends: Why are you always sick after pay day?

Me: I'm allergic to peanuts

One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

I break out in hives whenever a Charlie Brown special comes on.

I think I'm allergic to Peanuts.

Fuzzy Green Booger

A woman walks into a pet store one day looking for a pet to buy.

The pet store owner walks up:
"Can I help you find anything?"

The woman replies:
"I'm looking for a companion."

Owner: "How about a dog?"

Woman: "I'm allergic to dogs."

Owner: "How about a cat?...

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds "I'm allergic to the protein in milk." The barista replies "No whey?"

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being interviewed for a government job...

The man interviewing asks, "have you ever been in any wars?"
The man applying says, "yes I was in Iraq"
The other then asks, "were you injured in any way?"
He replies, " yeah I was actually near the site of an explosion and the shrapnel hit me in the groin, I lost both my testicles."
T...

An Asian boy come home from the doctor and he tells his dad...

Son: Dad the doctor said I'm allergic to bees

Dad: That good, now you can only get A

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.