UPJOKE

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

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"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

How to make a blonde laugh at Monday morning?

Tell her a joke at Friday night.

My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

A baker trainee is learning how to make bread.

While preparing the dough, he asks his boss: 'How do I know it no longer needs kneading?' 'As soon as your asscrack gets drippy with sweat', the boss says.

After a while, the trainee, tired of kneading, sticks his hand in his pants.
'No, not yet.'

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

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How to make your wife scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

How to make a woman scream with just two fingers...

Poke her in the eyes

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

My daughter came home from her first day at school and announced that she "learned how to make babies"

You drop the "y" and add "ies".

How to make your steak taste better?

Eat it with bunch of vegans on the dinner table.

I ordered a book called "How To Make People Feel Uncertain".

I got an email just now: It *could* not be delivered today.

How to make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it

How to make an Italian man shut up?

Just tie his hands

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How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

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How to make your gf scream even minutes after the orgasm?

Clean your dick with curtain.

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

Want to know how to make a joke fall flat?

Spill something wrong in the punchline

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Figured out how to make my dick 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

How to make $$$$$ easily.

1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.

2: Open a new word or text document.

3:Hold down the Shift key.

4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.

How to make people notice you

**Step 1**: Get a dog

**Step 2**: Take the dog for a walk

**Step 3**: Let go of said dog

Do you know how to make a net?

You just sew a bunch of holes together.

How to make a charity

1. find someone in need
2. Create an organization and donate all revenue to said someone
3. ???
4. nonprofit

How to make a person with anger issues angry?

Tell them that they have anger issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make your wife scream

Three men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body...

How to make money from a phone?

cell it

How to make profit with an American ?

Buy him the price he is worth,

Sell him at the price he values himself.

Taught the kids how to make a burger from Scratch....

.....they were devastated. Stupid name for a cat anyway

How to make flat earther's believe in the globe earth...

Believe in the globe earth...

I said, believe the globe earth...

"Simon says"
Believe the globe earth!

Wanna know how to make Texans really mad?

Cut Alaska in half, so Texas becomes the *third* largest state.

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

I'm learning how to make clown shoes...

It's no small feat.

Tutorial: How to make sure your Reddit post blows up

Ill tell you if this reaches 50 upvotes

How to make a girl laugh

Step One: ask her out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make scrambled eggs

Step 1: Find omelette recipe

Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step

Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan

Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that

Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs

There's a TV show on later that will teach you how to make your guitar sound better.

Stay tuned.

How to make a hormone?

Simple. Don't pay her.

Today I figured out how to make my own lipstick.

That was when I thoughtlessly chewed on a tube of super glue.

You know how to make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of dead baby and a coke....

How to make friends as an adult

Tell a girl you love her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make Emo Cupcakes

What You'll need:

Cupcake Tray

An oven

Milk

Butter

Eggs

Flour

Sugar

We're

Going

Down

Swingin'

How to make friends

Next time you are washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" it is a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed

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Today I learned how to make an Irish cocktail.

Take a half glass of whiskey and add it to another half glass of whiskey.

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

“How to make 100 000 in a minute.”

How many of you attended this meeting?
“A thousand of us sit here, sir.”

How much was the entry fee?
“100$, wh—“

Thank you for your attention.

Physicists have figured out how to make time come to a standstill.

They just sent it the message, 'you are doing that too much. try again in 5 minutes.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make a woman scream long after the intercourse?

Wipe your dick in the curtains

How to make an idiot curious?

I'll post the answer tomorrow.

How to make friends with girls...

Ask them to be your girlfriend.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special?

Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus.

It's actually quite hard to learn how to make tea...

There's a *steep* learning curve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know how to make your wife angry during sex?

Call her in the middle of it and say you'll be home in an hour.

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

How to make america great again?

Make it terrible first so that returning to normal looks like it is making it great.

Why do we learn how to make bread in school?

It’s not like we knead it!

How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

...

How to make an ice cube melt faster?

Talk to it and get into a heated argument

When I argued with the barista on how to make my coffee

I got expertly roasted.

I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

How to make Gnu/Linux run Photoshop?

You serve it WINE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make your wife scream from sex.

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day they meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at lea...

Instructions how to make money with your Facebook account:

1. Open settings

2. Delete your account

3. Start working

Want to know how to make your PC faster?

Paint it black.

Do you know how to make Notre Dame style eggs?

You put them in a bowl way too big for it...and then beat repeatedly for 3 hours

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

Do you know how to make 5 pounds of fat look beautiful?

Put a nipple on it.

How to make your ears pop?

Try some sparkly earrings.

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?

“No, how?”
-
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

My Dad showed me how to make bread, then he wanted me to do it on my own...

While I was kneeding the dough, he said, "This time, I won't tell you what to do next"

I told him, "I don't need you to"

He said, "Prove it"

Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

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