UPJOKE

I'd Rather Jokes

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth"

the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

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I'd rather cuddle than have sex

*then

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

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I'd rather have my orgasm denied than go off early...

Cuz hey, it's better than nuttin'

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

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I'd rather be in Prison than Married

there's more sex in prison, and it usually isn't a life sentence

I'd rather vote for Monica Lewinsky than Hillary Clinton...

...because at least a little bit of Bill rubbed off on Monica!

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me

Than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa

Than screaming in terror like the passangers of the bus he was driving.

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I felt bad after telling my wife that I'd rather have sex with my inflatable toy.

She said, "Take it back."

I said, "But I didn't keep the receipt."

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A friend asked me if I'd rather marry a mediocre woman, or my dream girl-- plus a dick.

"That's easy," I said. "I don't want to settle for average. I'll take the girl with two dicks."

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A friend recently asked me if i'd rather have an orgasm each time I hear All Star by Smash Mouth, or hear said song each time I have an orgasm.

I told them the choice is irrelevant as I already do both. Not even sorry.

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

I'd rather have Gabe Newell as President than Donald Trump.

That way, World War 3 would never be released.

I'd rather buy a box of cereal than an iPhone 7

Because you can have apples with jacks

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

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A small man goes to prison and gets sent to his cell.

When he meets his new cellmate, he finds out it's this enormous Michael Clark Duncan looking black guy. The cellmate tells him "Hey boy, you and me? We're married now!!! So do you want to be the husband, or you want to be the wife?" The little man replies back "Oh god..... I really don't want to do ...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

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Kinky sisters……..

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven.

In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question....

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

I'd rather have a laptop than an iPad.

At least you can slam it shut when your lady walks in.

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Penis jokes! A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz...

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

[Long] A man was playing golf one sunny afternoon when he hit his ball into a pond.

As he approached the water to retrieve his ball, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad.
To his surprise, the frog spoke up and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm not actually a frog. I'm a beautiful princess under a curse. If you kiss me, I'll transform back into my true form, and I'll be for...

No, your honor, it wasn't a bank robbery.

I'd rather call it a special financial operation.

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My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...

Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.


The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.


The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to...

What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"

My wife came home with flowers, shoved them in my face and said "Look, peonies!"

I told her I didn't need to go, and even if I did I'd rather not.

The doctor said, "To address the inflammation, try rubbing your joints."

I'd rather just use a lighter.

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My friends called me over for a threesome fuck party

I told them that if I had to disappoint two people at once, I'd rather have dinner with my parents

A plane is about to crash

And suddenly, a woman stands up and takes off all of her clothes and says:

-If I'm gonna die, I'd rather do it feeling as a woman. Is there any man here who can make me feel like one?

A man stands up and removes his shirt

-Here, iron this.

Money cant buy you happiness.

But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.

A lady goes to the dentist...

... he looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".

She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled!!"

He says "ok but make up your mind I need to adjust the chair"

A man and a woman in their 50's are out to dinner...

The wife asks, "Honey, when I die, would you ever re-marry?"

The husband replies "I might, but only if I had your blessing..."

The wife says "Of course, my love - but would you let her drive my prized Mercedes??"

The man reassures her saying "No, I would never let another woman ...

The job interviewer asked me: "Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?"

I said, "I'd rather trade intelligence for intelligence."

My Chia Pet was so boring...

...It was so boring, I'd rather go watch the grass grow

Me - "Shall I buy the PS5 or the Xbox Series X?"

Wife - "I'd rather you buy an Eggs Box £3.60"


Lol my wife actually said this and I thought it was so dumb, it made me chuckle and that I thought I'd share it here.

I don't mind being divorced.

But I'd rather be widowed.

*Points gun* "Give me all your money!"

"Please no, I have kids."

"Nah, I'd rather have the money."

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There was this lady in a retirement home. In her day she was very attractive and had men falling all over her. One day she felt particularly randy, and decided to get a man...

She stripped down naked, did her make up and hair and walked around the retirement home.

She saw 2 old guys sitting on a bench, and walked by repeating Super Sex, Super Sex, Super Sex.

After she left the one old guy said to the other, "I'd rather have the Soup"

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

But I'd rather take my chances against someone with a spoon.

They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great...

...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Israel,

and while walking to their hotel after a long day, the wife got hit by a car. Dead on the spot. The local churches' priest offers to bury her in the churches' cemetery rather than taking her body back on the plane and burying her at home. The man however, politely declines and says, "I'd rather bury...

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
Again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The ...

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheape...

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.

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Stop me if you heard this one..

An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any sexual favor you desire!"
The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.
"I'm 75, I'd ra...

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An old man is walking down the street when he hears a voice.

"Excuse me sir."

The old man looks around but doesn't see anybody. Perplexed, he continues on his way.

"Sir, down here."

The man stops and looks down, only to see a frog sitting at his feet. He looks around again to make sure nobody is watching before addressing the frog, "did ...

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.

At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"

She hangs up and turns towards her ...

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

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A Man Walks Into a Car Dealership

A man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams.

He walks up to it, and gives it the whole over/under but can't find a price listed anywhere on it.

He runs his hands along the door and when he does, he accidentally lets out a loud fart. He looks around quickly to see i...

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A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the doo...

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Son: Dad! Guess What! I lost my virginity!

Dad: Great job son, have a seat next to me.

Son: I'd rather stand, it still hurts to sit down.

A nun travelling to the Vatican fell out of her hotel window

Falling from the 10th floor, all she could do was pray to God to save her. To her surprise, a man catches her at the 8th floor,

He said "Let me touch your t!ts or I'll let go"

"I'd rather die than commit such sin!"

The man then let her go and the nun prays harder to God .At t...

BDSM is supposedly a hit with the youth

But it's just something I'd rather not get tied up in

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Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

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Stormy Daniels should run for president

If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole

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A man is driving past a farm when he runs over a rooster...

He feels bad about it, so he collects the rooster and goes to knock on the door of the farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the man says, "I'm afraid I've run over your rooster, it was out in the road. I really do apologize, and I'm more than happy to replace him."

The farmer ha...

Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?

I'd rather spend that £2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life.

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