UPJOKE

Hey Dad Jokes

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow

"Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow. Can you call me an Uber tomorrow at 8am?"

"Sure thing, that sounds strange, but I can do it for you my son, love you, good night."

At 8am the next day.

"Uber, wake up now, aren't you going to an interview?!"

“Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?”

“Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.”

“Alright, thanks dad..”

“No problem Alan!”

Hey dad, when should you use a condom?

"About nine months before you were born."

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

Hey Dad, you hear the one about the illegitimate cereal?

Snap, Crackle, and no Pop.

(I got that from this '70's movie)

“Hey dad, can you tell me what happens during a solar eclipse?”

Dad: “No son.”

Kid: Hey Dad, I lost my phone...

Dad: Hang on, I’ll call your number and we can listen for the ring.

Kid: Great idea, but could you call Gramma and ask her to call my phone?

Dad: Why Gramma?

Kid: It’ll come back if boomer rang.

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Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke!

Dad: Pussy.
Me: I don't get it.
Dad: I know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Hey dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Yes son, I do!
Son: Really? How did it taste?
Dad: Get out!

Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today.

Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?

Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway

Hey dad, wanna see my new book?

Yeah son, so long as it's not the novel coronavirus.

kid: hey dad, am i adopted?

dad: no you're dave.

even if we wanted to name you that, you were already named dave when we adopted you

Hey Dad, I'll be right back

Dad: "Ok Right Back, I'll be Left Front"

Jewish kid: Hey dad can I borrow $50?

Dad: What $40, what would you possibly need $30 for?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey dad, what's a transsexual?

"I don't really know, but go ask your Aunt Dave."

Son: Hey Dad, I'm going to the pool to meet girls, any advice?

Dad: Just put this tennis ball inside your trunks. The will line line up to talk to you.

After a while, The son went back crying.


Son: Hey Dad! It didn't work, They all left me when i jump right in!

Mom: Dad's not here son. But why do you have a tennis ball at the back of yo...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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"Hey dad I lost my virginity!"

"That's great son, come sit next to me"

"I can't my butt hurts"

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Hey dad, why are they no jews on jupiter?

Because its a gas planet son

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

Hey dad, why is my sister named Uma Thurman?

"Oh it's your mother's favorite fall out boy song"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem I've Got A Bad Idea And A Dark Alley That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth!"

"Hey Dad, I'm going to the airport. Call me a taxi.'

Dad : "Hi taxi"

Hey Dad, i think the wing mirror of the car is broken.

Dad: How did that happen?
Me: The car lays on it.

Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show

"Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show. It's like those ghost hunter shows, but instead of idiots walking around in the dark saying, "Is there a spirit in here?", it will be skeptics debunking it, and finding out what's really going on."

"They had a show like that when I was a kid."
...

Hey dad why does it smell like dead here?

Hey dad? Dad?! DAAAAAAD!!!

Hey dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?

"Because a rose petal fell on her head when she was a baby, dear son," replied the Dad.

"Oh, thanks for telling me Dad!"

"No problem, Toaster Oven."

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

"Hey Dad! What's one snowball plus one snowball plus one snowball?"

"Snowman"
- My 7-year-old

Hey Dad, can i use your card for food?

You can, but I don't think it will taste very good.

I love my dad.

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Sure, white people cant say they "N" word

but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"

Honey with Legs

At breakfast the young son asked his dad, "Hey dad, does honey have legs?" The father was taken aback by the question and responded, "I don't think so. Why do you ask?" The son then explained, "I don't know. I overheard you calling out a few times last night, 'Honey, would you please open your legs?...

A dad was washing his car with his son

After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

What is dark humor?

Little Bobby asks his father one day: Hey dad, what is dark humor?

Dad: go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him .

Bobby: but dad I don't have any legs or arms .

Dad: Exactly son.

A boy goes up to his father and asks...

- Hey dad, can i date with the neighbour's daughter, Alice?

+No, because i am her dad, the father answers.

-Okay then i will date Olivia.

+Nope, she is also my daughter.

-Charlotte?

+She too.

-Then what about Emma???

+She too.



The boy g...

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

A man was congratulating his son and daughter

“Hey Dad! I did it! I was just promoted!”

“Congratulations son! I knew you could do it! You’re so smart and you worked so hard!”



“Hey Dad, I also just got promoted!”

“Congratulations daughter, I knew you could do it! You’re so beautiful!”

“I…what…? But I…worked h...

A boy asks his father what makes his cereal so good.

Boy: Hey dad, what makes my honey nut cheerios so delicious?

Dad: Bees Nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a boy comes home from school and sees his dad on the porch drinking a whiskey.

The boy says: hey dad can I try some of that?
Dad replies: can your dick touch your asshole?
Boy says: no
Dad says: well then, you can’t have any

Next day, the boy comes home and sees his dad smoking a cigar on the porch.

The boy says: hey dad can I try some of that?
Da...

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A congressman's son asks his sister "what's the difference between theory and practice?"

She goes to their father and asks "hey dad, would you take a 10 million dollars donation to vote against a gun control law?"

"Yes, I think I can do a lot of good with this kind of money" the father replies.

"Now see?" she says to her brother, "In theory, we are multi millionaires. In p...

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

Am I black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

So there is this zebra who wants to know if he is black with white stripes or white with black stripes. He goes up to his brother and says, "Hey brother, am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" His brother says, "I don't know. You'll have to go ask dad."

So the zebra ...

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

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