UPJOKE

How Many Jokes

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and cry

Two women decide to make some money by betting on horse races.

They come to the track and start thinking which horse to bet upon. After all, they don't know much about the matter. Suddenly, one says:

**Woman 1**: Listen, I have an idea. What's your cup size?

**Woman 2**: C.

**Woman 1**: And mine is D. That's three and four. Three plus four ...

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

How many reposters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It’s hard to tell because they just keep putting the same bulb in over and over.

Professor X is talking to a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

how many pessimist does it take to change a light bulb?

they can’t, they need an optimist to show them the bright side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey, FUCK YOU! (Said in a Brooklyn accent)

How many self-conscious people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eh... I'd much prefer to screw in the dark, thanks.

A disciple asked Confucius how many people it takes to change a light bulb.

Confucius said "many hands make light work"

How many claustrophobics can screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know I can’t convince any to get inside.

Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The polyamorous wife sitting at breakfast mused "I wonder how many people in our neighborhood are sexually clean?"

The husband, without looking up from the newspaper responded "Fuck around and find out"

A three hundred year old Chinese joke

Yenluo, the king of hell, sent a demon to earth to see if there were any doctors doing good work healing people.

The demon asked, “How do I know who is a good doctor?”

King Yenluo said, “See how many ghosts there are haunting the clinic.”

The demon came to earth...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question (Warning not suitable for people under the aged of 18 you have been warned)

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away,
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but i like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny says i have a question for you. If t...

Went to a job interview today and the lady interviewing me told me she has 3 openings

Apparently “how many did you get filled over the weekend?” was the wrong question

How many weight lifters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

8-12 of them on 3 separate occasions.

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A Russian Lieutenant...

A Russian Lieutenant stands on the edge of a high cliff with his troops. The lieutenant looks down and then points to a soldier.

\-You there! Come here to the cliff edge, extend your right hand to the side and jump down.

The lieutenant watches as the soldier obeys his comma...

I felt it deserved better

Context: Me and my wife are setting up to rent an airbnb apartment, conversation earlier that went like this.

Me: We need to decide how many towels to give our guests.

Wife: 2 for the shower, 1 big 1 small,

Me: And how many tea towels do we put in the kitchen?

Wife: 1
...

I asked my Welsh friend how many girlfriends he’d had.

He fell asleep before he could answer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many hostages does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't seven. My basement is *still* dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. As soon as you turn it on, they all scatter.

How many people live in Rio?

At least a Brazilian.

How many mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but they will charge you $200 for the labor and "find" something wrong with your ceiling fan.

Poor Sarah

There are 365 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left?




364



How do you put an Elephant in a fridge?



Open the door
Put the Elephant in
Close it



How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?



Open the door
Take th...

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbuld?

Two but I don't know how the hell they got in there.

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

A horrible Joke involving Romans And Italian

So during ancient times, Roman was dining at this Italian restaurant. He ordered two special meatball dishes, however, they were running very low. When they double checked the order, they could only lament "How many?! Ai ai (II), mama mia!"

There was also a numeral error on the bill. It claim...

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How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.

Secretary of defense: Mr. President, 10 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq yesterday.

George Bush was very distraught. His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

George Bush, finally looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Dude, look how big my hand is!

Three women die enter hell, and Satan greets them at the doorway.

"Welcome, sinners!" he says with a grin. "In heaven, your rank would be based on your purity, but not down here! Your mode of transportation will be decided by the number of MEN you have hooked up with." He turned to face the first woman. "How many men have you hooked up with?"

"Around five I...

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

So, you wanna go to the park and skate?

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

A man goes into a drug store and asked to buy condoms the salesperson ask how many he needs

The man says I've been seeing this girl for a while and I am having dinner with her parents tonight and then we're going out and I think I'm going to get lucky I'll need 12.
that night the man is at dinner with his gf and her family and he asks if he can do the blessing.
after his prayer ...

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but it's really hard getting them in there.

A teacher asks in class:

"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."...

How many ears does Davy Crocket have?

Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the Wild Front Ear!

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his b...

How many carbs do people in india eat while dieting?

Naan.

Oldie, but Goldie...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?

How many movements?

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I Asked A Kentucky Friend Of Mine How Many Sexual Partners He Had Had

He closed his eyes and started counting, then he fell asleep.

It was raining hard...

...and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

'Poor old fool,' thought...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
<...

How many letters are in the alphabet?

22, because E.T. went home and somebody shot J.R.

My father made this joke and now that I’m older I appreciate it more:

Driving by cemeteries he’d ask “how many dead people do you think are in there?”

I’d guess: “maybe a hundred” or whatever

He’d say: “*All* of them”

Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”

Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”

Well, I'm in the emergency room.

I'm not sure how many bones are broken so today is not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding. Something I haven't done in many many years !!!. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fas...

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

King: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

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Wholesome family dinner conversation

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
...

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

It's crazy how many people are talking about the Oscars across all my social media feeds

Everything is popping up everywhere, all at once

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A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"

And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.


The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live i...

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work..?

I find it odd that so many Americans are circumcised...

Especially considering how many rely on tips to get by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

How many light bulbs does it take to change a blonde?

With a TikTok account and some decent photo editing software, only about 4.

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

How many months have 28 days?

>!All of them!<

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

How many hereditary peers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? How dare you, sir! That lightbulb has been in my family for seven generations!

How many of the phrases in English are palindromes?

Not a ton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

pharmacy question...

Went into the pharmacy today and sheepishly asked the attractive lady behind the counter if they do Viagra.
"We do" she replied.
I questioned "Can I get it over the counter?"
She said "Depends how many you take".

Vegetable shortage in the world.

How many vegetables does it take to kill a Vegan?






"NONE"

Little Johnny doing Math

The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

"So how many have you been with?" asked my blind date.

"Not to brag" I replied " So far,its 11 this year"

"Wow, you must be a player"

"No,I'm the coach"

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

The punchline is trivial and has been left as an exercise for the reader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salesman of The Year Award.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ...

Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"

How many Fu** Boys does it take to change a light bulb?

It is a trick question, as they are still using gas lighting.

How many gamblers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, all the ones we’ve hired so far have failed, but eventually it’ll work, I swear!

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to climb the ladder, one to shake it and one to sue the ladder company

Pavlov is speaking with a colleague.

Pavlov: I've conditioned a dog to drool when it hears a bell. By ringing a bell before giving it food, it associates the bell with food and starts drooling when it hears it now.
Colleague: Hah, dogs are dumb. How many times did you run this test?
Pavlov: 69 times.
Colleague: Nice!

You ever hear the one about how many programmers it takes to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because they don't deal with hardware issues.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester?

Just one, but you squeeze them through really slowly.

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead bodies

How many dead bodies in your basement does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than five, obviously. I can’t see anything down there.

I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99.

I said 100, you’re welcome!

What do clown cars and catholic women have in common?

They like to show how many people can crawl out of them.

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

If you want to know how many bees Noah had...

Check the ark hives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

How many people with short-term memory loss does it take to...

I'm sorry, where was I?

Father's Dreams

son : Dad, do you have any dreams you want to accomplish?
dad : I gave up on my dreams years ago kiddo, but let's focus on yours
son : oh, but how many years ago exactly did you give up?

dad : well how old are you?

How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q: How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Well, he needs a house first.

How many Soviets did it take to remove a lightbulb?

Two.

One to remove it.

Another to accuse the first guy of being a bourgeois saboteur spy.

How many podcasters does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But to fully understand why, we have to first travel back in time to the year 1880...

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