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Horoscopes Jokes

Where do donkeys get their horoscopes?

From asstrologers!

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

Met a girl that's into horoscopes

Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.

Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?

Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T

Me : Congratulations you're an Arie...

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horoscope

Sagittarius: Today you will have a quarrel with Leo.

Leo: Sagittarius is bitching about you behind your back.

Horoscopes are the enemy of rational thought.

They are a cancer to critical thinking.

I think horoscopes are absolute tosh.

But you know me, typical Virgo.

My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess,

makes him an Asstrologist.

So I beat cancer today...

That’ll teach them to believe in horoscopes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

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