UPJOKE

Hide Behind Jokes

Yo Mama so fat, You can hide behind her back and still be visible...

Because of Gravitational Lensing.

What kind of plant do ghosts like to hide behind?

BamBOO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I was on the phone to a woman from the babestation channel. I said "Can you hide behind the couch?" Confused, she asked "Why?"

I said "Because my wife is coming downstairs and I can't find the remote."

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank. As they are running out carrying their stolen goods, the police begin to chase them down an alleyway.

Running down the alley, the robbers find three large sacks of potatoes to hide behind. "Quick!" said the brunette, hide behind here!"

Th...

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A guy walks into a store

He looks at the saleswoman and says: "Good morning, do you have a pussy ?"

The same thing happens the 2nd day, the third day and finally the saleswoman tells her husband about it.


Saleswoman: "Honey, I can't take it anymore! There's this guy who keeps coming to my store and asking ...

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An old lady was walking down the street

She was carrying two large bin bags. A police officer stopped her and told her she had money falling out of one of the bags. He asks if she robbed a bank and she replied "no, You see I live next to the football stadium, and every Saturday in the half time, the men come outside my house and piss in t...

how do you catch a rabbit?

Hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"

\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"

\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.

The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"...

I once took a class on trapping animals

To trap a bear, you dig a huge pit, at least 10 feet deep and 10 feet in diameter. Then you go and find as much deadfall as you can and bring it to the pit. You light that on fire and let it burn to ashes.

Next you line a row of peas along the perimeter of the hole. Once that is done, hide b...

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A dragon catches three men

A German, a Japanese and a Russian. Tells them he'll give them a chance to live if they survive his fire blow. They can also hide behind one object.

German goes first and decides to hide behind a steel plate, claiming he believes in manufacturing and quality of products. Dragon blows at him a...

Moron and Trouble are playing hide and seek

Moron goes and hide behind a police car. The ploice officer asks: "What is your name kid?" "Moron" says moron. To which the officer awnsers: "are you looking for trouble?" "No, sir. Trouble's looking for me!

Three Mexican guys try to immigrate to the US illegally.

But they can't figure out where to hide.

One guy suggests to dress up in animal costumes and hide in a zoo.

They buy monkey costumes put them on and get into the cage with two more monkeys.

The zoo workers are suspicious of there being five monkeys in the cage.

So they de...

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek in heaven..

It was Einstein's turn to find them.

Pascal went and hide behind the bushes.

But Newton just stood on a 1M *1M tile..

Einstein came out and shouted "Newton, you are out!"

Newton replied " No, actually you are out, as I am Pascal"

Einstein: "Elaborate..."

"As...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

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Two monkeys were sitting in a tree

and a lion was sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and fuck that lion in the ass."

The other monkey said o.k.

So he goes down the tree and fucks the lion in the ass.

When the lion realized what was happening, he shook the monke...

Two boys play in a stream

Two boys are bored on a hot summer day, so they decide to go down to a local stream to play and cool off. They’re walking down the trail through the woods when they notice there’s somebody in their normal play spot. Curious, the boys sneak closer to the water and hide behind a bush as not to be seen...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wake up in a barn after a particularly wild night on the town.

The farmer, on his morning rounds, hears the commotion and slowly opens the barn door, shotgun in hand.The three quickly hide behind a bale of hay and attempt to convince the farmer that ...

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming....

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."

Now, O...

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