UPJOKE

I'll See Myself Out Jokes

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I'll see myself out.

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.




I'll see myself out.

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

I'll see myself out.

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

...I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.





...I'll see myself out.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?

Because he became Claustrophobic.

I'll see myself out.

If prisoners could take their own mugshots...

They'd be called CELLFIES

I'll see myself out.

What does Emma Watson put on her sandwiches?

Her mionnnaise

I'll see myself out!

What's the difference...

between a piece of outdoor furniture and a talkative live-in nanny?

One is a patio chair and the other is a chatty au pair!

(I'll see myself out now...)

What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?

"Supplies!"


I'll see myself out

What do you call an Italian Jedi?

Obi Wan Cannoli.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a shitty job and a dirty job? (OC)

A shitty job has a micro-manager and a dirty job has Mike Rowe as the manager.

^(I'll see myself out.)

Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day

I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil

*I'll see myself out*

Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker...

they're always folding.

I'll see myself out. lol

There's going to be a big, new multi-building back pain treatment center here soon.

A Thoracic Park, if you will.
I'll see myself out now.

What do you call a bee that was born in the States?

A USB...



I'll see myself out.

Chicken at the library

A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. "Buk" says the chicken. So the librarian gives her a book. The chicken leaves with the book and comes back 5 minutes later. "Buk" she says. So the librarian gives her another book. This happens 8 more times, until finally the librarian goes on...

What do you call a mud pie on April 22?

An Earthday cake!

I'll see myself out.

What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee?

Half-caf. I'll see myself out.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

I'll see myself out

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

How do they contact the dead in Scandinavia?

With a Norwegia-board





I'll see myself out.

After months of experimenting with sitting vs standing desks I've concluded that ...

...they both have their ups and downs.

I'll see myself out.

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.





I'll see myself out

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

Don't you think it's weird...

Don't you think it's weird when Atheists call their kids Christian?

I think a better name would be Godfrey.

I'll see myself out.

What do you call it?

What do you call it when pregnant women get really dramatic and start making up a bunch of 'what - if' scenarios?


Ovary acting! (I'll see myself out...)

How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

My boss told me i need to set up the company's 401k

But I don't think I can run that far..

What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted murder.

I'll see myself out now.

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

Gesundheit

What are you called when you reach the highest power level sneeze ever?

You're a Peak-Achoo.



I'll see myself out...

What do you call three Karens walking into a bar?

The KKK

I'll see myself out

There are 11 types of people

01- Those who understand binary

10- Those who don't

11- those who write bad jokes on binary

*I'll see myself out*

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.

(I'll see myself out)

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......

I'll see myself out.

What do you call a professional troll?

A master baiter.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance


I'll see myself out now....

What did the dictionary say when it got a cold?

I had thesaurus throat ever.....




I'll see myself out

The beaver says "I didn't build that, Your Honor."

The judge points at the picture of the pile of logs in the river and says "we have damming evidence against you"

I'll see myself out

Cow farts come from

The dairy air.

I'll see myself out.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

(I'll see myself out.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard there is a new category of rideshare where you can get a topless driver.

They are calling it a Boob Lyft.



Thank you... I'll see myself out.

I had four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

I just had the largest vowel movement...

I'll see myself out.

During lockdown, middle aged women are adopting dogs at a rapid rate.

It's called the manypaws.

I'll see myself out.

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!



(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...?

Because he's married. ;_; (I'll see myself out).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic corn schucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One schucks between fits.......




I'll see myself out......

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

Luigi should be president..

..because he has never done anything to get himself imPeach'd.


I'll see myself out

What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

What do you call a young beetroot?

A yeet.




Sorry, I'll see myself out.

I think medical marijuana is really good...

... for joints.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"

A vowel movement.

I'll see myself out.

What did the culinary arts student say when his teacher gave him a piggyback ride?

Weeee Chef!

I'll see myself out.

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit?

FeDora

I'll see myself out.

A prosthetic technician got bored one afternoon...

Sitting at his desk while working on a replacement ear for a patient, the technician decided to play around with the molds and shapes.

Finding entertainment in making small animals, his supervisor arrived to inspect his progress.

The technician asked, "what do you think about my litt...

A man was married to a woman named Lorraine but had a mistress named Clairee.

One day, his wife left him. He wasn't too upset. In fact, he began to sing:

"I can see Clairee now, Lorraine is gone."

Sorry... I'll see myself out...

So two orchestral conductors were walking down the road...

One turns to the other and says: "Was that your piccolo player I saw you rehearsing with last night?"

The other conductor replies: "That was no piccolo! That was my fife!"

*I'll see myself out. Ow! Stop throwing things.*

If Satan ever lost his hair...

there would be hell toupee.

I'll see myself out.

Why did Bob put up a lightbulb next to the kitchen clock?

Because he couldn't find the thyme


.


I'll see myself out

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin π


I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

What was Rasputin's troublemaking brother called?

Harassputin.





I'll see myself out.

I decided to wear a mirror today.

In reflection, I thought I could see myself wearing it. I haven't looked back since.

I'll see myself out.

Anyone planning on attending their non-conformist church now that COVID restrictions are lifted?

Remember to bring your mask. Always practice safe sects.

...I'll see myself out.

What did the communist who was tired of walking say to the capitalist?

"Give me a piggy back ride!"









I'll see myself out

Where do you find giant snails?

On giant's fingers


I'll see myself out

My friend said her husband has erectile dysfunction

Me: "Well, I guess your husband has thrust issues."


I'll see myself out.

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?

Because they like to pumpkin.



I'll see myself out...

How to catch a polar bear

First, go to the Arctic and dig a large hole in the ice.

Next, open a can of peas and place the peas around the edge of the hole.

When the bear steps up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.


Sorry. I'll see myself out

I got a $900 fine and a month of community service for urinating in public...

If you ask me it was a harsh punishment for only a wee crime.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a nazi's favorite button combo on a keyboard?

Alt-right.

I'll see myself out.

What happened when the cow jumped over the moon?

Udder destruction.

I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

What did the pickle say to the lemon?

I relish our time together


I'll see myself out

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".



....I'll see myself out now.

How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor


Bonus joke.

How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?

Loki



I'll see myself out.

What chord do you play to get R. Kelly's attention?

B Minor.



I'll see myself out...

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

So, the Muslim word for sin is haram...

... does that mean a Muslim's sinful girlfriend would be called a... Haram bae?


I'll see myself out.

What does Batman spend his money on?

Batmo-bills!



Sorry...I'll see myself out...

Local News: a feline got electroplated by accident

Shouldn't have touched the cathode

I'll see myself out

What does a patriotic chicken say?

Yankee doodle doo!

I'll see myself out

A man with a mirror leaves a party...

... and says "I'll see myself out."

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak!


...I'll see myself out now.

What is a pirate's favourite letter?

You thought it was the R but it's actually the C.

I'll see myself out.

What kind of pants do the Super Mario Bros. wear?

Denim denim denim.....

I'll see myself out.

[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden.

(I'll see myself out)

Little Old Lady

A: Knock Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Little old lady.

B: Little old lady who?

A: Wow you're a pretty good yodeler!


I'll see myself out now.

What is it called when Al Gore comes up with a solution to a problem?

An Al-Gore-ithm.

I'll see myself out.

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