UPJOKE

Hope You Jokes

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

Hope you all stay healthy

Cuz the future doctors are cheating in their exams rn

The Blonde’s father said “I hope you’re not planning to be alone at your boyfriend’s place.”

She said, “Don’t’ be silly. He’ll be there.”

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

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Here is one of my favourite Iranian jokes that I've translated to English for you all, hope you like it

One day there was a king who had the the most beautiful daughter anyone had ever seen.

Everyone wanted to sleep with his daughter so he thought he would make a game of this.

King: "Anyone who can wrestle my lion and kill it will be given permission fuck my daughter"

For days m...

a bilingual joke (hope you like it)

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"SĂ­"<...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file

cuz I wanna mount you.

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I hope you like seafood

Because I've got a shrimp dick

I hope you die slowly

And live a long, happy life. :)

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

I hope you understand this

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak.

Con-

Okay now you say control freak who

I told my son, "Son, I'm so proud of you and everything you have accomplished. I hope some day you will have children of your own." ... to which he replied:

"I hope you will too dad"

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

I translated this joke from my language hope you people find it funny.

Bill went to the home of his wife's brother who was a farmer after 20 years.

Bill was hungry so he asked for the food.

The farmer yells "Hey Bill is hungry can you bring the food Rotten?".

Bill on hearing this says "Sorry I forgot I had fast today cannot eat the food.".
...

I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but Reddit said it was too weak

hope you find it funny!

I hope you don't take this joke literally

but if you do, please return it later.

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the wease...

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Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

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Kind of a long joke, but it is my personal favorite to tell. I hope you all like it.

A husband and wife are driving on the highway when suddenly the wife turns to her husband and says

"I want a divorce."

The man says nothing only speeds up slightly.

"Not only do I want a divorce but I'm taking the house, the car, the bank accounts, the kids, and the credit cards...

Mu favorite series of riddles when i was in high school. Hope you all like it as much as i did <3

Give 3 steps to put an elephant in a refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Put the elephant in
iii.Close it

AND THEN ASK

Give 4 steps to put a giraffe in the refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Take the elephant out
iii.Put the giraffe in
iv.Close it
...

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and get out.

As I walked through the door she screamed : “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery and pain”


I said: “make your mind up, one minute your telling me to get out and now you want me to stay”

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

I hope you brought the divorce papers...

Cuz your legs are about to be separated.

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Another masochist joke. Self post. hope you guys like it!

Self post! Just wanted to share it because i like it.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.


"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's h...

I hope you don't like self-deprecating humor. I'm terrible at it.

^ Came up with this while trying to think of witty opening lines for tinder. It didn't make the cut. Thought Reddit might like it though.

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Found this on Facebook hope you like it.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While ...

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that ne...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

Edit: My dad would always tell me things I should post/comment on Reddit. It was our little ...

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

My angry wife said: "I hope you spend an eternity in hell !"....

I said, "Why wait? I'll take you clothes shopping right now".

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I've adapted this from an old joke, I hope you enjoy.

A man was hiring for a factory, he called in the first applicant from the waiting room and asked him a few questions. Then, for his final question he asked him, "Will you make a sentence with the word 'great'?"
The applicant replied after some thought "Oh, I have a leather jacket and I think it'...

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.


It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

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A joke my friends love to hear from me. I hope you enjoy it as well.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican are walking down a beach together and stumble across a magical genie lamp. They rub it and genie comes out and tells them that each of them have one wish. So the Mexican guys say I want all the Mexicans in America to be back in Mexico and happy and rich. So PO...

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you ...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. ...

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

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The Irish Math test

*disclaimer, i didn't invent this joke and i'm not sure who did but i hope you enjoy it...

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, rep...

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