UPJOKE
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The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

What is the heaviest soup?

Won Ton soup.

How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in the world’s heaviest light bulb?

Just one, it’s light work.

What’s the heaviest food in the world?

Wonton soup

How much does the world’s heaviest dumpling weigh?

Wonton

Who is the heaviest member of the British royal family?

It's Diana, Princess of Whales.

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What's the heaviest thing in nature?

Shit, even an elephant can't hold it.

‪Why is Chinese soup the heaviest kind of soup?

Because it’s won-ton

How heavy is the world's heaviest dumpling?

won ton

Who was the heaviest of the Pharaohs?

King Two-ton-khamen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the saying goes the tallest person has experienced everyone’s height, the heaviest man has experienced everyone’s weight...

Well I’ve experienced everyone’s penis size...

My ass really hurts.

I was at a Christmas tree farm, chatting with the owner

And he told me that if I could find the tallest, heaviest tree and cut it down, that I could have it for free. I accepted the challenge and found the tallest, heaviest tree, and I cut it down. I dragged it to the front the farm to get it ready to take home and the owner exclaimed , “Wow! That’s my b...

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Working in a forestry camp with my buddy Mike

My buddy Mike and I were working in a forestry camp, clearing brush, planting trees, trimming branches, and a hundred other chores.


The foreman, Silan, made us work hard. It seems like we rarely got a break. We would catch our breath, and then it’d be back to work. It was hard work, bac...

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

Two farmers, One hen.

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

Farmer: why a...

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

Why God created the man in the form he is?

When God created the donkey and told him:

\- You're gonna be working all day long and you'll carry the heaviest loads on your back. You'll eat grass and you won't be so smart. You'll live 50 years.

Then the donkey said:

\- 50 years of the kind of life and suffering is a lot. Giv...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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Three farmers go out to the State Fair.

On their way driving to the fair they pass a farm with a little monkey picking up acorns and putting them in a basket. They look at it, but still stay in their way to the fair. As they are walking through they see a sign for a contest of the heaviest pig. To their surprise the 1st Place prize money ...

The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few mile...

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: ADMINISTRATIUM

I found this in my humor folder while cleaning out old files. It's the only one that I didn't see posted previously on Reddit. Hope I didn't just miss it.

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: ADMINISTRATIUM

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University phys...

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