UPJOKE

How Long Does It Take Jokes

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama

One Mississippi

If it takes 6 men 6 days to dig 6 holes, how long does it take one man to dig half a hole?

There is no such thing as a half a hole. It’s just a hole.

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How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?

9 Months.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

How long does it take my wife to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, she usually just screws in her boss's office.

How long does it take for someone to die?

A lifetime.

How long does it take a minotaur to make waffles?

Just a minute or two!

How long does it take a group of Mexicans to,

oh wow they’re already done.

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

How long does it take an idiot to change a lightbulb

Tell me when you’re done

How long does it take for an owl to die?

Six and a fifth books.

How long does it take Batman to change a lightbulb?

Depends. How much prep time does he get?

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

How long does it take to write notes from a meeting?

Minutes

How long does it take to steep Chinese tea?

Oolong time

How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?

Depends how many people are pushing.

How long does it take to hide a dead hooker's corpse?

Seriously guys, the cops could come by any minute now

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How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

how long does it take a comminist to renovate a room

about an our.

How long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette?

The same as anyone but it takes him 2 hours to light it!

How long does it take congress to screw in a light bulb?

Three seconds, but the argument over which lightbulb lasted three years.

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How long does it take a woman to reach orgasm?

Who cares?

[Dirty] How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

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How long does it take a satellite to reach Uranus?

Bend over and I'll show you.

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

How long does it take for an Irish man to get to a .08 BAC?

Approximately 2 days of sobriety.

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen?

It Varys.

How long does it take for someone to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

1 bananosecond.

How long does it take to tune a double bass?

Nobody knows.

How long does it take King Zora to move out of your way?

A week, a week, a week, a week, a week, a week.

How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?

About 16 seconds

Nurses ask the hard questions

I posted this as a comment in this sub, the OP suggested I give it its own post.

Back about 36 years ago, I was a young married man. Me & my wife decided I would get fixed. I had the surgery and everything went fine. I had to take a specimen to the doc for a sperm count to make sure the p...

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

Potentially funny joke

One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?

If I pulled the pin from a grenade,

how long does it take to expl

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Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now.

How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!!

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

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A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."

The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on th...

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

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Oral Exam

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor. The prof asks the first blonde:

"You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"

"I open the window."

"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind bl...

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My Weird St. Patrick's Morning [NSFW]

So I get to work this morning and hit the bathroom on the way to my desk to let out some coffee. I walk through the door and there's a 3' tall guy wearing an all-green suit and a tophat taking a piss at the short urinal. I didn't mean to look, but you couldn't not notice the gentleman's extremely la...

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