UPJOKE

How Often Jokes

How often do airplanes crash?

Just once.

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

How often is a chemistry joke posted on reddit?

Periodically.

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

How often do I make chemistry jokes?

Periodically. I made one yesterday, but it had no reaction.

I asked an 747 pilot how often those things crash...

I once asked the pilot of a 747 as I was getting on, how often those things crash, he casually replied:

"Usaly just once"

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

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My doctor asked me how often I'm sexually active, and I told him that I have sex a number of times each week.

Zero is a number.

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How often does an Amish woman have sex?

Three Mennonite.

How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

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I was asked" How often do you have sex?"

Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc.

How often does the vampire go down on his wife?

Periodically

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

How often are women grumpy and irritable?

Periodically.

How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?

Dairy

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

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"How often do you have sex a month, roughly?

"About ten times"

"And how often gently?"

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I don't know how often I have had sex with another man

But it's happened cuntless times

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A friend asked me how often my wife and I have sex, I respond "Almost every day".

Almost on Monday.

Almost on Tuesday.

Almost on Wednesday.

Almost on Thursday.

Almost of Friday.

Almost on Saturday.

Almost on Sunday.

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHATTTTT????”

How often do experts say you should listen to Bob Marley?

Reggae-larly.

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

How often do Chinese people have elections?

When they wake up every morning.

I try to limit how often I make homeopathy jokes

That just makes them stronger.

Patient: Great, how often do I have to take it?

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

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My therapist asked me: "How often do you do things just for the attention?"

"Well," I replied. "How many people are going to hear my answer?"

A very nervous woman on her first Aeroplane flight, asked the stewardess, how often do planes crash?

Stewardess replies.

Only once..

How often did the architect have to put long narrow paths in his blueprints?

Hallways

how often do i beat my wife?

Every time i clap my hands.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

My friends usually get upset with how often I make jokes, but I need to stay strong.

You see, seven days without puns makes one weak.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

Two elderly women are talking about their failing love lives. "So how often are you getting it now, Doris?" asks Mabel. "Oh, I like it infrequently these days!" replies Doris.

Mabel asks, "Is that one word or two?"

When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm?

Intermittenly.

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A man sees his urologist

His penis is all swollen and hurts. Says the Doctor “Well, how often do you sleep with your wife?”
The man answers “Well… Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday”

“M-hm” says the doctor. “But seeing how insanely swollen it is, the question comes to my mind:
Do...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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Blonde joke

A blonde takes her car to be fixed. After the mechanic is done with his work he said
"Nothing serious mam, just shit in the gas tank."
The blonde asks
"How often?"

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Appointment

I travel for work, and it sometimes decreases how often we get to have “sexy time.” I knew that I’d have to leave today, so last night when we went to bed I was all riled up and went over to kiss my wife. She said “honey you know I can’t, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow!” And I thought “...

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A man goes to the doctor…

… and tells him that his dick is red and swollen and hurts.

Doctor: "I see you are married - how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Patient: "Well, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - in fact, every day.''

Doctor: "Hm…"

Patient: "And I ...

I said to my gym teacher

How often would I have to come in here to learn to do the splits. He said it depends how flexible are you? I said well I can’t do mondays.

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A man goes to a psychiatrist

A man goes to a psychiatrist for a variety of psychological issues.

During the interview the subject of sex comes up.

The doctor asked him how often do you have intercourse with your wife?
Three times a week he replied.

And what's your favorite position that you both enjoy?...

Why are Ukrainian girls the best to date?

No matter how often you come over, they keep Putin out!

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Me: Doctor, I have this irrepressible urge to have sex with the ocean.

Doctor: And how often do you get this urge?

Me: It comes in waves.

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

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Two 80 year old singles were talking about sex.

She asked him how often he had sex. He told her it was infrequently. She asked him, “Is that one word or two?”

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The therapists asked me "So, you were saying you hear voices..."

me: Yes

therapist: how often?

mom: Who are you talking to?

me: I'm talking to my therapist, mom

mom: What therapist? You've been holed up in that room all day long!

therapist: You still live with your mother?

me: No, sir, I live alone.

They say correlation does not imply causation

But have you noticed how often sentences with the word "correlation" also have the word "causation"? I think there’s a link here

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