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Hmmmm Jokes

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Hmmmm...

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher the...

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds
and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That'...

How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...

She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:

"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."

"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."

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An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was designed with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one designed with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, doesn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card on the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student look at his teacher ...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

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Super Sex?

So Grandads been living on his own for a while and on his birthday his son decides the old man might enjoy a hooker.

So he hires a really expensive, exotic hooker with curves in all the right places.

She dresses up nicely and shows up at Grandads door.

Ding dong.. Grandad ope...

Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck, shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks thro...

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A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing her suitcase.

Husband: What are you doing?

Wife: I heard that they pay $400 for blowjobs in Vegas, so I'm leaving you and I won't need a man to ever support me again.

Husband: Hmmmm

Wife: What are you packing for I said I'm leaving you!!

Husband: I know! I just want to see how you liv...

Scientist: let’s name this spider long legs, for its long legs.

Scientist 2: hmmmm not kinky enough.

When I’m trying to find a hum in my music studio:

Hmmmm.

——

I made this up and no matter how few upvotes it gets im proud because it’s original.

HARLEY DAVIDSON MEETS GOD

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur though...

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An organ grinder and his capuchin monkey are hired to perform at a local pub

The organ grinder is happily taking requests from the patrons, but his monkey is in rare form on this particular evening. The monkey is dancing around on tables, stealing food, lifting cigarettes, and getting into various other shenanigans. At one point, the monkey hops up on the bar and starts pick...

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Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?

Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

A father was walking with his curious daughter.

She pointed to the sky and asked "Daddy, why is the sky blue?

He replied "Hmmmm. I don't really know."

A few minutes later, they passed a tree. She asked "Daddy, how do trees grow?"

He replied "Errrr... good question. I don't know."

Seeing a dog, she asked "Why do dogs ba...

Why are deep thinkers better than everyone else at realizing they missed a spot shaving?

(rubs chin) hmmmm

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It was a man's 90th birthday and friends chipped in to get him a prostitute

It was a man's 90th birthday and friends chipped in to get him a prostitute.

She was dressed very sexy and she slowly danced in front of him.

Then she sat on his lap and whispered in his ear

"I'm here to give you Super Sex!!

The old guy smiled and said

"HMMMM, what...

A young man goes off to college

A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.

"Dad, you won't be...

So, Moses and Jesus are playing golf ...

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, th...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stop in their persuit of some crooks to check for tracks. Tonto presses his ear to the ground, sits up slowly and says thoughtfully "Hmmmm...buffalo come".
Amazed the Lone Ranger asks "Wow! How did you know that?!"
Tonto replies "Ear stick to ground"

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

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Two blondes solving a crossword

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...
After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Legal but not Logical

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, ...

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

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Hitler dies and ascends to be judged at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter steps out, the Book of Life under his arm, and sees Hitler standing there.

"Hitler? What, are you kidding me?" exclaims Peter.

"I know, I know" says Hitler, putting his hands up to calm the saint "but what you may not know is that in life I recognized the error of my ways and...

Oprah Winfrey goes to the doctor for a physical...

...she walks into the doctor's office and sits down on the waiting table. The doctor comes in and says,

"Welcome back Oprah! First, I need you to take your clothes off."

She takes off her clothes and sits back down on the table. The doctor then says,

"Now I'm going to need you t...

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Son of a bitch fish

On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, “Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake!”

“Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t ...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

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